Is this behaviour normal?

[TristanLea13]

Hi. I'm a parent to my 5 year old daughter with whom I separated from her mum last year. Since then I've found another partner who has a 2 year old girl. To cut to the chase it's been difficult merging discipline "routines" as I know I'm more lenient. Last week we had a bit of a difference off opinion when her daughter sneezed and a LOT of snot came out and my daughter was a bit upset and "grossed" out by it. My partner got annoyed when I didn't stop her from crying immediately and started to console her instead of being firm. There's been other things too when my daughter doesn't say thank you/please all the time. I think something's are her just being 5 but my partner doesn't see it and expects too much in my opinion.

Yours struggling Dad.

It's only natural to not cry about silly things when older if they are not rewarded with attention for crying over silly things. It then becomes cyclical - the fussing and reassuring reinforces that this was something to be upset about. Trying to gently laugh it off with her, distracting her or making a joke would be better responses. Obviously if she still remains upset reassure her etc, but try not to feed into her sensitivities. This will also be best for your daughter.

With regards to different parenting styles I would be inclined to say that neither of you discipline the other's daughter, but perhaps talk later if there are issues. Good luck.

I cant say mine really did at that age but I suppose it depends what context as being "silly", Over the situation described personally I dont think it requires fussing over. 5 is a great age to start learning about how we act and react.
As I said my step son doesnt cry over literally nothing anymore but that doesnt mean he doesnt cry over "silly" things he does still unfortunately but I think that its because its the way he was conditioned to be, If you constantly fuss you dont give then opportunity to learn for themselves how to think "actually this is ok I can deal with this."

Laughing at a child who is crying? Even gently? Do you like being laughed at when you cry, because I don't.

My children were all quite senstlitive at 5. And that was with a massively stable home life that this child doesn't have. (She's had a lot of changes in the past year - her parents splitting, moving a long way away with mum, dad moving too and getting a step mum, and step sister who gets to be with dad more than she does.)

Building trust with children is always the first step to helping them to grow more resilient emotionally. That doesn't happen by laughing at them, or making a joke. It happens by taking the time to get to know them better and find out what is triggering the over sensitivity. (It is often not for the reason it appears to be.) And then accepting their feelings so they feel empowered to come and talk about it rather than cry, over time.

Really somerville? The way you spin it sounds completly different to the way it has been explained, Its not healthy for a child to be constantly fussed over it often fuels it.
Yes her parents are split up but Im not sure how thats a reason to blame any reaction that she has to a situation on? The child is most likely in a better position than what she could have been living with parents who dont want to be together, I grew up with that and I have to say it was a horrible situation to be in.

Children need to learn how to cope with situations if you arent letting them do that by fussing over them when they are crying over a child sneezing then you are only going to create further problems.

You're harder on a two year old than a five year old?

Do you spend time alone with your dd??

In terms of disciplining my partners firmer on her daughter than I would have been on mine at the same age. I'm just trying to follow what my partner wants for her daughter and what I want for mine. Merging the two and working with two different styles has been difficult. Not a lot of time as I have mine alternative weekends and so does my partner when her daughter goes to her daddy in a court arrangement of fixed weekend fortnights. We wanted the girls to spend time together cause they get on fantastically.

a LOT of snot came out and my daughter was a bit upset and "grossed" out by it. My partner got annoyed when I didn't stop her from crying immediately and started to console her instead of being firm

Maybe that sounds like constant fussing to you, but not to me. The child cried and his girlfriend was upset he consoled her rather than being firm.

There are occasions when a child isn't massively upset but more just whinging and at those times they need to be jollied along and distracted, IMO (but never laughed at) and learning to identify the difference is probably hard when you only see your child twice a month. That's why I recommended OP some parenting books, above.

Somerville: way to deliberately miss the point. I clearly said "laugh with them" and if they're still upset comfort them. In a situation like that (a 5 year old crying over a sneeze ) I would say "oh that was a bit scary, wasn't it? Can you sneeze louder? How about me?" before comically sneezing. Or I would be melodramatic "oh no, that's awful, quick DD, let's call an ambulance" [bumbling motions attempting to find a phone in a panic]. Usually you find this distracts a child and gets them laughing. I clearly wasn't suggesting him pointing and laughing at his daughter for crying, but I think you knew that.

Also, when I'm upset my DH often makes a joke which helps me come round, e.g. I'd had a stressful day last week and cried when I opened the fridge and one of the door shelves fell out, sending milk, butter, a jam of jar etc flying. I promptly burst into tears. Cue DH running in and seeing me and getting a cloth before telling me to go and sit down as "there's no point crying over spilt milk".

I didn't deliberately miss your point. (Now you've gone into more details it makes more sense, and may well be helpful for OP. But the strategies you suggest certainly aren't 'being firmer' like OP's girlfriend wants hm to try - they're sensible, kind strategies that show sympathy. I think OP needs more of those, hence recommending some good books for him.)

Somerville she cried over snot?! It is all a big fuss in my view yes! And to console a child over that is not necessary. Think we will have to agree to disagree on this one.
Introvertedbuthappy, I completely agree!

Yes, joking with them is good. I do that with my now very volatile pre- teen. I gasp and say I am a terrible mother if I forget to wash her socks.

Look into Circle of Security (CoS). A wordwide parenting course.
It is not up to your GF to decide what is silly or not. Brushing childrens feelings away as not important is not a Good way to help a children to become secure. To aknowledge a little girls truly felt feeling is not the same as encouraging it, to whoever Who styggested it up thread. Thats just lazy and the easiseat solution for the adlydt. Instead, help the child to deal with their delings in a more constructive way.

Did you mean me?

Were to start my SS is 10 recently we had a big thing with him and his mum I was to strict my ss said he hated ,my ss mum said my partner and him didn't spend enough time on their own.

So I now I just leave everything regarding him to my partner. My ss is as nice as pie in front of my partner but when he's not their he answers me back and wont do
anything .He's stays with us tue night overnight and every weekend Frid -Sun. Ive started trying to go out or arrang to do something when he's hear to give them more time I'm their even for a few hours .But my problem is now my partner seems to forget I exist when my ss is hear he spends all his time playing the PlayStation with ss. Like this morning he spent from 10am-2pm playing the PlayStation. Am I wrong in wanting partner to spend time with me to when ss hear or am I just being a jealous girlfriend we both work al day Mon-Frid. My ss dosnt want to spend anytime with both of us it's just him and his dad or sites in his rooom. Sorry and Thanks

Sorry posted on the wrong thing 👎