Am I bad for not liking her

[Bourne123]

In 1987 I met my husband, I had just started boarding school & we were both 11 years old. From day one he & I were an item & it stayed the same all throughout school until we were 16. Finishing boarding school we went back to our own towns a couple of counties apart. We met up over the years, always ending in too much wine &/or vodka & always weed. And always ending up in bed together (strangely never sex though), most of the time his girlfriend would be out of town on business & me, a boyfriend also away on business. We would meet at whom evers house was more convenient & safest. Anyway, he ended up with a daughter from a long term relationship which ended when their daughter was 3, I was really hurt by his admitted "drunken mistake, doesn't even remember having sex" as I had thought we'd eventually end up together, however we still met up, drank too much, but only on his child free weekends, I couldn't imagine a future between us now that he had a child.

When I was 30, I thought it was time to move on & start my own family. I met my ex husband in 2006 & we were to marry in sept 2009, I met him one more time in the April before I was to get married, again this ended up the same was as many times before, but this time he told me how he felt, his father had recently died & he thought he had nothing to loose. He asked me not to get married, told me he had always loved me & it had always been me. It was all too late, I ended up marrying & we had our daughter in Feb 2011. He was still in my mind, although he had a girlfriend, I found out through Facebook that he was again single & in oct 2013 I left my husband (poor man, still good friends) & we started a relationship. I moved to his home town a year later & we married Christmas 2015.

His daughter now 14 lives with us 50% of the time spread over a two week rota & my daughter now 5 lives with us full time, seeing her dad every 2nd weekend.

We lived quite happily to start with, although I felt he was constantly monitoring my relationship with his daughter, however his daughter & I got on no problems, most of our discussions were girlie chats & he only saw that we didn't talk so much in front of him. He accused me of not having a relationship with her as he didn't see the other side. I used to plait her hair before school (thoroughly washing my hands afterwards, which is more explained about below). She confided in me about many subjects, sought advice from me, came to me with her friend problems etc. In July last year she & a few friends from school smoked a joint to, I guess celebrate the start of the summer holidays & she freaked out, phoned me & I left my friends house to go home to help her calm down & feel better & I promised her that I wouldn't tell her Dad. In August last year, she told me she had a panic attack & said she felt high again & was laughing about it, whilst she was trying to explain it to me. I didn't quite understand how smoking a bit of a joint could trigger psychosis (especially having smoke it for years with no known personal issues) & I told her to tell her dad as I thought he'd understand it better than me having qualified & worked as a social worker for many years.

From that day our relationship has turned very sour, good days & bad but generally bad. I feel that he has taken over & pushed me to one side. I did say to start with that I will take a step back & let him deal with it, she saw a counsellor & her mother & my husband attended a few sessions, I had no part in any rehabilitation. I wasn't sure I 100% believed the panic attacks to be real & thought she was manipulating both sets of parents, playing us off against each other. She had 2weeks off school before Christmas which my husband said "we all" had agreed to ("we" didn't include me) it was suggested by the counsellor & agreed to by the school & her parents. I thought it was avoiding the issues & not helping her to deal with them.

Since August, his daughter & I have had no girlie chats. The situation now has become so bad & uncomfortable for me that I really don't like her, I don't want her staying in our home. I try to avoid situations that involve her. I don't want to spend any time with her. Everything that she does or doesn't do annoys the hell out of me. I find her to be selfish, spoiled & lazy. She has constantly had nits this summer & her one & only hobby of make-up has become such an issue with cleaning make-up fingers prints off paint work, carpet & her school shirts & the tide mark in the bath, I'm find myself to be quite repulsed. I have voiced my opinions, dislike & feelings to my husband & it has turned into tit-for-tat. Although obviously to me, if my own daughter (at 5 years old) forgets to flush the loo or rinse the sink after brushing her teeth, it's not an issue. Also any trust that was once there between us has gone. She told her mother that I knew about her smoking it & also told her I knew about the others times & told her to be careful, when I hadn't. Her mother & I have an issue as she's not stupid & suspected the past relationship..

Our situation at home is that it is my husbands house & 90% of the furnishings came with me or have have been more recently bought by me, i have never opted for the cheaper option & always bought my preferred, even if I had to go without & save more. So my stuff is important to me & I like to look after it.

