Don't want DD to grow up like DSD

[Badstepmum]

I've nc for this because I feel like a horrible person. DD is 5 months old and she has a half sister, my dsd who is 8. I've always had a great relationship with her, and we see her every other weekend and half the school holidays and occasionally in between as my DH and her mum are amicable.

She has always been a handful and has become even more so since DD came along. I understand why and I get it, I really do. She's not the baby anymore, she has share her dad's affections etc.. we absolutely do not treat her any differently...her dad has always spoilt her, and been a Disney dad. But she has turned into someone I really don't like anymore. I could write lists of things she does and says that annoy me.

I think that the baby has had an affect but I also think that some of it is just the person she's becoming. And it's not nice. In fact the only person she is absolutely lovely to is me!

I'm starting to dread her coming to stay and I find myself hoping and praying that my DD doesn't act the same way when she's older. I guess I'm hoping that she hasn't inherited these traits from her dad! I know that my influence on DD will play a big part in her behaviour.

I think a part of me is worried that because I'm so completely besotted with DD that I'm loving dsd less. I promised dh and myself that I would treat them and love them the same, but that was before I understood the feeling of love I have for my own child. I feel like a horrible person. I guess I just need a few words of wisdom!

Ignoring your baby when DSD needs to be nipped in the bud now before she is old enough to be conscious of it. Your DH needs to treat the the same

I think that children of Disney Parents end up feeling very insecure and helpless because they have an adult fawning over them constantly. I suspect that she is well-behaved for you because she knows that you are fair and consistent. I split from my ex when the kids were 11,9 and 6. In the beginning they enjoyed ex's attention and constant treats but now realise that he has the mentality that money solves everything and he bought trips to the cinema, toys etc as a way to cope with his guilt. What the kids needed was him to behave like he used to. Our breakup was about our relationship, he's fine as a dad. In the 5 years since our split, he's not told the kids off at all- even when our oldest was caught smoking an e-cig at school. Even though I'm the only parent actively parenting and punishing him when he screws up, he admits that he respects me.
Some of the 8 year old's behaviour sounds normal btw. She's saying that she's the prettiest etc because she's fishing for compliments from you on those lines. Children push boundaries. If you cave in on sleeping in her room or whatever one time, she'll try again.

Do you know if she behaves like this at her mums house at all?

Cmama - Tbh I don't know. I don't speak to her mum and as far as I know dh doesn't discuss her behaviour with her. Occasionally if she's at home and crying, her mum will call dh and ask him to speak to her to tell her to do as she's told and to calm her down. I suspect she's quite a handful but not to the same extent as she is when she's with us.

Just a question about 8 year olds. Is it normal for them to lie a lot and be violent towards other kids all the time? Have a similar issue.

What do you mean by lie? A chocolate covered 8 year old denying that they ate cake is different to a child lying that they were hurt by somebody else.

With regards to violence- are they angry or being provoked? Unprovoked anger is not normal but if they chucked something in anger then that is.

He lies about how others treat him. He will say that they hurt him or neglected him. He also hurts children when he doesn't get his way. Like he asked a boy he didn't know to play with him and the boy said he couldn't, so he kicked him in the groin and punched him. Another girl said she didn't want to play with him as she was playing with someone else and he backhanded her in the face.

Have a look at autism or ODD - or read my explosive child - all helpful

I would be talking to an expert like a GP.
I'd expect a normal child to deal with those situations by getting an adult involved or saying something back angrily. It sounds like he could do with some help socially. Do the school organise nurture groups etc to help with playground situations?

Don't blame a child for being spoilt - they don't spoil themselves.
She's 8 - she needs love, security and guidance from you to grow into a good human being. Your dd will need the same.

I'm not blaming her at all. Having done a bit of digging over the past few days since I started this thread, I've discovered that her behaviour at home with her mum is worse! she sleeps in her own room, but other than that, she gets away with murder.

Your DP needs to step up and do some actual parenting, not just disneying. Not a lot you can do about what goes on at her mum's but you can at your house. As pp suggested, start small and gently and try for gradual change. Most of this should come from your DP. Also getting her a bit more involved with the baby could help, especially as baby gets older and can do more stuff.