How involved should ex's be in each other's lives?

[Gogglerox]

This is not a personal post as such, but I have seen all over Facebook recently a post about a father who still goes around to cook breakfast for his ex wife on her birthday because he wants to set a good example for his kids... but there's no mention of any current partners on the scene
This has caused a lot of debate between my friends and I just wondered what other people's views are on the level of involvement your or DP's ExW/ExH has in their lives?
What do you think is appropriate and where are lines drawn?

Bibidy I'm inclined to agree with you

I wouldn't want my ex doing all these things for me as I know it would prevent me from moving on emotionally and letting go of him as a partner. It would probably make me less inclined to make any effort to find a new partner as well.

I think if being involved in each other's lives prevents people from moving on then it makes sense to be more separate. I know my husband will always love his first wife, she gave him his first child and that has created a bond that I couldn't break and wouldn't want to. However he loves me in a different way and their relationship has not harmed ours. In fact when I was struggling as a first time parent her friendship and advice was invaluable

I'm sorry - I know I'm going to be jumped on here but (& I'm speaking as a therapist) over involvement in an exs life is enabling behaviour & is as detrimental (in a different way) to children as the nastier aspects of separation/divorce.
Every time something is done for an ex out of obligation/pity/unfinished business, kids are taught unclear boundaries & that the ex (their other parent) cannot function alone

My husband has a life long obligation to the mother of his first child as does she to him. This isn't nasty or detrimental. They are just modelling that relationships come in many forms . They do not want to function alone and don't need to.

It's personal, surely? As long as the friendships/connections are there because they want to be and not out of a sense of guilt or obligation.

Far better that people are on decent terms than Actively avoid each other or that a new partner think they should be able to dictate whether or not an ex can be friends etc.

For the PP who states that having a close relationship with an ex is detrimental to the children, well it's not as detrimental as an acrimonious relationship where the children feel torn between two parents and as if they owe loyalty to both and not being able to talk about one at the other's house etc.

I agree wannabe. There really isn't one right answer or depends on so much else.

I am not clear as to why having a relationship with their other parent that is friendly, non confrontational and treats the other with respect.

Since my Ex left his new DP - the DCs know if we have a problem with school, behaviour etc we sit down as their parents with them and work it out. Usually in a coffee shop or a restaurant.

Seeing your parents being civil, having a laugh, joke and then getting in separate cars and going to their respective homes is not damaging.

We are their family - divorce , separation does not change that. How is knowing the two most important people in their life are not at loggerheads, there is no awkwardness and they are comfortable with their children.

I have to disagree - having been through the crap relationship and now experiencing this. The DCs love it.

Seeing parents be civil and respectful is good. Seeing a parent still act in an intimate way - ie cooking breakfast - is just downright confusing. So I really don't buy the 'it's so great for the kids' argument.

My parents were like this for a bit, my Dad coming by and making himself completely at home. My Mum still doting on him. Even though we knew he had a girlfriend, and even at the age of 9 I knew this wasn't great. It made me feel really uncomfortable, and desperately sorry for my mother.

If my husband was shagging his ex that would be intimate. Cooking breakfast really isn't. If it is I have been intimate with lots of people.

I do find the original FB post that OP referes to a bit cringey! but I also experience things a bit differently from Magda. I am the one who left. I am very happy my DP has found someone else. However, I will always "have his back" to whatever extent I am able - as he will have mine. When our present day responsibilities conflict, we discuss it and generally I will defer to his new partner and her needs. We have certain baseline agreements and the rest is negotiable.

I don't see this as confusing for my children. I see it as modelling that just because an adult relationship has come to an end, we are still all family and family consider and help each other. We are still "mummy and daddy" and "mummy and daddy" still love each other, just in a different way. My children find this quite reassuring and have adapted well to the split. They really don't expect us to get back together or voice any particular desire for us to do so. It would have been far, far more difficult for them had they seen Mummy and Daddy been hostile or unfriendly towards each other.

Every family is different. This works for us. I find that the distance is naturally and gently increasing, and I'm also very happy for this to happen. Our children both have special needs, which probably influences the situation, as a greater need of mutual support and co-operation is involved.

Snowflake & biglittle feet you are both saying versions of what I have been trying to say 😊
My ex and I are friendly & civil & work things out with & for the kids, but we don't do things for each other or get involved with each other's lives outside of co parenting & the kids really appreciate that.
What biglittlefeet describes is exactly what many children experience & yes it confuses them. A scenario like that (which is the same as the original fb post) is not about what's best or most comfortable for the kids, it's about the adults being unable to disentangle & move on.