I pay for the food, he pays the bills, I buy clothes, birthday/christmas presents etc for my daughter & him his. I deal with my daughters schooling, uniform etc & him his. We don't have any joint accounts, the money earned by me is mine & his his.. When we take a holiday, we pay for our own flights & put in 50/50 spending money. I do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, gardening & work part time.

I believe I am a little OCD & it has always been a bit of a joke in the past with friends & family, my mum is the exactly same, I just see it as super organised & I like my home/garden to look tidy & to be clean. Nothing extreme as light switches on/off 10 times, checking the door is locked, no obsessive thoughts of knife attacks, but everything does have its place. I particularly don't like going to supermarkets as have a very heightened sense of smell & can pick up many smells, my worst (other than goats cheese) is dirty hair, hats & pillows smells & when I detect it, it stops my breath. I now do my food shopping online.

I've looked into how to deal with OCD, thinking that maybe I could fix this issue on my own, but most advice says to face the issues that cause your anxiety, I can go to supermarkets, it does give me a headache. I will only pop in for a couple of bits, never a big shop. A spice jar not being lined up or an ornament out of place, I will still straighten them & I fold my towels into threes! These things aren't really my issue.

My issue now is that I dislike his daughter so much that anything that she does causes me a huge amount of anxiety, I now only clean after she has stayed with us, I cook cheaper meals when she's at our house, I don't wash her clothes with mine & I use rubber gloves to put her stuff in the machine. I don't like her toothbrush touching mine or my daughters.

The other day I found her & my husband laying on my bed, on my side with her head on my pillow. I had a anxiety attack, freaked out (not in front of her) but my husband & I argued, he called me revolting & disgusting & I told him i thought his daughter was a chav. Obviously this didn't go down to well. I also ended up washing our bedding after..

I love my husband dearly & have done for most of my life, I am now seeking advice as to what I can do to help me possibly like her again. As I can't just run away. I feel like the situation has gone from bad to worse.

Your behaviour is vile- the way yourself and your husband treated previous partners is revolting. What strikes me from your post is that you don't seem to feel bad about anything you do- no remorse and no empathy. I think you should visit a psychologist as soon as you can, something isn't right here.

So you all got on well for three years, though he was watching you closely. Then for the last five months you have been sidelined from her care and relationship with her.
Her father isn't disciplining her, or doing any cleaning up after her.
You are struggling to cope with all of this and it is coming out in a distaste for caring for her and cleaning up after her. You resent all the care you are obliged to give her.

I'm not sure why people are being so harsh with you OP. Anxiety does funny things, and obviously you are being overwhelmed by a tricky situation. Can you get DH to step up to the plate in terms of helping you feel more secure, and also helping clear up after his daughter be a bit more? When you freaked out about her being on your pillow, why did he call you disgusting and revolting?

I am not so sure how telling the OP she is vile and disgusting will help DSD. The OP clearly knows she is the issue and has come here asking for advice.

OP you know your treatment of DSD is totally inappropriate and you are probably causing her more damage than you realise.
You need help with your MH and until you get it you are running the risk of ruining all of your relationships including the one you have with your husband.

You need to find techniques to help you deal with the anxiety especially in the presence of the children because you can kid yourself all you like that you are hiding it from her and that she does not know but trust me she does.

You were out of order calling her names that is very childish of you and I hope you apologised to your DH.

Repeat a hundred times a day if necessary "this is my problem and DSD is not to blame."

If anyone needs a reason not to smoke weed, it's right here. The damage it does to people is extraordinary.

Her father should have left you by now. I am judging him for allowing his dd to live in this environment.

Caring sensitive people don't describe the child the way you do, she has her own issues by the sounds of it and regardless of your OCD your description of her is vile. She is still a child she does not deserve to be treated this way regardless if your dh knows your feelings don't be fooled into thinking she doesn't know because she does.

With this level of hostility you are kidding yourself if you think she doesn't know.

OP serious question how would you feel if your dh had this attitude towards your own dd?

Thanks pklme, this is the sort of advice I'm seeking. He called me revolting as I would allow my own daughter to lay on my pillow but not his. I've just braided her hair & found nits again... & again I will be the one combing through with the treatments & nitty gritty..

