Jealous SD

[icy121]

Backstory: I've been with my OH for coming up to 8 years, known SDs since they were 18 mths and nearly 4. They know us as "daddy and icy" and in many ways it's been an easier ride as they don't have the Disney memories of parents together and the dream that if only the wicked stepmonster l would just fuck off their family would be a unit again. That's never been an issue, and I'm grateful.

We have a good relationship, in the main, older SD periods started here and she's very comfortable telling me when she started (I'd sorted pads etc out a few mths ago and we'd had a "practice"), she'll say when she's on etc.

I'm now pregnant (after a traumatic few years of trying and ivf/FET etc). The younger SD is very excited and keen. The older is much more taciturn about it, which is her way generally. I'm not trying to force any sort of "family" thing on them - beyond maybe making it a bit of a family-team effort - all of us vs the baby, and taking about future-stuff, so how when older SD is older it would be cool as she can drive her little sibling to parties etc, so that it's a 'concept' rather than an expectation.

Anyway, older SD hasn't always been VERY jealous. When they were little, she'd have anything her sister wanted, couldn't share, catchphrase was "MINE". She's displaying some jealousy re the baby already - by going back to her mum's and making comments - which are then fed back in such a way that I can only presume the intention to make OH feel guilty.

I don't know what to do now. I'm irritated enough that I'd love to list out all the stuff I do for her, pay for with my own money, arrange for her, am planning to do for her and say all that can bloody stop. That's clearly NOT a helpful option, so I'll keep my fantasy bollockings to myself! BUT should I address the jealousy/sharing concerns on the basis "you're nearly 12 now, so let's think about how the age gap will work and how you want to approach this as it's a change" or just leave her to do/think/bitch to her mum talk to her mum and address it as and when?

How best not to fuck her up basically, whilst not putting her at the centre of histrionics (which may or may not be exacerbated by exW)?!

Thanks & sorry for long post.

wannabe I beg to differ on the age gaps. My dp has two dds and the oldest is 22. My dd's are nearly 19 and 11. Both older girls regularly phone and talk to us and my youngest. They are both genuinely interested in her life and have a strong relationship with her.

When DD1 comes home from uni she often takes DD2 out for the day (shock horror, driving her in her car) and they have that one to one time they both want. When DD2 was born, DD1 was 8 and at first loved being a big sister, despite being the only child in both sides of the family and as a consequence of that, used to an awful lot of attention from everyone. Obviously the toddler stage was challenging for everyone but DD1 started to learn not to leave anything precious lying within reach and as they have got older they are really close.

DSD1 also has a close bond with DD2. She came into her life when DD2 was 6 and has always loved her being around.

The only child with any issues about not being the centre of attention is DSD2 and she was brought up as an only child and has been used to an awful lot of adult attention from everyone. Having to share time with other children has been difficult for her despite every attempt to make sure she has one to one time with her dad and making sure she has been included in just about everything where possible.

I also think that the ex can be an issue. If the mum is reinforcing the idea that a new baby is awful then of course she will continue to be resentful. If mum suggests that she waits to meet the new baby and see how she feels and gets to know the new sibling then it could be a lot easier for everyone. However, it never fails to amaze me how many parents would rather play their kids off against the ex rather than ensure their children feel secure.

I don't think there is a one size fits all in this situation. Some kids do crave attention and reject any new sibling because they are spoilt with attention and don't like the idea of sharing, but in some cases, it is because they already don't receive much and feel threatened that they will get even less and their feelings are totally justified.

In some cases, it is actually the other way around. They are happy with giving up some attention, but don't like the expectation that THEY should give the new addition tons of attention when they are not interested.

mycat there is a vast difference between an eight year age gap and a twelve/thirteen year age gap. You cannot even begin to compare.

There is also a vast difference between siblings who grow up living in the same house and siblings who spend some time in one house and some in another.

But just in brief, when your youngest was five and starting school the eldest would only have been thirteen and entering the teenage years. By comparison by the time my eXH's baby will be starting school at the same time my DS is about to head off to university. It's not remotely compairable.

My DS to my DD is a 14 year gap. They are very close. Now. But when DS was 17 and she was 3 he hated her guts and I used to cry that he hated her so much. And she hated him she used to try to kick and hit him every chance she got.

So saying to a 14 year old "a new baby will be great it's a family team effort sort of a thing and won't it be such fun you'll get to drive the baby around when you're 17 and take him to all his parties" doesn't sound so great to me.

Sorry.

how when older SD is older it would be cool as she can drive her little sibling to parties etc
That suggests an expectation on your part that she will take on some kind of parenting role? For a 12 year old and insecurities, you have basically told her she needs to grow up because something cute is about to arrive take her place and not only does she have to like it, she has to bloody parent as well!

it never fails to amaze me how many parents would rather play their kids off against the ex rather than ensure their children feel secure

It never fails to amaze me how many separated parents straight away lay the blame at the other parent's feet for anything a child is less than thrilled about myself included Said child is capable of independent thought and feeling and should be treated as such. If not careful, you run the risk of belittling, leaving to one side, or outright ignoring what he/she is trying to express. Dangerous stuff.

