Partner's ex trying to ruin SS relationship with our baby

[rOsie80]

My partner’s ex-wife is a duplicitous cow, and never more so since the arrival of our baby son. She put on a good show of being excited for us, and her & partner’s son, Alex (now 16), while I was pregnant, but it always felt as though she were using this as a means to exercise some control over out relationship – or more specifically the relationship Alex has with his Dad and I. The enthusiasm she summoned for our future child and brother for Alex was rapidly tempered after his birth when she realised that she wouldn’t part of this particular life event. And why would she? Why would any new mother want their partner’s ex intruding at such a personal time?

Immediately after the birth, she was constantly hassling Alex for a time when she could come and see the baby – in a particularly awkward moment not even two weeks after the birth she invited her way in to our house when dropping Alex off while I was with my mum. I honestly don’t know what she was thinking, or why she thought I’d want to have her there, least of all unannounced? She just seems incapable of leaving us to it and always has done. I, on the other hand, am happy for Alex to be a part of our lives without feeling the need to know about any part of his mum’s and her partner’s lives unless of course he wishes to share or talk about it. If things were the other way around, I certainly wouldn’t be exercising a perceived right to get involved if she had a child with my ex (!) I appreciate the need to be civil to my partner’s ex but I don’t think it unreasonable to expect her to put some distance between ours and her life.

However, whenever we create some distance between our lives and hers, she uses that to create distance between Alex and us. While she was all for encouraging Alex to be a part of his brother’s life when I was pregnant, now she realises she’s not going to be a part of this, she goes about encouraging him to spend more time with his Dad on his own so he doesn’t get left out rather than spend time with his little brother or with us as a family. Yet she’s never done anything to promote a better relationship between Alex and his Dad previously, such as helping his choose father’s day or birthday gifts etc. The opposite is true now, so for the first time Alex is really creeping up to his Dad on these occassions and putting an unseen before amount of thought into cards and gifts, and although this might be in response to feelings of sibling rivalry on purely Alex’s part I cant help think it’s something his mum is encouraging in order to be divisive. Ultimately, this is no bad thing, just a bit annoying.

In many ways I’m happy to just roll with the situation – I’m pretty indifferent towards the relationship Alex has with his half-brother as I know he’ll grow up loved and supported whatever but I know it means a lot to my partner. Alex is 16 now, and he’s a nice enough boy with a good attitude, he just needs to get that he can be part of our family with or without his mum’s approval or involvement. I’m not willing to offer any olive branches to his mum as she’s not always made things easy for us and we’ll never get on. I just wonder if anyone else had has found themselves in a similar situation and how best to manage everyone’s expectations on this front…?

Am I the only one totally confused by this thread?

So your issue is that the ex has been too drawn into the birth of your baby, and then retrieve back and whilst doing drove her DS back with her?

Firstly, I'm confused about the level of involvement of the ex with your pregnancy and upcoming motherhood. Why was she so excited? Was she happy her DS was going to have a sibling, or it is because she still cares for you partner, in a friendly way, and as a friend, was excited for him?

When you say she came into the house when you were not there, was the baby there and therefore your partner too? If so, could it be that it's your partner who encouraged her to come in and him who wanted to show her your baby?

Could it be that she assumed that you didn't mind her showing an interest in a friendly way but that maybe your partner said something that made her back off, that maybe she is doing out of respect for you, realising that it was unfair to you.

As for your SC backing off, maybe it's just because the excitment has worn off? Babies are cute for a couple of days and then become a pain in a bum for most teenage boys, especially when they realise that it limits the freedom and energy of their parent, directly impacting on them.

Let is pass indeed, as you acknowledged, you are very lucky to have a considerate and polite step son.

rOsie80

You and the others that have said that this is emotional are correct, but it is not just your emotions that should be taken in to account.

Your SS is in the middle of this, he has a family that has split, new "parents" (in quotes for those that would be offended), a massive change in his life and now a new baby.

Non of this is down to him and the only person that seems to have taken his feelings in to consideration is his mother.

What have you and his father done to reassure him bout any worries that he has?

Not at all - there is a belief that stpe kids should compartmentalise their lives in an adult way that is way beyond their comprehension, understanding or abilities - just to keep an insecure adult happy. Not being able to take toys/clothes form one house to another, not discussing anything that goes on in one house or the other, what do you want this 16 yr old to do - never speak about his sibling to his mother - just unrealistic. I really do not give a f**k what went on in EXs house unless it affected my DCS in a negative way. No I do not want to hear the ins and outs of their life - but the DCS talk and discuss stuff it is normal. It does help to have a reference point/ picture in oyur head if you are being offloaded on to.

it was your comment about never coming first , second, third fourth etc - an issue which seems to be a common whine from SMs, that annoyed me aswell.

Once kids are involved - you never come first - if you are lucky second, or third ( after a footy game!)

And before anyone even says it - yes I am an SM. Going into the house was soul destroying for me, my DCs showed me where their room had been, now the new baby's room - I got it. What I did not get until I saw it, was the other DCS having a playroom whilst mine got a shared single bed on one side of the utility room.

