Am I a good Step Mom

[user1483887562]

I have two under ten, children of my boyfriend. I have twenty years teaching experience so not new to the responsibilities of children. Sometimes I buckle, I ensure our time together is enjoyable, they love being with me as I organise events, walks, pitch and putt, cooking, reading etc. Sometimes I feel it's all for nothing. I'll never be their parent, etc, any one else in this position? Thank you in advance.

Of course my boyfriend is thankful. And of course I choose to give so much to the kids. But she did cheat, and did tear the children's lives apart. Why is everyone so defensive iof woman who has kids but does not spend any time with them. I need therapy? Really.if I had kids O would be grateful fir any oust ice input into their lives, especially that of a child career based professional.

By the way, what's all the DP abbreviation stuff?

Look at acronyms on the site all there for you but DP means partner.Seriously though OP it's of no concern to you whether the ex wife cheated or not.You need to focus on the here and now & the future if that will happen.Please put aside your teaching head,teachers may be experienced with children but sometimes school hours are the only experience that they have not RL having their own children.School life/Home life are entirely different.
It does come across that you're expecting some kind of plaudits at the end of every term!If you have this mindset then you really aren't cut out to be in these childrens'lives nor their DF's but as an adult he should address that.

what went on in the children's parents has nothing to do with you. I had a feeling you were wanting thanks from the kids or the ex or were upset because dp wanted time with the DC with the not enough comments

If she cheated, it doesn't mean she's a bad mum and has to be thankful and greatful to you. My mum cheated on my Dad, and he never stopped going on and on about it, 30 years after his divorce and two marriages later he still spoke about her like shit.

My stepmum did a few nice things with my brother and myself too, not because she cared for us, but as a way to hurt my mum, it soon stopped when my mum didn't grovel though. She sounds a lot like you in your recent posts to be honest.

It's daft really, because if my mum hadn't cheated the Dad wouldn't have met stepmum. Perhaps you wouldn't be with your dp if the DCs mum hadn't cheated? Perhaps you should thank her?

There is probably more to your story here. I do sympathise with your feeling unappreciated - it is the unnamed core of many despondencies with being a SM.

You do sound very angry against her though. Where does that come from?

I did have a very angry moment a few years ago against DPs Ex - I never expressed it to her or anyone - but the reason was because I was being made 'main parent' by her more than DP. She basically was sending the kids round to ours while I was at home on a regular basis. I voiced concerns to DP who did ask the kids not to come just out of the blue, but it didn't work - until I could stand it no more and I directly messaged DPs Ex not to send them anytime but to have a more regular, agreed schedule. She went bananas - and basically told me that not only did she not appreciate me in the slightest, but she did not want me to even attempt to parent them, in any way, I should be totally ignored as it was the kids house and not mine, they were plenty old enough to fend for themselves (10, 12 and 14 at that stage) etc! I have to admit I didn't realise how hurt I would feel - I was practically raising the woman's kids by that point 90% of the time and she couldn't care less. And the kids don't have a deep bond with me, even after years, but they do with her.

It is just the way it is OP. Basically don't parent those kids too much, only do the minimum. I know it sounds hard. But it's your DPs and their Mum's job. Unless the Mum has totally let go and does not let her kids loyalties remain with her, you will be there in the background mostly.

I've been a SM for 15 years, I've never expected any thanks from DSC or their mum, I chose to put myself in that role so why would I? I don't understand the tone of your posts OP, do you resent the time and effort you put in with your DSC?

I did stuff with mine when they were younger because I enjoyed it and because they were children and if you choose to be in their lives it's kind of hard not to care for and interact with them isn't it? You mention your profession quite a bit, are you struggling to separate the relationship you're building with these children from those you teach? Because these children aren't a job and you're unlikely to get any recognition for what you do for them, other than from your DP who hopefully appreciates the fact that he's with someone who's willing to invest in his DC.

There is a long term pay off if that helps at all, mine are 18 and 20 respectively now and we're close, they seem to love and respect me and it's apparent when they talk about their childhood that they appreciate what I've done for them over the years. If im honest though I did it for selfish reasons, they were an extension of my DH and I realised early on that loving him meant loving them too, plus it was fun and I'm not sure I would have had my own DD if it hadn't been for them, they kind of drew out a maternal instinct I never knew I had.

My advice to you would be to do the things you do with them because you want to, not because you expect any thanks for it, I don't honestly understand why you would look at this any other way.

especially that of a child career based professional

so are you saying you make a better mother than one who is does not have a career working with children?

No one should thank you for taking care of stepchildren. Its something you choose do be part of when you meet a man with kids regardless of their mother.