OP - I hope it all sorts itself out and the rest of your pregnancy is stress free.

With regard to the driving chat - that wasn't something that SD1 'reported' back. It was a low key conversation over a pub lunch and one that she was happy to engage in, and quite likes the idea of. Being 11, the idea of driving at all is fun, so the concept of being in charge like that was taken as it was meant - lighthearted and fun. It was just a way of saying she can (note - CAN not MUST) be involved, but without laying down any day 1 expectations.

We have a little nursery room set up (inferior room to the SDs rooms) so hopefully there isn't any uncertainty there. We don't say "you can help bath/feed/nappy" or anything like that, but at the same time we do need to talk about the impending baby, and I'm just doing my best to couch it all in terms that are low key but still open. I don't want to just have a baby and turn my back on the girls, with a new focus, and by not talking at all about it, I'd worry that would be their reaction?

Good old stepmonster. Can't do right for doing wrong!!

I do think it's important that negative stuff the kids say to one parent isn't used as ammunition against the other though.

As an example, SD2 told OH that their mum is the reason the new partner's kids won't see their dad.

If they said something like that to exW, my OH would KNOW about it. She feeds back everything they say verbatim. There would be texts and comments. But how does that sort of thing help? Firstly the SDs don't know really the ins and outs of their step-siblings relationships with their parents, so it might be entirely factually incorrect, as well as a bloody hurtful thing to throw in exW face. Then, if the SDs were pulled up on it, they might feel betrayed that what was said in confidence was passed on.

So I think it often does go back to the parents using the kids against each other. In our case it certainly does - anyway had a long chat with OH today about it all and feeling much less worried about fucking SD1 up. The comments that were fed back are the latest in years of comments which OH usually doesn't mention to me as I read into it all too much. He's said he's not telling me next time! Ultimately - his daughter. If he's happy she's settled and will be fine then that's cool and I'll be fine with that!

Wannabe - totally agree with you, why does it have to be the EX stirring. She has reported back to her DCs father that their DC is unsettled - major new development and sensible parenting.

Good luck - sure it will be fine and just let her work it out herself.

The comments that were fed back are the latest in years of comments which OH usually doesn't mention to me as I read into it all too much. He's said he's not telling me next time! Ultimately - his daughter. If he's happy she's settled and will be fine then that's cool and I'll be fine with that!
And that's the absolute right way to go about it. You are totally right that kids will say things, usually those kids who do like to get involved in adult conversations and are encouraged to do so, but it doesn't mean you need to take anything literally. It's a pity that in your case, your ex seems to do exactly that BUT, your OH seems to have taken the right approach to it and rise above it and that's what you need to do too.

Of course you cannot not talk about the baby, but you need to be careful about how you go about it. This baby coming is, totally understandably, becoming your all consuming life and as such, it's easy not to notice that you are imposing the same attitude to others. It's the same than new mums losing old friends because without realising it, they turn any conversation back to them and their baby, forgetting that others, especially if they don't have children have other centres of interest.

For instance, if the conversation was about driving, all chipping in about what they will do when they can drive, and then you pip in and you say 'yes, you'll be able to take your little sister to parties', I can see how this would have been very annoying.

If however the conversation was about young kids being annoying with their demands on older sibiling, but you then said in a laughing way, 'but think that you'll have a good excuse to take our car to drive her to parties and go shopping during that time', then that's different.

It's really all about the context of the discussions, and how the baby gets mentioned in them.

OP I just want to say CONGRATULATIONS!! It's hugely exciting that you're pregnant after such a long time trying!

Overall you sound like a great stepmother. Can you imagine the number of stepparents in the world right now who wouldn't give a fig about their step children's feelings upon having a new baby and making the transition easier? You're already miles ahead of many people.

Having said that, it can be a crappy situation for tweens and teens. I have so many awful memories of my stepfather coming into my life in my teens that I've sworn to myself never to remarry if my DH died (may be an extreme reaction..). Blended families are just a difficult situation to navigate and sometimes it's okay to accept that there may not be a magic solution, as long as everything you're doing is done with love and consideration.

Let the child have her grumbling about it, and as many have said, those feelings will most likely change. Maybe your partner can take her out for a nice tea to talk about how she's feeling and her fears, and reassure her that his feelings for her haven't and won't change.

icy - you are currently paranoid, let's hope it is hormonal!!

You are the one bringing up evil sptemonster, EXW must be to blame etc - it sounds for a blended family that you have a pretty good set up.

Some of your comments to a 12 yr old have been a little naive - that has nothing to do with you being the stepmonster - if the actual mother said them, they would be stupid aswell.

You are making a mountain out of a molehill when this ahs v little to do with step families, Ex Ws etc - just an insecure hormonal pre teen who does not want change. - normal