Uneffingbelievable - I'm sorry to hear you've had such a hard time. I'm not too sure our situations are that similar. Of course children come first always, but most couples do have a period of time in a relationship where there are no children. I've done a huge amount to make sure my ss is welcome and has what he needs at our house pre-baby, as well as since to ensure he doesn't feel, in practical terms, like he's been pushed out to make room for his brother. I've also supported my partner in many ways to make him a better father - even his ex realises this. You're angry your children have been sidelined by their step siblings at your ex's house and I get that, but you ex, and not just his partner, are both to blame for this, and if your children don't live with him and only visit then it's not entirely surprising they get the smaller room although the situation you describe does seem rather more extreme. (My objection to my partner's ex is more to do with her facade of friendliness that I'm supposed to reciprocate but which can change in an instance if she doesn't get her way)

...It also works both ways when it comes to children offloading; plenty of times my ss has ranted about his mum at ours.

It's standard practice to prepare siblings for the arrival of a baby. I realise that the children are half-siblings and for Alex his GCSEs and friends will be higher on the agenda but you sound a little unreasonable with regards to the boys relationship.

I'm an ex and the dynamic between the kids and their parents differ wildly. I'm not criticising anybody here - I'm suggesting that a teen who is seemingly nonchalant about a baby in one house might be excited and proud with the other.

You're not unreasonable for not wanting to see the ex in your home and to be sick of the ups and downs of your h's relationship with Alex. I'm sick of my kids having an up and down relationship with their dad too. He hasn't had a baby and has had the same partner for the last 5 years but it seems that their relationships are so volatile when there's no boring bits like homework and chores.

I admit that I'd love to cuddle a newborn too and that your h should have been more blunt and acted as a barrier. If relations are good then showing him off when she picked Alex up (or when Alex was dropped off) might have been better. )I understand about not wanting ex in your home.

As your post mentions, I think that your fundamental problem is that her outgoing personality can mean that she tramples on your more reserved personality's boundaries. I'm a reserved type so understand the difficulty in maintaining this. Is she one of those types that are thick skinned so wouldn't mind being told when she's being unreasonable or the type that's super sensitive to her own boundaries but tries to tear other people's down.

I'd save your breath to cool your porridge. This is the beginning of a LONG sibling relationship and there's plenty of big events still to come.

I get the impression that you feel you've compromised and compromised and now is "your time". But your ss is probably watching closely and if you're not careful, the quiet peace you've won could blow up pretty quickly.

OP - she goes about encouraging him to spend more time with his Dad on his own so he doesn’t get left out rather than spend time with his little brother or with us as a family.

There's nothing wrong with this. Why would you begrudge dss a little quality time with his father?

OP - if I did not and still do, encourage my children to love their brother, then they would have little knowledge of their brother or understanding. You seem to be missing the point - a 16 yr old has a new sib - what ever way you want to paint that as he flys the nest, Dad gets new family and believe me in a few years time - he will be sidelined and going for a drink in the pub with Dad, will be pushed aside for younger child and you will be on here moaning that adult DSC interferes with the younger child relationship etc.

I will support my DCs in their relationship with their brother for ever, regardless of how much it hurts me. Now ex is no longer with his DP, I have had their brother in my house, taken him out, baby sat etc - not for my sanity but for my DCS and an innocent little boy stuck in the middle of pile of shite.

As to my childrens sleeping arrangements - no it was not acceptable that 3 resident DCs had a room each and a play room . I got the baby needed a room, but to not convert the playroom into their room and give them ONE single bed to share, next to the washing machine and tumble dryer was not acceptable. It is irrelevant that they spent less time there - was space for all the kids to have a room - this was their family aswell.

Would appear that it is a good thing your DSC is 16 and will not be needing space in your house for your new family.

Spent a lovely day today with my partner, ss and baby. Perhaps I'm not the utter c*nt uneffingbelievable would have everyone on this forum believe.

Glad you had a good day with. Your family OP. There is a lot of bitter venom on these pages, try to ignore the haters who look to 'pounce' so they can make it all about them & their personal frustrations.

So the Ex was excited when you were pregnant and encouraged your SS to be excited too.
She popped in to see baby when dropping SS off 2 weeks after you gave birth
She reminded your DP that he needs to spend time with SS alone (absolutely correct)
Now your SS is making an extra effort with his dad.

You're absolutely right OP she's such a duplicitous cow!
Honestly all she's doing is looking out for her son and by the sounds of it trying to maintain a good relationship with you and your DP. There's a really nasty undertone to your comment about SS "creeping up" to your DP - he's a young man who obviously is worried about his relationship with his dad

at no point have I said or even thought that.

Twatty sums it up completely.

Glad it is going well - just do not blame the EX for everything - from my point of view she has done right by her son and bydoing so, right by your new family.

There is not a cat in hells chance my dps ex would be allowed in my house but then she's a bitch so unless we had a GOOD not just amicable, actually good proper friendship. Why does she need to be involved? There is no reason. You're not friends. Ss is nearly an adult so it's not for his benefit.

You really don't have to have anyone in your house near your baby who you don't want there.