Need advice/rant

[wheresthel1ght]

We have always had issues with DP's exw not communicating and not involving him in decisions but lately they seem to be getting worse and we are not sure the best way to move forward so hoping for some advice/tips.

Some brief examples include;
Agreeing to a £1600 skiing trip for DSS and then expecting us to pay up without ever discussing if we could afford it - we couldn't and she went mental and threatened to remove contact.

Agreeing to DSD's school trip without discussing it but expecting us to pay for it (£140 but the principal is the issue)

Never passes info on re parents evening etc

Applying for DSS and then DSD's high school places without ever discussing it with DP

She has signed DSS up for DofE through school and agreed for him to go on the camping expedition on DP's contact weekend without checking we didn't have plans- luckily we don't, but potentially he would have had to miss out on something

She has announced this afternoon that as part of the DofE thing he is on a practice camp next weekend and hasn't bothered to do any of the equipment prep so has demanded we buy him everything - text says something along the lines of 'forgot and now no time for me to sort, you will have to'

She has massive form for trying to cut DP out of the kids lives by refusing contact if he doesn't ask how high the second she demands. DP goes along as best he can because he hates confrontation and he doesn't want to risk losing his kids, but he has got the point enough is enough.

Is there anyway to deal with this that doesn't turn nasty?

The kids are brill and none of this is their fault. But they are suffering because their mum refuses to co-parent.

FWIW before anyone bashes DP - she left him for someone else. He pays double the CSA recommended amount, has the kids virtually 50/50, is involved in as much as he can be - school only allows one phone number and won't post/email letters. so we can't get info from them direct

School have a legal obligation to keep both parents up to date on everything. .

Remind them of this. .
And tell her double cms is instead of random school trip costs. .
And a judge would insist she stopped making plans for the dc in df scheduled time.

He has argued that and there answer is everything is on the website - except it is about 1.5-2 weeks behind so we still don't get it! Might see if he can get the number on the text thingys changed to his
though - although I suspect that will cause massive fallout!

The divorce agreement has both set unfortunately so without going back to court he can't amend - it is worded as educational school trips though so DP did fight back over the ridiculous ski trip one.

Neither of us minds her making the plans for something like DofE or any of their other activities, we just need to be asked if there is anything else planned. And we would do everything we could to reschedule/make alternative plans for DSS so he could attend where possible. it is the gall of her not thinking it is important that DP is consulted.

She acts like she is their only parent when the reality is DP is just as present as she is and actually we do more of the 'necessary' things because she is forever telling us she doesn't have time. Eg DSD needed a bra. has done since September. It has been obvious to everyone and yet in spite of repeated hints and outright telling her she did nothing. DSD was on the verge of tears because she was in pain so I told DP I was taking her and his exw could suck it up. Poor DSD looked so relieved when they fitted her and suddenly she was supported and the pain was easing. We were expecting WW3 when he told her mum and all she could do was shrug and say she still hadn't found the time. I would be apoplectic if someone else ever took my DD shopping for her first bra!

Just a thought to throw in - due to ex wife personality type are you in a lose lose situation?

When my DH (historically before he was ground down by ex and his sanity had to be prioritised rather than trying to battle with her) used to actively parent he was continually criticised. Exw even demanded a list of 'topics you have talked about with the dc this weekend' (seriously). She is exceptionally power orientated and aggressive. It just became too hard.

DH redacted and is now full flow Disney Dad during visitation. And that's wrong too in the eyes of ex wife. After the abuse and insults I have had from her (for assisting the kids with their homework when they were struggling being one - I'm a teacher?) I have disengaged completely. Ex wife has now PAS'd both children and made a very good job of it. (I was not the OW btw, ex wife left DH for another man)

All I'm saying is, if you challenge her either informally or legally via solicitor etc, could it really have a positive outcome on her conduct? I'm not saying roll over and take it. But sometimes with exes who are controlling and bitter, you will never be in the right and she will always find something to pick at you for.

.... and given the amount of CS you are giving ex w I'd be making clear that school trips can be deducted from this amount. Or that side of her behaviour will spiral more (e.g. Buying a car for DC without consulting your DH and then expecting half of all costs)

Was about to say you sounded mostly very reasonable but I just wondered

The divorce agreement has both set unfortunately so without going back to court he can't amend - it is worded as educational school trips though

What is set as part of the divorce agreement? School trip costs and maintenance? Not unreasonable for her to expect you to pay for school trip costs if that is what has been set. You need to check the wording carefully. School trip costs could be said to include equipment. You could be storing up trouble in the relationship if she is presenting her interpretation to DSD/S, supported by her interpretation of the paperwork, and it looks like their dad is going back on his agreement. Not saying he is but it's the kind of thing that causes major resentment even if that is unfair.

How is the ex wife being kept up to date? You should be kept up to date the same way. I'd be reminding the school that.

But the only thing straight up i thought you were unreasonable on was the being consulted on the DoE date. Resident parents aren't consulted, we just dutifully cancel whatever was planned for that time because DoE is a commitment made.

Not saying she isn't totally unreasonable but just take care you'renot storing up trouble for yourself unnecessarily.

