How do you get the ex and DC to understand when you can't afford something?

[fedupandbothered]

(Name change)

Just that really. It's been an ongoing problem over the years and DH's relationship with his DD has suffered for many reasons but part of it is definitely the fact that we've never been able to afford the extras her mother could. He's always paid maintenance at the CSA level (we paid direct but regularly checked the calculator) plus extra for birthday parties, school trips, holiday spending money etc. We've often paid when we couldn't afford it and we and our children together went without as a result. DH has been made redundant twice in our time together (16 years) and had 2 extended periods of sick leave with no pay. He never reduced maintenance during those times - I essentially paid it and that was the right thing to do.

DSD is now an adult at uni and due to changes in circumstances we cannot give her money financially. We are living on 1 wage, I cannot work at the moment and our savings are 3 figures. We're literally living month to month on a very tight budget. We've explained this to DSD. She was angry at first but the last couple of months, she's started to be in more contact again.

We've managed to help her towards the deposit for next years's student accommodation and sent her groceries a couple of times via online shops.

His ex has just sent him a message (first one using this particular method of communication since 2009) telling him he should be giving her a monthly allowance because DSD is struggling to get a job in the university town.

He feels like shit because he can't help. We're barely making ends meet and just can't do it. Why can't they understand? We want to help but we can't. I don't think he's responded to the ex. I just feel so shit so I know DH feels 100x worse.

Your DH is not a shit father, his daughter is rather ungrateful and spoilt though. You're right that his ex has no need to be involved now, it should be between him and his dd. She should be supporting herself, you can't expect hand outs your whole life. Obviously you don't might helping out occasionally but you certainly don't pay grown up DCs way for them. She needs to learn financial responsibility and get a job if needs be!

They need to understand you can't give what you haven't got, and if mum and dD were together they could only give what they could afford.
I have to say though that while admirable maybe you've done yourself and dh a disservice by continuing to pay cm when he didn't have the income to service it. This has maybe lead to the expectation that you will just pony up the cash. And it's a hard lesson now for her.
However I've got a 20 yo in university. My dh was unemployed for 2 months recently, and haven't been in a position to send him any money . He understands that and has been trying to earn a bit of his own money. I can't see why dd can't find a job.
He's on a very demanding course so doesn't have a lot of time but is trying. Most universities will have job agencies and support students in looking for casual work. So she is being v unreasonable

I think it's dumb that parents are expected to give something when their children go to uni. It's not your fault she can't get a job!! My parents gave me nothing when I was at uni! Also for her to stop talking to you as much because you don't have the money to spend on her is very bratty in my opinion! We all have to learn to stand on our own two feet.

When was that, though, Neverknowing? It's more expensive now than it's ever been.

OP, tell her to look out for bar work. It won't impact on her studies, especially if she does the weekends.

Whether you can genuinely work whilst studying at Uni kind of depends on the subject being studied. I wouldn't expect a Medical student to be able to work many hours in addition to the work they are doing with their course, in addition to all the studying.

I expect I will still support my children when they go to Uni, but I will only do if I feel they genuinely can't work, or not earn enough through work, ie. I'm prepared to help them with no expectation, not be considered bank of mum!

If I may weigh in here, her loan/grant situation is defined by the income at her home, ie mother. If her mother is a high earner she will not receive a grant but will be able to have a loan for living expenses. If that's not enough she can earn herself, of course. Most students have to do this - she can work during holidays and use this during the term time if she cant find work in her uni town. Don't be held ransom. "Afford" is a moveable thing to many people. If your SD is used to being spoilt at home by her mother then maybe it's just taking time for her to adjust to living within her means at Uni - she has to make some choices about what to spend her money on and these can mean staying in when your friends are going out etc. Tough but she has to learn. She should approach the Uni to see what help is available, if any.
If it helps illustrate this, here's what our scenario has been : one SS lives with his mother and the other with us. They both are at uni.
SS1's mother is a low earner. He got the full loan amount and a grant that he doesn't pay back of £3K per year. He also worked during holidays. Mother didn't supplement with any of her money at all. He was fine.
SS2 lives with us. I was a high earner for years 1 and 2. He didn't receive any grant and received minimal loan amount. We paid him lots extra as a result and because he was at uni in London where rent alone is very high. I subsequently lost my job and didn't work for a year. Result was we went from high earner to low/nil earnings and SS2 got a full loan, a £3K grant from student finance and - get this - an extra £6K grant/bursary from his uni per year! He's in a very good situation as a result. He continued to work in the summer and Christmas holiday. So it is definitely worth exploring options.

Good luck.

