Bitter Ex - WWYD!?

[3mama3]

Me and my husband have 2 DC's together he also has a DC (who is 7) with his ex. Because the DC is still young we all must be in contact with eachother about picking up, dropping of, accidents and school etc.
They split up when she was young and we met about a year later and ended up getting married and having babies.
His Ex refuses to accept me as a parent figure in the DC's life. There have a number of issues in the past including her harassing me with phone calls and texts. According to her I should have no input in schooling, discipline, diet, well being, extra curricular activities, anything.
I have tried being civil on numerous occasions however as soon as my name is mentioned or I ask a question she starts throwing insults and demands around.
A few months ago we all agreed to have a group chat where any of us can post updates, questions or photos of the DC. However anytime I ask a question or make a suggestion she brings up historical nonsense and says I have no right to discuss the DC with her and have crossed a line because I am "not a parent."
Even if I am just passing on something the DC has said like they miss her or want to do something special with her.

I have no idea what to do? Do I continue trying to be civil and have it thrown back in my face for years? Or do I tell her where to go?

Cmama - you really do like sticking it in the face of the other parent.

As halo says - 2 tickets to 2 actual parents - not SM/SD etc.

Like i said, something obviously happened to make the EX in the OP, really not trust the father of her child. If he/she left when the DC was a babe/toddler what was contact like in the year before OP came on the scene. If fraught with issues then the problems are external to the OP and are because the EX and her DP do not communicate properly.

What sort of input are you having?

Obviously, when she is staying at yours, she is subject to your discipline etc. Also, regarding food, if you have a lot,of junk food (not saying your
Do), and ex wants a healthier diet,,then she can ask, but not dictate this.

Similarly, with extra curriculum activities, what's your input? If it's just taking and collecting, then that's fine. Ifs it dictating what DC should and shouldn't do, then that's not fine.

I think what I'm trying to say is how much input are you having. Are you treading on the ex's toes? Are you making decesions which she feels,you shouldn't be making?

Needsahalo, I didn't realise some schools did two tickets per family?? I have never heard of that, That doesnt happen in any schools where I live there isnt any limit, and in that case its a completely different kettle of fish and I would say then obviously the tickets are only for mum and dad then.
And workingmumsarebad I am that other parent, I am on both sides of the coin in real life both resident parent and a stepmum so I see two different views, I don't quite get how you get that idea.

It is 2 tickets per family at my children's school, yes. I don't know how common that may or may not be.

Well as someone who has recently had to get the police involved due to harassment from DPs ex, my recommendation would be along the lines of what the police told me.

Stop any contact by both of you. Find an intermediary who can communicate if possible and get a court order if needed. If you do respond to any communication, only explain that it is unwanted contact and that you want it to stop.

We have blocked 11 different numbers and countless Facebook profiles, but 5 years on the abuse continues, as do the 4am phone calls. This is why I involved the police.

Not that it matters, but she left DP, her husband for someone 16 years younger and they had been separated about 11 months when we met. Didn't stop her rage towards me though. I wasn't allowed to tell her children what to do, even though they were staying in my home. She has withheld contact on many occasions. She does her best to turn her children against DP and definitely against me. She is a pathological liar and I will no longer be in her children's company on my own, as frankly it puts me at risk and I have our very young DC to think about. They have lied about things in the past and their mother would love nothing more than to drag me through something like that.

I haven't seen DPs children in 7 months and although it's sad, given the state of the situation at the moment, it's definitely for the best. I understand he needs to try his best to maintain a relationship with his children, but that doesn't include me.

We have had so many arguments as DP thinks that we should just accept her bad behaviour and play her games and run around after them all for the sake of his children, but it was impacting our lives. He has finally realised I think just how bad things were and how much stress and upset she was causing and I live in hope that it's largely all over now.

DP is lucky he has a way of keeping in regular contact with his DC without involving his ex, which I understand isn't possible for everyone.

Good luck OP. It's been hell on Earth for me and I've only stuck it out because of our children.

Why is it never the ex's fault on these boards, even when she's the one causing the issues?! She could have a civil conversation with OP about her involvement rather than rant and rave at her.

OP, get yourself out of that group chat and don't answer any calls or texts from her. Just leave it all for your DH.

You can still love SD, just don't directly involve yourself with her mother. Even though the things you do are with good intentions, obviously it isn't being received that way and her mother isn't taking it well. You're telling her her daughter misses her to be nice and let her know she's on SD's mind, but her mum's obviously taking it badly as if you're taunting her with the fact you're there and she's not.

Leave it all for your DH, you don't need all this hassle.

The problem for the EX, is they do always have to sit and suck it up. Whatever the EX wants he/she can do and they have no say over their child, it is an extremely difficult position to be in. You are programmed as a parent to care and look after your child. When that ability to control the environment at a young age is removed it is very hard.

I totally agree and sympathise with this, it must be incredibly hard, but at the same time, this is the case in both households. It doesn't give either parent the right to behave badly to their ex, or their partners.

OP's DH has no say over what his child does when she's with her mother either, it's just the unfortunate nature of separated parents.

Plus it sounds to me like everyone involved in OP's situation is lucky that she's willing to do so much of the childcare for SD to enable her to spend so much time with her dad.

Plus it sounds to me like everyone involved in OP's situation is lucky that she's willing to do so much of the childcare for SD to enable her to spend so much time with her dad

Or maybe mum would just prefer the children are cared for by her? As mum? A parent? Rather than an unknown mum had no choice in having around the children?

There is so much putting up and shutting up to be done in these situations, it is not surprising that some people can't manage it. This is one of the reasons dads disappear. And why some mums just can't let it go. It doesn't make it right, I know, but a focus on understanding rather than asserting 'rights' would probably help in a majority of cases.

Like I keep on saying there is some reason this EX does not trust her EX.

Something else went on in the time either when they split up or in the year before OP appeared on the scene. this is the crux of the problem.

If the EX could communicate with her EX better then I am sure most of this would disappear. Tell your DP to man up and sort out the communication issues

Or maybe mum would just prefer the children are cared for by her? As mum? A parent? Rather than an unknown mum had no choice in having around the children?

This is very true, I'm sure she would prefer that, but that's really something mum needs to take up with dad rather than getting at OP...if their access arrangements are such that he needs help with childcare, then unfortunately mum doesn't really have a say in who provides that care. The only answer would be to rearrange the schedule entirely so that dad is present for the entire visit (which in my mind makes the most sense anyway).

But you're right, there is a lot of 'sucking up' to be expected from all parties and it's incredibly difficult and it's easy to see how people just can't manage it.

I wouldn't necessarily assume that OP's DH has done something to make his ex distrust him, it reads to me more that mum struggles to have her ex's new partner involved in her daughter's life to the extent she is. But again, that's something mum needs to take up with dad, not be abusive towards OP who is only trying to help out her husband.

The most important thing is.....that group chat needs to die! Get out of that OP, no need for you to be in there.

If your dp could Changge by going minimal contact with her ie messages only regarding essentials times of puck up, illness etc ignore any messages not regarding this and no phone conversations other than the above, anything else such as talking about their relationship he should just say bye and hang up he's with you , he's not with her and if she withdraws contact deal only with that legally , if he did this it would solve the problem as much as possible so why doesn't he

Our school only does two tickets per family. There is also a blanket ban on step parents at parents evening and only one appointment unless there are domestic violence issues.