Also thank you to reallyanotherone for your supportive words

But OP it is a revolting attitude you have towards his daughter you must see that?

Would you have the same attitude if your dd had its for god sake it's it's not the plague..

Yes just ignore the relies you don't like and embrace the ones you do.

Your behaviour toward SD is disgraceful and you need to move out until you have sorted your OCD and health issues out.

It doesn't sound to me that you truely dislike her, but that she has become the focus of your mental health condition.
The fact you have recognised this and asked for help should be applauded. You do not deserve to be called vile.
If you were a new Mum with pnd and thought of this nature towards your baby you wouldn't get this response.
You need a see the gp about your mental health and maybe get an IAPT referral. Talk about this more with your partner, if he is a social worker he will have a good understanding of this type of mental health issue. Be kind to yourself, recognising this is a problem is the first step.
Try to spend some time with your SD doing something you both enjoy..... go for a milkshake or something and try to start a dialogue again with her.

Mousybrown Thank you.. that's what I intend to do,

From your OP, it seems to me that there are a few seperate issues going on here that have resulted in you feeling very unhappy - the relationship with your husband, the relationship with your SD and your anxiety. PPs have asked why we need the back story, but I think you have written it all down because it sounds like the cumulation of everything has just got too much.

Firstly, your husband. You seem to be focussing on the SD, but everything you have written about your DH describes a rather tempestuous relationship shall we say. You have spent many years in love with this man who you have had an on/off relationship with. You say in your OP that you knew you would end up together. I reckon a lot of your life will have been spent fantasising about what your life with him will be like when you finally get together. Now you are finally together, there are problems and it does not live up to that fantasy. Honestly, is this correct? That is actually a very distressing situation for someone to find themselves in and I can understand why you would be upset by that.

The mentions you give to your DH don't really paint the situation in a very positive light, but the snippets of somebody's life that we get from an internet post don't always paint an accurate picture of the situation! From what you say, he monitored your relationship with your SD, accused you of not having a relationship with her and the two of you have argued where you both said some very spiteful things to each other. Aside from your issues with his daughter, how is your relationship currently? Is he ever controlling in other aspects of your life? Is he ever supportive of your anxieties?

I'm curious as to why you are the one treating the nits and washing her clothes. Can he do that? Have you explained very calmly to him the reasons why you don't like doing it, emphasising that you know this is your problem and not his daughter's?

It's really good that you are seeking help for your anxieties and that you have recognised there is a problem there. It does sound like you have some sort of anxiety disorder (which would be best diagnosed by a professional) linked to cleanliness and possibly health. Like PP have said, this seems to all have been transferred to your SD. Can you have a conversation with SD and DH, explaining how you feel, but again emphasising that you know this is YOUR problem not that she has done anything wrong or has anything to be embarrassed about. You could let them both know your triggers (e.g. people using your pillow), but make sure you are not targeting her per se, and that it is YOUR issue. It is really important that she is not made to feel like she is unclean or anything as this will really damage her. So, for example, you could say you need to be the only one using your pillow, but this rule will need to apply to everybody in the house so no one else uses it IYSWIM.

With regards to your SD, most of the reasons you give for not liking her seem to stem from anxieties about cleanliness (the nits and the make-up stains etc) rather than her personality. I think you made a mistake keeping her secret from her parents, but I can see that you were put in an awkward position and wanted to build her trust. Have you spoken to her about why you felt you needed to tell her Dad? That all the adults around her care about her and you need to work with them to make sure she is OK? She sounds very troubled and does need this support from everyone. I agree that it would be good for you to do some activities together that you both enjoy for you to bond.

As for the nits, have you tried the whole soaking of the hair in vinegar as well as using the chemical products? It detaches the eggs apparently, so they will comb out.

I'm sorry this is long and if I haven't really added any helpful advice, but I felt that you are being really flamed here in a way that is not helpful to you or your SD. You sound really down from your posts and I hope that you can work through this and that you and your family will be happy. Anxiety can be very destructive and irrational, so keep reminding yourself that it is your anxieties that are making you feel this way and she is not at fault because she is a child in the middle of a difficult situation.

