DSCs so often ill. How to deal with it?

[Fianceechickie]

Hi All
Just wondering how other step families work when the DSCs are ill. Both mine are very frequently poorly with stomach pain, nausea etc which, despite lots of tests and visits to doctors are so far undiagnosed. It used to be the case that they would come to us anyway and be ill at ours but in the last twelve months or so their mum has started to give them a choice whether to come or not. Having to make this decision is causing them so much anxiety and every school holiday and many weekends, we are getting texts about how upset one or the other is, how they want to see their dad but feel so ill. This is obviously causing everyone concerned a lot of heartache and stress. We hear how they are crying, don't want to upset their dad etc. We don't know what to do for the best. Mostly when they do decide to come they are in much better shape than you'd think from the texts and are eating fine, want to go out etc. Their mum thinks we give the impression that they think we don't believe their symptoms and gee them up to get out and do something. We do think there may be an anxiety component and do think it can sometimes be best to bring them out of themselves and I guess the approach differs at home. Of course the want to be with their mum when they are ill, I get that and we don't put pressure on, yet they feel it anyway. Don't know what to do.Should we just say no, they don't come when they're ill in any way so as to avoid the issue or say they must come unless they are too ill to travel. Either would at least take the decisions out of their hands which would be preferable to the quandary they feel themselves to be in all the time. I've no idea what to say to hubbie over this any more. I'm lucky my own son is rarely ill so always makes contact visits to his dad. My DSS10 has just arrived now after such an incident and has asked to come out for a walk and ice cream and eaten a chocolate bar. I've said , you don't have to, please tell us if you want to stay home etc, it's fine but insists wants to come.

That's great advice. Thanks. And a relief that others think it's very odd. They have both seen paediatricians and gastro-entorologists I think. They've had blood tests and DSD has had barium meal and has h pylori test next week. Also plans for camera down her throat and she's had scans. Not sure what exactly DSS has had. I have encouraged DH to contact GP and school with his concerns but the one time he did mention there being a psychological element his ex went mad. She had to agree to a camhs appointment as I've said above but nothing came of it. We have talked to DSD to try to help her understand what anxiety can do in terms of creating symptoms and suggested coping strategies etc but when she told her mum she went mad saying we don't believe the children, that we're saying she's a bad mother, her children don't have anxiety etc.

I was told by a gp examining my niece (I took her to the appointment) that slightly vague tummy pain and nausea in young kids is very commonly associated with anxiety and not an actual physical problem. I'm surprised your dsd has had so many tests, and that they are considering a camera. That is not fun.
How can the kids not have some level of anxiety in their situation? It would be hard for anyone.
I agree with others that trying to get them to come regardless of illness would be the best thing but that's hard if their mum is not backing you up. It certainly shouldn't be at all up to them to decide, they shouldn't have to make that decision.
I don't know how you fix it but I think your instincts that there is a big anxiety element, encouraged by their mum, are probably right.

Thanks tea...it's odd with the pains. DSD was hospitalised with them on more than one occasion, she'd be rolling around in agony but nothing could be found. She doesn't have the pain much now, it's nausea. She also had heartburn but did suffer reflux as a baby too so that may be physical. The barium meal found nothing. Think that's why they're considering camera but as you say that's no fun at all. Really traumatic I've heard. DSS having the pains regularly now which he says are really bad but can't say exactly where or what type of pain. Their mum will often text to tell us how anxious they are about x, y or z but then if we suggest anxiety might be causing the symptoms she says 'my children do not have anxiety!'

Sounds utterly exhausting!

Anxiety commonly manifests as tummy ache in children, but do f discount a physical cause of some kind as well. I suspect there's both going on here. There are multiple sources of anxiety in the children's lives, but docs tend to be pretty clued up about this and actually it's hard to get through that barrier even if there is something else going on. So for it to be taken far down the road of invasive tests does sound like it's more complicated. All fuelled by the situation though - sounds very hard to have a sensible conversation between parents.

Thinking of which, would the mum agree to going to counselling or mediator or similar, just with the father, to try and get to a place where some of this gets solved?

Definitely wouldn't stop contact, as it feels like this is the end game for the mother, and that's absolutely not fair on the children.

Reflux in infancy can be caused by allergies to milk proteins, and in later life by inability to digest lactose. I presume things like that + coeliac have been ruled out?

My eldest gets stomach migraines partly I think due to anxiety, often if she's overtired, I wonder if it's food related.

I do worry about some posters use of "not pandering" etc. If they feel sick/stomach pain it's still real pain to them regardless of the cause. (I get headache migraines due to anxiety and they're definitely real!)

We would have a calm movie day and let her recover (she often dozes or doesn't eat much amd is okay sometimes the same day, sometimes in day or two.) It's not put on, anxiety is still real - she's pale, doesn't do much when normally v active kid etc.

Id still want to treat the child as a child with a stomach ache if that's what they're saying and have a gentle day. They need to feel safe with you.