How long did you fake it until you made it?

[OrangesAndApples]

I've been reading posts on here for a while now and have found a lot of them both helpful and comforting. I read about the whole 'fake it 'til you make it' approach on here and I've been been doing that (even if at the start I didn't realise that's what it was) for two years now with my partner's son.

The thing is, it's not getting any better. In fact I feel like I'm getting more and more worn down and it's just getting more difficult for me to pretend.

Do I just need to give it more time? I realise that this is a process and not something that can have a timestamp and then end result, but I'd like to ask, if you feel like you have 'made it' - even in some degree - how long did that take?

Do you have previous experience of being in a stepfamily (i.e. your parents? Is there a possibility you are doing better than you think? I think those without previous experience find it more difficult to stepparent, wanting to always mirror a traditional nuclear family, which isn't always appropriate. I had nothing in common with my stepdad, who was a real old school "man's man" and talked mostly about about motor racing and football. However, he was good to me and I was very fond of him, we rubbed along happily, without having what I would describe as a close relationship. For example, we never once had a heart to heart and our conversations were superficial, however he did things like , insure me for his car when I first learned to drive, which I massively appreciated. I was a horrible teenager too! He proved to be a fantastic Grandad, very close to my two DC who were devastated when he died two years ago.
I think there's pressure on step parents to be replacement parents. but it doesn't have to be like that. It's equally acceptable to just be a supportive family member or friend, especially when there are two active parents in the DCs lives. In that respect, it's perfectly fine to have separate days out etc, I would say healthy even to have some space.
Regarding your DD's behaviour, there have been certain children who my DCs have played with over the years who in my opinion, always brought out the worst in their behaviour. As they grew older and became more confident, they just grew out of it and were able to show more consistency in their behaviour, rather than reacting to whatever the friend was doing. I know its frustrating when you inherit the product of other people's parenting, I'm in a similar situation. Sometimes I just want to run away. However, time away from a claustrophobic situation can give perspective and be extremely helpful. A bit of disengagement can be a lifeline, rather that the catastrophic situation some people are suggesting.
I really think doing your own thing once or twice a week with your DC's and putting less pressure on yourself to have a perfect blended family would really help the situation.
Sorry for the long post!

Ive been a stepmum for 8 years. 6 of those were 'fake it til you make it' years. They were very difficult, anxiety filled years. 2 years ago something clicked. She became free with her cuddles and so did I. Dsd is now 10 and we are very close. It can be worth it, it really can. It can be a long long wait though.

I should add that for those 6 years, i didnt have any dc of my own and so the only person who was being affected by the anxiety and difficulty of it was me. I went to great lengths to make sure dsd didn't know how hard i found it to be a stepmum. She just thought i was fun and silly but easily tired.

I can also say that my SM didn't like me as a child, although she claims that she did feel some attachment towards me. Our relationship was bad and time were stressful.

40 years later, she and I are much closer than she is with her own child. She too thought that her child was so much better brought up than I and would turn out to be the happy and stable adult. She was wrong though, I ended up the responsible and balanced one whilst my HS ended up doing stupid things. She is ok now, but their relationship is almost non existant.

All this to say that it might feel that your DSS is a bad influence on your DD right now, but who knows, maybe one day he will be the one there for her when she goes through a tough time and you'll be grateful for it.

Faithless, thank you so much for your response - I'm glad it was a long post! My parents are divorced and I do have a step-mum but that didn't happen until I was an older teen and had left home. I've definitely been mourning the demise of my traditional family and I need to come to terms with the fact that what I have now will never be the same but maybe that's ok.

I think my DP has been really keen to have us fit into that box because although DSS has a mother and she loves him and looks after his needs, she is also completely hands off when it comes to anything beyond his immediate care (ie feeding, clothing him etc but she doesn't take him out or do things with him so that's on us). I feel bad taking that away from DP but I need to spend some time with just my DC. I do feel exactly as you say - that the constant time together makes me feel claustraphobic.

Really interesting what you say about your own DC and other children. I've realised my DS is being affected by the current set up too - albeit in a much less visible way than DD. He's very close in age to DSS but there's a huge gulf between their levels of maturity so DS tends to just remove himself from the situation and go to his room. He is a quiet, introverted person anyway so this is not unusual, but I've noticed more and more that he always disappears when DSS is here.

ChevalierTialys - kudos to you! That's a huge amount of dedication and it's so lovely to hear that it paid off for you. I really hope that I feel like you do now some day.

swingofthings, you may well be right. I don't mean to claim that my kids are perfect. My older two are quite spectacularly not at times. It's just the dynamic when DD and DSS spend all their time together becomes unpleasant. And since I can't/won't discipline DSS I often end up speaking to DD about it instead. She's definitely participating too, but it comes to a point where I'm gently reprimanding her a lot of the time we're together and pouring all my energy into minimising their combined behaviour instead of enjoying being with my daughter, which I always do when we're alone together.

I think "mourning the demise of a traditional family" is exactly what my DH has been through, and we have discussed this. As I've never been part of a traditional nuclear family (although I've been involved with other people's and they seem very nice!) and he has no previous experience of stepfamilies we haven't had the same issues. He actually responds quite well now to me saying my DCs need time on their own with me, and that I also need time on my own (my DSC & DCs are with us full time) and I think he's come to terms with the fact that our family set up is going to be different to the one he experienced with his parents and siblings. I've also used various techniques to make this time apart easier such as arranging things on my own or just with my DCs when DSC have their hobbies. I think it is easier for me as there is a substantial age gap and my DCs can be left on their own and are independent. However you sound sensitive and insightful enough to find ways of getting more time on your own with your DCs whist keeping family time special too. Family dynamics change constantly over time too, two years isn't actually that long at all, so the feelings you have currently may change too.

Faithess, thank you! Yesterday I took my daughter out for a walk and some lunch just the two of us and it was GLORIOUS. DP was definitely a little crestfallen, but he accepted it and took DSS out too while we were gone.
Then when we got back I was much better able to cope with DSS and DD being together because I'd had a nice time with her.
I really feel like a huge weight has been lifted knowing I can do this when I need to. As is so often the way with these things I'm left wondering why I didn't just do this from the start.
I'm so glad I posted here! Thank you all for your help.

Glad to hear that you had a lovely day and that you can see a way forward

Thanks :) I'm sure this isn't a magical cure-all, but it made a big difference to me.