Family values

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I'm a serial lurker, but following on from another thread I had to post this....

Step parents please give me your thoughts!

I really feel that when you marry someone you take on their family. There may be other factors which influence that so just looking at children from previous relationships (who are innocent and a product of your new spouse), do you not feel any responsibility towards them? They are part of your family surely? I cannot see how people can be so dismissive of them when it comes to financial or emotional support, putting all the onus on the biological parents.

I honestly feel that if my husband had previous children I would want to support them due to my love for him. I know it can't be easy dealing with an ex, but can that not be separated from the children?

If my husband died, I would still want to support those children, maybe not financially if they are already well provided for, but I would still want them in my life as they are a part of him, and when I married him, they became part of my family. Obviously they might have half siblings too and I would want to maintain that relationship.

All this talk of 'not getting any of my hard earned cash', avoiding CM payments, stopping paying any CM when they reach 18 (not many 18yr olds can afford to be self sustaining and have any chance in life in the current climate) makes me so sad and feel like we have lost our family values.

Maybe I'm a bit pie in the sky as I'm not in a blended family but I can't see how people can separate their exs children from their lives so simply. FWIW, I also would take on his parents (assuming no back story) and responsibility for them in old age, either jointly with him, or alone assuming no siblings and his passing first.

^^This (Widgin). I've lots of friends that are both parents and step parents, all v different circumstances yet all saying that being a step parent is far more difficult.

OP, if we had stuck to what was known as family values then there would be far less blended families. Of course, men would have still cheated and women would have continued to suffer in their housebound roles. Previously, due to less advanced healthcare, blended families came from widowers remarrying and things like that. These days, people can have children whilst not being married and its not a problem. Family values is not the answer.

The problem is that men can leave and not think of their kids at all and not pay anything, women can leave and milk their husbands dry, men can leave and expect new partners to take up roles as a parent even as they fail as a parent themselves, women can enter a mans life and start to almost feel the kids are hers to the exclusion of the actual mother, women can see the fathers new partner as an unwelcome rival and go batshit crazy about how the kids shouldnt be introduced or see the new partner. And hundreds of other scenarios. So a claim to family values is pointless to be honest.

I don't think you can imagine what it's like to be a step parent until you actually become one. I certainly had no idea. I thought that if I was reasonable, was respectful to my husband's ex wife and put my stepdaughter first, it would be fine. Ha bloody ha. I laugh at how naive I was.

OP your ideas are amicable but well BUT!!

Until you have dealt with step children and the baggage that comes with them, you can continue to dream of a lovely harmonic family life.

don't mention being a glorified baby sitter for DH ex, don't mention the 5 hour one way drive to pick SDC up. 29 hours later the return journey because lovely SDC have received the gifts they came for! (Bloody teens!). Seeing the SDC dressed in rags when you pay 100's in maintenance. Don't mention the bags of wet and stinking clothes that come with the SDC! Don't mention the "it upsets SDC when you give your DC hugs and kisses". Oh and the worst one was 2 days after DD was born, SDC had to stay for 2 weeks because ex had booked a holiday with her friends! But hey, I did keep smiling... luckily the SDC are 19 & 21 now and after we paid for driving lessons they can't be asked to drive 5 hours one way.

I love to hear success stories of blended families, and for some it is working out well. For me, it didn't, it was an utter nightmare fuelled by an demented ex!

OP you have really not got a clue being as you like you said, have absoloutely zero experience of step parenting.

Excellent post scottishdiem.

There are more and more Could Be SM coming here, and I hope that by doing so, they do get a feel of what it is to become so. However much I fully agree that you can't know what it is like to be SM until you become one, I do believe that many go into it with a naive attitude that 'when there's a will, there's always a way'.

Unfortunately, just like sometimes you have to accept that you can't take thing forward when someone you've fallen in love for reasons of distance, religion, jobs etc..., it has to be accepted that you might meet the perfect man in every way, but he is not the one because of his children.

I find the opening post really annoying. There is no point hypothesising about what you'd feel and how things would be if you were a stepmother because there are a million variables at play in step families. Your post just gets backs up and perpetuates the evil stepmother stereotype while helping absolutely no one.

I expect I would have found it much harder than anticipated to be a SM... because of having to share my OH love and adoration.

I can honestly say hand on heart that of all the things I've found difficult about being a stepmum, this has never ever been a factor. I love seeing my DP's love for his DS and feel truly happy when I see them having fun together and being a living father/son pair. My own relationship with DSS, and adjusting to a life that included a child when I didn't have any children of my own and enjoyed the child-free lifestyle were the issues for me. Luckily (and due to effort and patience) these issues have got smaller and smaller over time and DSS and I have a great relationship today and I really enjoy having him in my life and home.

*loving father son, not living!

And since it was (oddly) brought up: if DP died I would certainly want to keep in touch with DSS, however as I would move back to be closer to my own friends DS and family (currently live here precisely because DP needs to be close to DSS even though it's hundreds of miles away from my "home") I wouldn't expect to keep up EOW contact.

In terms of paying maintenance, of course if DSS / his mum were in dire financial straits I'd do what I could. But seeing as he would inherit a lot from DP, plus already has two other adults who can support him (his mum and her DH) who both earn significantly more than I do, I certainly wouldn't take it upon myself to keep paying maintenance on behalf of dead DP...

I need to proofread...

*friends and family, not friends DS and family

Takes all,adults involved to make blended families involved. Step parents have less rights so are limited in what they do.

In my situation and others I know and speak.to where there are issues all issues are linked to the mum and dads and never are the kids complained about. In mine particular seems mt husband and his ex are unwilling to work together and me and her husband have to lump it and do their jobs for them.

Relationships are not one way.

So yes, I came into my relationship with the exact same hopes and aspirations.

Also, I came with a son - who took on his step siblings as his 'brothers'. He tried to have a relationship with them, they lived with us, but now they don't really care about him anymore, they just want to lead their own lives and have nothing much to do with him or me.

What is your opinion on that?

I used to have a good relationship with my youngest DSD. She used to come to us every other weekend fri to monday, I'd pick her up from after school club on friday and take her to school on monday mornings. I spent a lot of time with her and my own dc.

She had a lot of extra time with us, her mum used to go off on short breaks with her new dp and we would have DSD, often from the friday to the following thursday. I often had her when she was sick and needed to be off school as both her parents worked. I was the one the school would phone if she had forgotten to take her lunch.

And then her mum moved away with her and the whole relationship became lost. I still see her occasionally and still chat to her but that is it.

I am not sure that I would remain in contact with either of my DSDs if something happened to dp. The oldest probably if she wanted it but the youngest has no interest in seeing us now so I doubt it.

Even the law draws a difference. Non resident SP are never expected to financially support their SC, regardless of the situation. Resident SP are

Swing My DSis is a non resident SM. Although her earnings were dismissed at court as not being included in CM calculations, the judge stated that my BiL could only pay the amount he was ordered to pay because my sister financially supports him. Basically, she pays for her husband so that he can pay virtually all his earnings to his ExW. We aren't in the UK btw.