Parental responsibilities - creeping developments

[SteppingOnToes]

I've posted before about issues with my SC clothes and how the children regularly get sent from their DM on a Friday in their school uniforms. They are sent with no other clothes and go back in clothes that DP has bought over the weekend - which are never seen again. I have unkindly been told by some that children are expensive for some parents and to suck it up, and have been advised by others to send them back in what they came in - they were going back in a new outfit every week, with their washed and ironed uniforms in a bag. We have had two cycles now of the children going home in their uniforms.

Their DM has not been pleased with the change in dynamic but the kids are pleased to have a wardrobe of clothes to choose from. Previously it has been a mad dash at the weekend to buy something to wear - and we all know how much young children hate clothes shopping!

A bit of financial back story so I'm not drip feeding - DP has the children every Wednesday and every other weekend from Friday through to Sunday evening (sometimes Monday morning). He pays 50 over the required maintenance payments and the children and their DM still live in the family home. He does not take payment/rent for the house from his ex - although they were never married he acknowledges that she is financially disadvantaged by being not able to work whilst they were younger, though I'm not sure if this is relevant she was already a SAHM with her previous two children when they met.

He is a great hands-on dad who is happy for me to be involved in his family but equally doesn't expect me to take on any sort of parenting role. He cooks for his DC I cook but his DC are incredibly fussy eaters and I refuse to cook two meals therefore when his DC are here he cooks for us all. He does bathtimes, teeth, bedtimes, stories, dealing with illness though recently when they were all ill I looked after them all, he also gets up in the night with them if they wake.

There have however been a few creeping developments lately...

His children are used to having a SAHM who admits herself does everything for them - as a result they expect everything done for them here. I have had to gently explain on a couple of occasions when I have been met with "I want a drink" that I am not their parent and if they don't ask politely and tell me what they actually want I will not get it for them. We have had a few occasions where I have not cut cucumbers in the right way or have given them cold juice when they wanted it warm. It's been a delicate process to avoid being the nagging SM but they are now developing beautiful manners and their GP have actually commented on how much it has made them more pleasant to look after.

Anyway, I digress. The point of the above is because they have been used to having everything done for them they are extremely untidy - think dropping lolly sticks/wrappers on the floor when they are done despite the bin being right next to the fucking freezer!, knocking drinks/food over and neither attempting to clean it up, not tell someone that it has been spilled, and leaving toys absolutely everywhere (DSD is 10 so well capable of putting toys back in her bedroom after she has used them).

After moving in with him I did my 'fair share' of tidying but it soon became apparent that I'd gone from cleaning up after 1 to 4 and it was 4 times the work (but a lot less for him of course). So I explained that although I was happy to help the kids tidy their rooms and tidy up after themselves I was not willing to do it for them. All has been good - we split jobs between us equally but he does any cleaning and tidying related to childcare.

Today we have had another creeping development - washing. Now the clothes are staying here rather than going to their DM, dirty ones are building up. I have already said to DP that I am happy to do his washing with my own if it is in the wash basket I wont sort and sniff through stuff left lying around. I have been doing this and he has been doing the same though sometimes he does just his own which pisses me off. Well today I did three loads of washing and after I had finished was asked why I hadn't washed the kids' clothes too. I pointed out that I had done my own washing and his too and that they were his kids and therefore his responsibility to sort out their washing. Told him he was being unreasonable expecting me to do four peoples washing instead of just one.

I half think that I was BU but at the same time I do not have the lifestyle to accommodate parenting two children that aren't mine. I work full time (63 hours last week), am also doing my masters degree, and have 3 horses. If I had my own children all of the above would have to give, but these are not my children and I don't feel I should have to make sacrifices on my own time when he is the parent.

I do adore the children and spend a lot of time with them, despite all of the above - I will do school pickups if I finish work early, I bake/craft with them, his daughter comes to see my horses with me sometimes, I sit one of them while DP runs the other to clubs so they don't all have to traipse out (or I will run one whilst he stays with the other), I take them food shopping with me and let them choose food that they enjoy so that they feel part of it, I help with homework when they ask and encourage when they don't want to do it, I get DSS5 to brush his teeth when he is tantrumming with his dad and insisting he doesn't want to do it. I do participate in family life - I'm not drawing a line between parental stuff and partner stuff.

So AIBU to not want it expected that I do the 'parenting' stuff or am I right to insist that he parents his own children and I help where I feel able? Is saying no, right from quite early in the dynamic going to create bad feeling, or is it going to stop building resentment over time?

And before anyone says "You don't really like his children do you?" actually I do. I have fallen totally in love with my partner and then fallen totally in love with his children too - they make my heart swell when they turn to me about happy or sad times in their lives and I miss them when they are not here.

RandomMess
Nowt to with baby led weaning, probably again just a lack of effort in encouraging the DC to develop/some need to babify them for some reason sad

Ah - so baby led weaning isn't about giving them solids to eat with their fingers? That's a misunderstanding on my part.

Cappy123
They can't help not being your kids, would your principles be different otherwise?

As I said before, if I had my own DC then I wouldn't be doing a masters, have 3 horses or work more than full time hours. I don't think it is fair for me to have to take on responsibilities that a parent would take when I don't have the ability to work part time to cover this.