I'm confused. Do you and your partner have the children 3 days a week? Where are they the other 4?

If they're with their mum then does your partner thank her for looking after them and "saving him childcare"?

It sounds like you should be raising issues here with your partner. You knew he was a dad when you met so you walked into this situation. Sadly many fathers walk away and don't share their kids equally so it's lovely he does... but he is only being a parent. And you chose to be with a parent. I can't see why his ex wife should be thanking you for anything.

I may have misunderstood though.

Gosh. Such resentment of someone who really isn't anything at all to do with you. Why?

As a teacher, I find your comments somewhat embarrassing. Who on earth are you to judge anyone? She should be grateful because her child,is in the hands of a professional? Jesus wept.

I agree with pp you sound very crass in your comments. Cheating doesn't make her a bad aren't also would told you she cheated? Could you partner have altered the truth? You sound resentful of the situation flowers my arse it doesn't sound like you suit the current set up.

As I said above mothers don't expect their relationships to breakdown with their children's fathers when they have DC and then have ex partners involved in there dcs lives.

You are assuming it is always the DF fault that the relationships break down!

Maybe if some DM didn't have affairs then the relationships wouldn't breakdown.

It isn't a one way street no matter how much some paint it as such

Thank you all. I will continue to do my best with the girls including piano tuition.

Cheating doesn't make her a bad

Yey it seems to if it is the DF that cheats. These boards are full of name calling etc.

also would told you she cheated?Could you partner have altered the truth?

Right because women never cheat do they.

Thank you all. I will continue to do my best with the girls including piano tuition

The more you post, the more I just think troll.

You are assuming it is always the DF fault

Not at all. Relationships breakdown. People are at fault. What matters is how things are handled going forwards. It makes no logical sense for a step mum to be angry at a woman who is nothing to do with her because there is a shared care situation on place. Resentment is difficult to love with.

So your boyfriend has outsourced a good portion of his parenting to you on his time. It's your choice to go along with that, and it's your boyfriend who should thank you. You have only lived together 6 months and are very over involved in these children's lives. If you carry on like this you will end up more and more bitter.

If you don't want to continue to be part of their lives as you are now, take a massive step back.

I took on my DSS just before his second birthday. His birth father saw him sporadically and twisted DSS against me. He was an alcoholic and his relationship with my DW had been violent, emotionally abusive and he was a cheat. DSS had witnessed violence.

DW and DSS were living with me before DSS third birthday, some miles from birth father. Every time birth father saw him he would instill his hatred of me into DSS. As a result DSS was emotionally all over the place and violent to me and his half sister.

It took ten years for DSS to start acknowledging me, a further five to recognise the poison his birth father had been feeding him. As a result he no longer sees him, and soon after started calling me Dad.

He's 21 this year and we've had conversations where he expresses his gratitude that I was always there for him and never abandoned him regardless how bad his behaviour became. We love each other deeply.

Kids aren't stupid, they know what you're doing for them even if they don't openly express it. Be sure you're doing a fantastic, important job. One that will likely keep your relationship strong in the years to come.

"Selfish cows who give birth then expect everyone else to raise their children"

You didn't answer my question- are you looking after them 3 days per week because your boyfriend is looking after them the other four and She is doing none of the care? In which case you have my huge apologies and admiration.

If, however, you are caring for them the three days your boyfriend has them. Then the quote above is most accurately aimed at your boyfriend- apart from the cow/birth aspect.

I've gone from relating to OP to not at all.

As I posted before I am in a similar position. I knew that making a future with him meant his kids also being part of our life. I am incredibly lucky to be a part of their family and I expect no gratitude from their mother. Why would I? If anything I'm grateful to her for not seeing how great their father is so I can have him

Whatever the circumstances of the break up it can be hard to see the ex move on and be happy, if the parents can at least be civil then it's best for the kids but don't expect her to be fawning over you

Sorry i meant to say cheating on someone doesn't mean they are a bad parent bad partner but not bad parent necessarily and i'm guessing your partner told you that's what happened, im pretty sure my ex wouldn't admit to being the cheater and much easier to make me the bad.

You harp on and on about what you do for them, do you actually love them? I'm not suggesting you have to love them at all, but if you don't, just step back! It sounds as though you are trying to do all these activities you think kids need to develop as opposed to doing them out of genuine love and care. And it's very rare for mother to be thankful of step mum, it happens, but it's rare

I'm surprised you expect thanks TBH. The mother didn't choose you to look after and do stuff with her children. The I expect you do it because you like them and love your partner.

In time the children will thank you if they don't already.