Well it's finally happened

[Fooso]

My 16 year old son has refused to come home because of my dp. I didn't realise he was so unhappy with the complete disinterest my dp showed him for the last 7 years. I was always asking him but to protect me he said it was fine. My dp has messaged him today and wants to meet him and he has refused. He is very hurt and unhappy. I am torn in half but have made it clear I will go with my ds

For 7 years you couldn't work out what was making your son unhappy? Jesus no wonder he doesn't want to live there. He has a stepdad who doesn't give two shits and in his view a mum who doesn't care that he's unhappy because she's all loved up with her new fella who replaced his dad

complete disinterest my dp showed him for the last 7 year

Why didn't you take your DS and leave years ago?

Oh this is so sad.

OP, if your DP has ignored your son for years that must have been really hard for him.

I don't think it's too late. I would leave your DP. For everyone's sake - you can't be with someone who does this to your children.

I don't agree that moving it is the solution. I expect there is more to it all as to why your DP chose to ignore your son and maybe doing so was indeed the best approach.

I don't understand posters' reaction here when so often we can read here advice from posters to harassed SM that they should just ignore their SC.

Your son has some responsibility in this by making you believe that he was ok with the situation, which could have suited everyone. Your DP wants to talk and maybe this is finally the occasion to put it all on the table and all to tell each other how they feel.

Your son is almost 18, surely time to become an adult. If he was going to Uni, he would be moving out anyway, so why are you seeing it as such trauma that he would want to move out now? I agree that you need to think of your other children and if your DP is good to them, then it doesn't make sense to move and distress them. All that is likely to do is for them to resent your son who is old enough to move on with his life any way.

I get the feeling there is more to it all though, so it's hard to comment.

That's true - food for thought from swing. Although there is a difference between backing off and being in the background, and not even saying hello. Why has your son chose now? Maybe it is years of being ignored. Or maybe it wasn't that bad - I don't know - I did have my DH feel terrible when his 18 year old daughter said 'she couldn't live with me anymore' - it does make you think oh my god, what could have built up over so many years? When the reality was she had ignored me and my son for years - and it was me who had asked for a chat to make it better.

Maybe it is time to really look into whether anything can change - but if you feel that your DH has demeaned and put down your child - by ignoring - then I would move out - that's not good at all.

A child has responsibility for saying what he thinks his mum wants to hear? Bullshit.

The child in question has been in this situation since he was 9/10. The op knee there was a problem. Because she kept asking her son about it. The responsibility is hers.

When he has grown up and its become too much he has left. He has voiced his own true opinion.

😱 Can't believe what I've just read. If your parents or dp were disinterested in you would you be ok? What is his Dad like? Unless he's a super abusive, drug-addicted alcoholic or something it's hard to imagine anyone being ok with that.

Think back to when he was 9/10. Would he be able to tell you the truth? Or like many kids would they think mum will be sad/angry if I say I don't like X and I want mum to be happy? I think it's the classic age where they are very compliant with other adults. A question like that would trigger another dozen questions and who wants that hassle?

I'm guessing that there is a reason why your boundaries are skewed. A normal parent would have seen that their child wasn't getting on with their partner and started family therapy or ended their relationship.

What's funny is that you wrote this post as if it didn't show you to be a disgusting failure of a mother. As if the guilty person here is your DP. He's not guilty: you are. You sat there and allowed this man to ruin your DS's childhood.

I'm sure you see yourself as some sort of victim but it simply masks your implacable selfishness.

I feel sorry for your DS and for your other children, whom I'm sure will be tossed aside for whatever man arrives next to take no 1 spot in your life.

How can you love a man who's so cold towards your ds?

Hope you get this resolved as the fall-out over the years clearly haven't sorted things out. Seems you know there are deep seated problems to mention son feeling nagged and ignored. I'm a true believer in new step families for the need to constantly work, work, work to understand what things are like for the kids and from their perspective, in their words, without judgement. It doesn't take away from the relationship with our partners. It enhances it. Can you all work with a family therapist? But please don't blame your son or make him the parent / adult in charge.

If you knew your do gas shown your son complete disinterest for the last seven years why the fuck have you let it go on so long without doing anything about it??

Your Ds has shown