I help when I can - tomorrow I am working an early shift (6 till 3) so am picking the DSC up from school so DP doesn't have to work extra hours at work - his work allows for flexi-working, mine doesn't. When we back I will cook their teas, help them with their homework and referee their play (5 years is too big an age gap it seems for them to play without fighting) Normally I would ride my horses after an early shift at work as I get so little time to do so due to working such long hours - by helping out I am sacrificing my own time in this respect.

Disappointednomore
You have them 4 nights out of 14?

No, 5/14 and half holidays, so over a third of the time generally. Plus any extra evenings they ask to come round/ex has plans without the kids (this is usually the monday or the friday around their DM weekend when they wouldn't normally get to see their dad which is quite nice)

Don't get me wrong I love spending time with them - DSD has started to develop an interest in horses so will come to the stables with me on occasion, I do most of their homework with them as I can get them to do it without starting WW3, I get up with them at weekends and make them breakfast if I am up before DP (other times he makes breakfast and I have breakfast in bed with the kids :) ), I helped them make Christmas cards and Mother's day cards for their mum and paternal grandparents (and dad), I make sure DSS has his eczema cream on 4 times a day. I do a lot for them, as does their dad - I'm not saying he leaves me to it as he does most of the childcare, it just feels like these creeping developments are meaning I am taking on a parental role that I just am not capable of providing at the moment.

I've only lived with my partner since October and his routine with the children has been established over the past 4 years.

When we back I will cook their teas, help them with their homework and referee their play (5 years is too big an age gap it seems for them to play without fighting) Normally I would ride my horses after an early shift at work as I get so little time to do so due to working such long hours - by helping out I am sacrificing my own time in this respect.
Why? Picking them up from school because your OH has something going on that particular day and you can do so is one thing to help, but why would you then cook for them and help them with their homework? Why can't your OH do that when he comes home?

Normally I would ride my horses after an early shift at work as I get so little time to do so due to working such long hours - by helping out I am sacrificing my own time in this respect
If indeed the way you feel is that what you are doing is a sacrifice then DON'T DO IT! Who forced you to cook their dinner and do their homework? Nobody. So either do so because you don't mind or don't do it. The worse thing do to do though is to take on tasks you don't want to do and then play the martyr because it took you away from doing your own things.

it just feels like these creeping developments are meaning I am taking on a parental role that I just am not capable of providing at the moment.
But it sounds that these are things YOU are choosing to do so whose fault is it? You don't have to be the one doing homework with them just because you manage the task better than your OH. You don't have to make them breakfast just because you happen to be up before your OH and you don't have to bother remembering about your SS cream as as you've said, your OH had a routine before you came along and so managed to do so just fine.

These developments are creeping because YOU are taking them on making a point that you do so because you enjoy spending time with your SC. How is your OH to understand that you enjoy doing these things, take it upon yourself to initiate the tasks, but then somehow that you are actually not happy about it at all and see you doing these things as a sacrifice?

Baby led weaning includes babies eating finger food BUT it doesn't exclude them moving on to cutlery as they develop!!! All the baby led weaners I know (include mine) ate with cutlery etc by 5!

SteppingOnToes I do get what you mean about being more responsible for your DSC, I felt like that too for a bit. I had a chat with my DP about feeling it was expected of me to do certain things. He agreed he probably relied on me a lot with the kids but thought I was happy to do it as I'd never said anything. Its not that I don't want to do it, but they aren't my kids.
Its difficult to explain what I mean without sounding like I don't want any responsibility for my DSCs. I knew DP had kids when we got together, I chose to be with him and therefore chose them too. I'm very happy and lucky that I get to have a role in their lives. I love them and I'm pretty sure they love me. They've recently promoted me from Dads GF to Almost Step Mum, I'll get the Step Mum title when I marry their Dad apparently, which is very sweet of them.
But at the same time, they aren't my kids and adjusting the situation takes time. If I get home from work and don't want to cook, it shouldn't be expected that I will.
Last night, I cooked tea, after doing the shopping for their school lunches, made their lunch for today, played with them, chatted to them about their day and told them off when they were naughty. I did all that because I wanted to, I used to feel I had to do it all. But I know that if I wanted to do my own thing, DP would do it all.
And DP appreciates all that I do with them, I don't do it for the thanks, but its nice that I don't feel taken for granted.

I asked before how long you'd lived with them as it took us a good few months for it to settle into a routine and DP and I to make it work the best it could. Do you feel your DP appreciates what you do?

I think what is difficult is managing that in between position, ie. you don't do nothing at all, but you don't do things as part of a routine either.

So the question is whether it should be assumed that you only do things when you feel like it, but doing so doesn't trigger any resentment that it is taken for granted?

Or is it a case of doing it more routinely but being shown appreciation for it?

As a parent, it would get on my nerves if every time my DH did something for the kids, I would be expected to express all my gratitude because somethings do fall into the routine. As a whole, the agreement amongst us is that he has no responsibility, therefore no routine attached to the kids. Sometimes he will do something for them and I will make a point to thank him, like the time I was desperate to go to bed and OH said he would stay up and wait for DD to call to be picked up after babysitting. However, if DD has brought her dirty washing down, and he puts it in the washing machine at the same time than his, I won't go and make a point of thanking him for that because it really isn't much asked to do. It's finding the right balance.

swingofthings you wrote when I was trying to express.

DP doesn't thank me for every little thing I do for the kids, but will occasionally give me a big hug and kiss and tell me he appreciates what I do. Or if he goes to do a job for the kids like doing the packed lunches and finds I've already done it, he'll say thanks.

As you said, its finding the balance that works for you.