There is some good advice here to which I will only add:

Practically speaking, my dd sprays my dgd's hair with diluted tea tree oil to prevent lice infections.

And fourteen-year-old girls can be extremely difficult to live with in general, even if they are your own. And I think you should apologise very sincerely to your husband for the way you have spoken of his daughter, as that is just not how anyone should refer to another person's child.

I don't think that you've got enough time OP to sort this out and rebuild relationships - your DSD is 14 and the next few years are critical for her. She's already been showing signs of being a anxious and smoking - huge concerns for a parent and you should have flagged those up immediately with them. You sound like at one time it was a friend type relationship with your step daughter, so who knows, if you step back for some years now and sort yourself out you may reconnect with your DP, preferably when she's left home which won't be that far away. Think long term.

I know you've had judgement - but anyway that you look at this - it is not going to resolve itself, there isn't time for you to sort out quite a strong OCD reaction and reconnect with your DSD before she's an adult and there is your DSDs development at stake here.

I really would move out. Get help for your OCD and your issues about your DSD and relationships, unpick them and rebuild yourself. Take your time. Look after your own daughter and just take time to breath.

thebluedragon Your message & questions have been very helpful. I hope you don't mind but I have PM you. Regards

You say that your OCD is not the issue, but unfortunately, it is creating a situation that is affecting the situation with your SD. You have to be quite experienced in MH and be extremely understanding not to take the actions of someone like you personal, and your SD won't be one of them, and I am not sure even your OH is, or maybe he does understand but has lost patience.

People like you, without meaning it, will destroys someone self belief and confidence by their actions. How insulting to do you think it is to know that someone is washing their bedding just because you lay on it. Teenagers are naturally self-conscious, your behaviour will only make it ten times worse.

I do feel for you because it does sound like you do mean well and do want to make things better, but I agree that I think most of the damage has already been done. Frankly, if I was the mum of the child, I would stop the 50/50 care immediately and make it every other week-end, and indeed, it might be the only solution, but how would your OH react to this?

Hi Bourne -

I can really empathise with a lot of what you say here. I also have anxiety which is exhibited in a need for a very tidy/clean house and my teen SD really messes with my head with regards to this. I get very very distressed when she does things like use my toothbrush or sleep in my bed.

This escalated recently and I have had some further therapy with a sympathetic therapist. It hasn't 'fixed' things but it has been helpful in calming me down a lot. Talking things through with a neutral observer is really helpful and helps impose a logical narrative on my feelings of anxiety. This doesn't fix stuff but it really helps to be able to understand which of DSD's behaviour is triggering me and why.

Other people's children are always more 'yucky' than our own - I don't mind wiping snot from my own children's faces but other children's makes me gag! Step children are no different, unfortunately. We don't have the unconditional mother love for them and expeecting it just sets us up to fail. I think we have to navigate step motherhood in very different ways (the book Stepmonster is very helpful in explaining this and I would recommend it).

I do have times of thinking I'm a terrible person for not liking my DSD but teenagers are hard work at the best of times and I do not have unconditional motherlove for her to support our relationship. I hope that as she grows up and we change together then our relationship will improve again.

People have been very unkind on this thread, but that is normal for this sort of situation - I'm sorry. It's not what you need.

For those posters: I'm in a similar situation but the house and furniture is all my own - should I just ask DH and his children to leave? For their own good? It's not that simple, is it?

Anyway, I think you can get through this with help and support but probably into a reality that is very different: probably one where you recognise your own weakness/triggers but also leave the parenting of your DSD to your DH, and detach or withdraw. This is very hard and very dysfunctional but at least provides a structure that you can work within - and I guess that structure is important to you.

You are probably in for a rough 4-5 years. You could live separately during this time or you could live together, separately. The key is probably understanding yourself more and I really think that the neutral space of therapy is an excellent place to do that.

I'm sorry, this doesn't relate to much of what's been said and I don't have much personal experience so nothing to add except..

why on early are you dealing with a 14 years olds nit problem?? You hate doing it, you really don't need to

My 12 year old gets nits occasionally. She goes in the shower with the nitty gritty and deals with them herself, having chucked on a load of conditioner. Her hair is very long.

Problem solved (well that one anyway )