DofE is a suck it up one in my book. Once they sign up to do DOfE you have to just accept that means weekends will be involved,with stuff and you might have to cancel other plans.

If the court order says he has to pay half of school trips then that's what he has to do. As has been. Said he has to check the wording of the order and get legal advice if he is unclear.

School legally must inform him of school stuff. It's not his ex job to do that And he should have sorted that long ago. To be honest.

My Dh's ex did exactly the same with the skiing trip. We managed to afford it for DSS, but my DS in the same school could could not go as we could not afford for both. Caused lots of upset at home. She knew what she was doing.

We cope with her by making an effort not to let it bother us. We just put up with it. If the kids are doing DoE they must be teens, so just comfort yourselves that it is only for a couple more years.

The more she knows she is causing problems, the more she will do it.

The divorce paperwork states educational school trips and he doesn't see that a jolly to some posh ski resort is educational. Plus there was no way on earth we could have afforded £800 towards it. We explained that to DSS and explained that if it was as part of his study it might have been different but there is no way we will be able to afford to do it for DSD or our Dd so I refuse to have a 2 tier family where dd always misses out.

As for the Dofe dates - wasn't aware so thanks but the fact remains she should still have discussed the implications before signing him up. So we at least knew it was an option.

Wrt school I will send him in again but we meet a brick wall every time. They view it as dss/exw responsibility to pass on not theirs

Never passes info on re parents evening etc
Is she your partner's secretary or is he able to have his own relationship with the school? If they have a 'one number only' rule (highly unlikely, the softcare can store multiple numbers per child), they need reminding of their responsibilities.

Applying for DSS and then DSD's high school places without ever discussing it with DP
Did your DP take a note of the deadline and discuss it well in advance? Did he attend open evenings of local schools?

She has signed DSS up for DofE through school and agreed for him to go on the camping expedition on DP's contact weekend without checking we didn't have plans
Really? Surely the child is old enough to decide for themselves whether they want to be signed up for D of E? If old enough to do D of E, your DSS is surely old enough to understand his contact pattern and discuss it with his father himself?

DSD needed a bra. has done since September. It has been obvious to everyone and yet in spite of repeated hints and outright telling her
If dad is 'as present' as mum is, why wait? Just get on and buy what the child needs, surely? I get a bra feels mum's responsibility but blaming her for not finding the time and letting it drag on hardly leaves the other parent without blame, does it? It's like handing back a child with a broken leg and saying 'she needs to go to hospital' and being annoyed the other parent doesn't do what you couldn't be bothered to do yourself...meantime, the child is suffering in the middle.

There is a lot in your post your DP could take responsibility for. Maintenance is a difficult issue and easy to look good paying over the odds but really, so much depends on what maintenance is due, respective earning powers, how children were cared for when together etc that I struggle to see the generosity when presented in this way (paying £15 when only £10 is due is massively different to paying £750 when £300 is due, for example). She shouldn't be signing off expnsive trips, I agree but that can be dealt with by telling the children they shouldn't sign up for any future trips without dad's permission. It is fine to explain they can't do everything and there isn't always the money.

We are seven years into this sort of crap. It's endless. I reckon if DP had put his foot down earlier she would have completely stopped all access. As it is we are childcare (even now). We didn't rock the boat and in retrospect I'm glad of that because we have been able to be a part of the children's lives (now 14 and 16).
There were times when I used to despair but as the children get older it does get easier. Your DP needs to be absolutely on top of things with school so that he can pre-empt things like DofE.
I think it's much harder to suck this type of behaviour up if there are other children though.
I don't know what to say but if she's already stopping contact to get her own way nothing will make her stop (in my experience) so maybe you just have to suck it up for the sake of holding some kind of relationship with the kids.
If it's any help I have a really strong relationship with one of my DSDs especially as she approaches adulthood and can see how her parents have behaved...
good luck!

@needsahalo no she isn't. But the school have a policy of only 1 number for notices and have flatly refused to email or any other method of passing info on. Trust me he has tried and I have seen the emails as like you I thought it was ludicrous in a an age where blended families are almost the norm.

Talking to dss. He isn't that interested. In doing the dofe. So I would guess that his mum is pushing it. Her nephew is in the same school and his parents are into camping etc so this will be her keeping up

Sorry didn't answer the rest.

He tried to discuss, we knew the opening dates and deadlines and she wouldn't engage. The opening evenings we'll, he was banned and told it was none of his concern. She is the primary parent and therefore her choice was the answer. When he told her she couldn't stop him she told him if he went she would stop contact. It wasn't a battle he was prepared to risk.

I refuse to deal with her because honestly I am not sure I would be able to hold my tongue. I love my dscs to bits, we have an amazing bond and as far as they and dd are concerned there is no half only brother and sisters. They are our family who just live elsewhere 4 days a week.

Now they are getting older, nearly 14 and 12 it is easier to discover using In Age appropriate ways what the issue is with trips etc but I hate doing it that way as does dp

The opening evenings we'll, he was banned

No, he wasn't. They were open evenings, anyone can attend. This is just an excuse.