PS just to add there was never any expectation on either side that the other parent would help fund the other child if you see what I mean. My DH and his ex are both low earners so are in the same boat - SS1 was fine with his loan, grant and earnings (and his living expenses were much lower as his uni was in a different area) and we didn't expect/need his mother to contribute towards SS2. As I was the high earner it was my income that was taken into account when assessing him for student finance. And I'm not even a parent! So paid up the money for him for years 1 and 2 (not complaining but just saying this is how it works as its based on household income regardless of if you are a parent of the student or not).

Have to agree with Sheldon to a point.

Comments like - "we paid even when we could not afford to" - sorry she was part of your household budget - your DH should always have been able to afford her.

We paid the CSA rate - yes but that can from £5 per week to the skys the limit, on the vast majority of incomes the other parents contribution does not cover the 50% cost of bringing up their child.

Your resentment to the mother is palpable, so what if she has another child - she has effectively funded your DHs new life, by meeting his shortfall in bringing up and funding their child. If she has been doing this for the last 15 yrs ( from your statements) I too would be a bit pissed off.

Havng said that your DSD can get a job to help herself. It would be interesting to see how your fund your joint DCs post school education - sadly we will not see that but I bet your attitude changes then.

That's a bit harsh, workingmumsarebad.
"she was part of your household budget - your DH should always have been able to afford her." Well, OP has mentioned that their circumstances have changed. Her DH has been made redundant twice and had long spells of not being able to work. If he had still been living with the mother then the daughter would have been affected by that.
The fact is that when couples split up there is just less money to go round and unfortunately some people just cannot seem to accept that. There are two households (and potentially additional children) to fund now instead of the one. And this is a 19, nearly 20 year old young lady we're talking about.
OP and husband have helped despite being very strapped for cash themselves - have provided groceries and paid towards deposit. I think that is very admirable given the circumstances.

Some people are being really harsh to you and your DH! Your DSD is an adult and needs to support herself. Not everyone can (or indeed even wants) to support their DC financially through university and there's nothing wrong with that. Tbh I wouldn't even bother with replying to ex, you're right that all communication should be straight through the DD and quite frankly it's nothing to do with ex.

Comments like - "we paid even when we could not afford to" - sorry she was part of your household budget - your DH should always have been able to afford her.

What an odd thing to say. We were able to afford each of our own children when we had them but on 3 occasions since my second child was born, we've hadly been able to afford them. Life throws curve balls. Businesses fail, people get sick. And considering we said we paid many extras, it's unlikely to have been the £5 a week rate. It was actually 20% of his income which is more than was recommended at the time (15%) and we didn't reduce it when or other children came along which we would have been within or rights to do because we recognised that she shouldn't suffer financially for half siblings. We tried to make sure it went up with inflation. DH is not in an industry with many pay rises and I worked in the public sector so have either had a 0% or 1% since 2008.

(Odd username too, I hope it's tongue in cheek or way to go to make millions of mums feel shit ).

Thank you to every one who have commented, especially those who have understood our situation. We'll keep doing little bits where possible but I'm not going to risk the roof over my family's head or our credit rating. I financed myself through university with emotional more than financial support from my parents. I paid my own rent and my own bills via loans and working. She'll have to do the same.

Oh and Workingmumsarebad, if we can afford to help our children together then of course we will, just as we would help DSD with things like weddings, house deposits etc but if things are the same then the same will apply. We can't give what we don't have. DC are the ones who will benefit from having a degree so they will be the ones to pay for it (just like I did).

The name is in response to my Exs delightful partner publicly critcising me for working 3 days per week in work and a day flexibly at home since the DCS were born. I did this because I had to as her delightful DP and father of our children - chose not to pay anything towards his DCS.

Apparently, my child care choices - nursery 3 days perweek and a child minder before and after school 3 days perweek made me a bad mother and I must be regretting my choices now!!!

I do get that there is less monies to go round when people split. However, the costs of a child do not suddenly disappear because there is less monies. Whilst the one household might tighten its purse strings and reduce the monies to the other child - someone has to find the shortfall for the NR children and that is the other parent. Timing can be everything - eg, start of new school year with all the costs and if you had been relying on a set amount to fund this has now disappeared/reduced massively someone is going to find the short fall.

Both her parents have let her down - your DP should have told her we can not fund you from the start. This is not purely her mothers fault.

However, the costs of a child do not suddenly disappear because there is less monies.

But this isn't a child we are talking about, it is an adult. Like many low earners supporting students through university is an extra expense many cannot manage. She will just have to get a job.

Both her parents have let her down - your DP should have told her we can not fund you from the start. This is not purely her mothers fault

OP just ignore people like this. They clearly don't understand your situation.

I was in uni last year. My dad earns well so my maintenance grant literally just about covered accommodation, yes uni is expensive but it's also a choice, I knew I'd be skint but I went anyway I didn't get any help. I also remember my friends laughing about how they'd tricked their parents into giving them more money so we could go out and get wasted! Do not feel bad!!