Partner and step sons potentially moving in

[Cafechocalatte]

I was looking for some advice as I think I'm having second thoughts about my partner and step sons moving in. Hopefully this won't be a long thread, but apologies in advance if it turns out to be just that.
I am a single mum to 4 children, 2 grown and 2 primary school age.
My partner has full time sons, their mother has passed. They are very close in age and are the same age as my eldest little one (if that makes sense).
My children see their dad every second weekend and they stay with my parents and my siblings often so I get a lot of child free time. My 2 oldest have work and an established group of friends so they are out often also.
My partner has very limited support for his children and therefore I have them very frequently.
I am a full time student so the weekends I don't have my youngest ones I tend to spend at home alone to recharge and to catch up on housework and studying etc.

My two eldest look to be moving out in the near future and the plan was to have partner and his children move in. However the nearer it becomes the more I'm thinking it might be a bad idea.
His boys are, admittedly by my partner, hard work. Their behaviour is bad and they act very young for their age. When they go shopping the jump about and carry on like toddlers which means they often get told off from shop staff. They are loud and incredibly boisterous. I know a lot of children are, so that's not a slight on them.
I'm not sure they have dealt with their mums death and as a result they are emotionally raw at times.

I worry about me giving up my child free time as when my kids would be away, I'd still have his. My partner and I parent very different and he seems to handle their behaviour by ignoring a lot of it, but I do struggle a lot. I have to bite my tongue as I don't, and rightly so, shouldn't discipline his children.
I also worry about my children as if the children moved in here it would change the atmosphere of my house completely.
My eldest two are not that keen on my partners children because they fight a lot and there are a lot of tears, fights, and arguments when they are here.
I just don't know what to do for the best.
I don't want to raise this with my partner as I don't want to come across like I don't like them. Individually they are lovely and I care for them a lot. I just can't handle them.

Their two grandmothers both refuse to look after them together and will only take one at a time due to their behaviour. They don't have friends outside of school so are never out or away with friends.
Am I unreasonable in finding them difficult and being reluctant to add them to my household?
Any advice from step mums or anyone else would be very appreciated.

If my partner had them only at weekends I'd have no hesitation in inviting them to move in, It just doesnt feel right having them move in when I have so many issues with them.

I haven't even said even remotely as much as I could but I don't want to come across as if I don't like the children as I genuinely do. Please don't flame me as I'm really stressed and worried about this
Help

Expat has it nailed.

Clearly you don't want to do this, and frankly it sounds like you are emotionally getting over the whole relationship. You don't describe your partner or his DCs in flattering terms. But I wouldn't think it is uiur partner's duty to second guess what is best for you if you have told him it is OK to move in and (by your words) you are "all for" it. You are a grown woman and only you are responsible for your own situation. If you are not happy with how things are or will be, it is your responsibility to sort it out for yourself and your DCs.

I do wonder if dp is thinking more about what will be good for him, and not how it will affect me

Yep.

He wants a full time mother for his children and to be honest it sounds like you're doing way more than a lot of people would in the situation.

You don't say how long ago his DW died, but it's worth asking how he'd cope with them if you weren't around - either hadn't got together or split up down the line. If you're genuinely happy looking after his DC especially when yours are away, that's great and you're superwoman. If not, your time is YOUR OWN and you're not under any obligation to do it.

I don't look after my DSC alone very often. DH wants to spend time with them. But we sometimes do an afternoon doing something with one each so he gets time with them on their own - lovely for everyone - and I enjoy my time with them knowing they respect me completely as a parental figure, listen to me (as much as any child does at this age!), do what I say and respect me and our home and are happy to have time with me.

If this wasn't the case and my DH was bringing up badly behaved children who refused to be disciplined by me or anyone else, he'd be laughing if he assumed I'd be his free childcare and could sort it out himself.

Of course his DC have been through a lot losing their DM. But as other posters have said, it's up to him, their father, to get on top of the issues.

Don't do this to your children. They deserve to be happy and relaxed in their home not for it to turn into a mini war zone. And to have a happy Mum who sometimes enjoys her own company and gets a chance to rest and recharge rather than being run ragged.

I agree with Anne, he wants a mother to look after his children. I know his situation is immensely sad, but do you really want to bring up his children? If not it would be best to end it as you both want different things.

I completely understand you changing your mind and it sounds it's the right decision for you , however I just wanted to mention I was in a similar situation to your dp , my husband died and my dp has completely taken my children on , my youngests behaviour was pretty bad at times but it's been better since my dp has been in our lives, I know he loves them as his own and they feel the same but as their dad is not alive it meant my dp had a much more parental role , I respect his views on parenting and he has as much say as I do, I would say if I didn't agree with any of his parenting but I would if he was the biological dad, I don't think I could have little ones live in my house if I was not allowed a say in their upbringing , as your dp is in a similar situation perhaps he would welcome your parenting ideas, your children sound well balanced so you're obviously a good mum, if you don't want to take on this role in their life that's understandable but I wouldn't move them in unless my parenting views were as respected as their dads otherwise it's 2 separate families living together rather than one unit.

The thing is that if you carry on the relationship but don't live together, you will continue to be a childminder to his children. You've done your bit re childcare, don't you think?

Thank you all so much for your replies and sorry I took so long to get back on the thread.
Ive thought long and hard about what to do and I definitely don't want to end the relationship with my dp but I am 100% sure I won't be allowing them all to move in.
I now no longer feel guilty about changing my mind as my own dc are the my world and I'd never upset their home life in such a huge fashion.
I appreciate all your input

I know it'll be hard telling your DP that you've changed your mind, but....please don't do it!!!
The lack of freedom will drive you mad, the different parenting attitudes will cause havoc, there'll be less time for your own DC's, you'll have no quality time as a couple, they'll probably wreck the place......and you'll end up resenting their very precence in your home!!
How many more reasons do you need to say NO!?!

wdin yes I think that our different parenting styles alone would cause tension and problems between us, never mind the added complications of his dcs behaviour, so the only way to keep my relationship in one piece is to live apart

Good call OP.

That's really sensible and I bet despite being a bit worried about telling him, you're already feeling relieved. You're absolutely doing the right thing and you're a good Mum.

A lot of people recommend living apart, enjoy your time in your own homes and the time you choose to spend together, that's a very valid choice.

Good decision OP