I get the concerns over contact but we are not talking about 2 year olds. If in high school, they can make their own decisions about contact.

You have a school and DP problem not an ex wife problem.

The opening evenings well, he was banned

No he wasn't. Unless he threatened the head or something...

No school will ban, or support another parent banning, a parent with parental responsibility or from parents evening. Solicitors letter to the school should remind them of the need to keep both parents informed. Otherwise I would suggest by dp be calling the school once a week to check what has been missed which might be more effective in changing their policy.

Mind you the kids are old enough to start managing their calendar with you themselves.

@needs I wish that was the case but they won't go against her. If she says they can't come to us and. She refuses to hand them over what else are we supposed to do?

We know the school well but the point is she refuses to discuss things. She applied without any discussion. How does he stop that?

My Ex is just plain horrible so I have stopped passing on information to him about school - our son is 14 so If he wants to he passes stuff on. All Ex did was criticize me about it and use it to be unpleasant.

I'm not saying your DP is like this but as other posters have said - really - if it's good that his son goes on these trips - and there is no big difference in opinion there - then whilst it would be more useful to be told by Ex - you can get school and child to let you know. And really, for example, would you rather he didn't go on a ski trip?

There are so many potential problems that I wouldn't be criticizing the Ex over this one. She's doing most of the raising of the child I presume? As in, has him most of the time. So cut her a bit of slack.

If ever the child got into difficulties or problems then unnecessary arguments or bad feeling over things that don't really matter between parents might get in the way when it DOES really matter.

With a Specific Issues Order.

You may be surprised how the children react. And the courts will support you.

Needs - thanks we will look I to that

Tired - read the thread. Contact when allowed is virtually 50/50 so no she doesn't do most of the parenting

Although your DP has responsibilities towards school trip costs, surely that doesn't automatically mean that DCs can go on every single one?? EXW surely can't be making the decision on whether to go or not without discussing financial viability with the person who actually has to pay for it?

If he is paying double the CSA he has to, but has DCs 50/50 then maybe your DP should pay the entitled amount and use the rest towards trips and equipment? It seems to me he is paying twice.

If it were me I would keep a diary of these things and then seek legal advice.

If she refused to hand them over because you turned up at parents evening you go to court and you Claims costs, which you likely would have got because the court would take a dim view of stopping contact on such a stupid context. Reminding her of this ultimate outcome and the benefits of good relationships might well be able to stop or at least take the stig out of "I'll stop contact".

In reality "she'll stop access if i..." actually a poor excuse for not sorting out the problem or not going himself. She wouldn't have a leg to stand on if she did!!

Sounds like the school trip costs she does have a right to expect if these were agreed in the divorce agreement. I would class DoE as an educational school trip if it was being done through school and if the divorce agreementso says costs I think you are on a sticky wicket there also receive the equipment.

It sounds more and more like a DP, school problem and possibly a divorce agreement problem and less and less an ex wife problem.

OP - read my post - without being defensive!

What does virtually 50/50 mean? He either has them 50/50 or he doesn't. Surely at the ages of the children, they can deal with things themselves? It isn't as though their mother can stop them from seeing their father, if they want to go they will!

Virtually 50/50 as in 3 nights a week and 50% of school holidays

I do wish people would read the thread. We have no issues with paying towards the educational. Trips. The issue is her relentlessly. Agreeing to every last one without actually checking that we can afford it. Our dd won't be going on everything offered because we won't be able to afford it. The payment issue was irt the ski trip which certainly wasn't educational. An seriously would you be happy paying £800out without anyone consulting you?

We are aware there is an issue with the school and their flat refusal to add more than one number version per parent. Their the on it is exw gets the info so she should forward we have tried relentlessly to explain etc but they won't budge. There are several people in the same boat locally. It is one of the reasons dp wanted a discussion about which high school dsd would be going to but she wouldn't discuss it.

Our issue is with her utterack of communication and the constant threats. Dsd is not old enough to stand up to her mum and dss just won't. Dp doesn't want to make life any harder for the kids by taking arguments to the point contact is banned or have them dragged I to court. He has sought legal advice over her contact threats before to do with refusing to hand over at Christmas for example even though it had been agreed and was his actual contact days. Solicitors pointed out that a contact order still cannot be enforcedby anyone and actually is a costly waste of time if she digs her heels in.

However judging by the helpful comments it seems it might be worth getting the solicitor to write a letter advising the if the threats don't stop and she doesn't start communicating and consulting dp then he will take it to court for a binding decision. I fear it will add fuel to the fire but i would be happy to be proved wrong

Apologies my phone appears to have ignored paragraphs and randomly added capitals and full stops in odd places

How old are the kids? It sounds like one is at secondary school now? If so, and they are with you 3 days a week, then communication should be with the children rather than relying on their mum? I stopped telling my ex anything schoolwise from the time they kids were about 10 because like I did, all that was required was engaged with them and asked them questions.

As for the ski trip, you did the right thing, but again, why didn't the child not discussed it with his dad in the first place? Sounds to me that the biggest issue is their lack of communication, the mother is irrelevant.