SD issues - what to do

[LostSM]

I'm at a loss as to what to do, the tension in my household is unbearable. I have a 9 year old step daughter, a 2 year old son and I'm currently 5 months pregnant

The issue today was me asking SD to tidy up her things by her bed, I came into the room with the washing to put it away and she had not tidied up, I had a basket of clothes in my hand so kicked her storage box under her bed so I could get past, this caused one of her other storage boxes to fall, my son promptly said "mummy look what you did" I said sorry but if SD had put her things away like she had been asked it would not have happened" SD then picked up the box and went downstairs. 20 mins later I was in the shower and my partner comes storming in shouting saying what have I done to SD, I responded I don't know what your talking about can you not wait till I get out of the shower - he then starts shouting that she is crying and I've kicked her things - I was annoyed by this point and shouted at him to leave me alone until I was out of the shower. When I got out of the shower the argument started. He was screaming at me saying I've made her cry - my response was well why is she crying, did I hurt her, did I shout at her, did I break any of her things? To which he cannot answer he is just saying I need to apologise to her. I bluntly refused to apologise as I don't feel I've done anything to her to warrant an apology, I will admit I kicked a canvas storage box in bare feet so it would go under her bed and I could get past - but I don't see how this can warrant a 9 year old girl crying - furthermore it was a good 20 mins down the line that she is now crying to her dad so my immediate suspicion is attention seeking. My partner then takes her - not our son - out with him for a couple of hours - so she gets the attention she was after when I ask him why he has taken her and not our son too he says so I cannot bully her - this is a ludicrous accusation which I totally refute furthermore I do everything for her - all her nice presents for Christmas I chose, bought and wrapped. I collect her from school, take her to after school activities and generally do all the running around for her whilst he dad is at work - I also work part time 3 days per week.

I am now at the point where I no longer want to do anything for her - I resent the fact I spend all my time running around after her and all she does is act up to her dad for attention and all he does is accuse me of mis treating her. So I am now planning on telling my partner that I am no longer going to do all the running around for her - he will need to do it or make other arrangements - we currently have her every Thursday from after school and drop back to school on Friday, with alternate weeks being a long weekend from Thursday after school to dropping her off to school on Monday morning. And then 50/50 during school holidays. I have always refrained from stepping back from this as I feel it will divide our family - which I don't want - however I feel I no longer have a choice. Any advice welcome.

Blimey. So let me get this right. We have a pregnant woman carrying washing, with a 2 year old in tow. She walks into a room that she had previously asked to be tidied, it has not been. She kicks an item out of the way so that she can get past (bearing in mind that a 5 month pregnant woman falling over is not a good thing) .

20 minutes later, whilst naked and in the shower, the partner comes storming into the bathroom, shouting at her.

What are people missing here?

LostSM the problem here is your partner. Your SD is a 7 year old girl who will act up from time to time. She isn't the problem. Your partner's reaction and his readiness to think badly of you are the issue here.

I think you do not to have a frank and honest conversation with your partner about family life will be from here on in, especially when the new baby arrives. For example, step back from the present buying and organising. This is something your dh should be doing.

Personally OP I would have dumped the washing on the floor at the door and told her as you were unable to get into her room for the mess, she could put her own washing away. And if my DH had taken exception to that, I would have told him to do it.

I think I would have done the same. He should be the one to clamber over everything instead and I bet that if it was his hands that were full he'd shove the stuff on the floor to one side with his foot as well. It's a normal thing to do.

Sounds like Disney dad needs the talking to. . He is the one dividing the kids.

This is a tough one and I sympathise massively. Similar situations in our household and sometimes the atmosphere is untenable. It's all emotions everywhere and a husband with loyalties to daughters and loyalties to wives and new babies. I don't know what the answer is but you aren't alone by any stretch. Good luck xxx

Maybe see it from a child's perspective - you kicked something that belonged to her, causing something else that belonged to her to fall. How,do you think you would feel if someone had kicked something of yours out of the way? And then something else had fallen as a result? It's pretty disrespectful of her belongings and sends an unpleasant message. Even if she had been badly behaved and she was accepting of that, it's still a pretty mean thing to have done

Seriously? There's a really simple answer to that, if OPs DSD had done as she'd been asked and put it away, none of it would have happened.
You seriously expect an adult to put down a basket, tidy up after a kid who has left stuff lying at their arse despite being asked to put it away, and then apologise? Pfffft.

To be honest I feel things started to deteriorate when my son came along (2.5 years)

But still a good idea to get pregnant again?

It could have been an unplanned pregnancy Poole.

The kicking the box and tidying up is not really the issue here. If she had gone to her father crying and he had handled it sensibly, not shouting at OP in the shower and accusing her of bullying DSD, then there would not be a problem.

You need to talk to your DH. Explain calmly how he is being manipulated, and the impact it is having on you all. You need to stand united. The consequence of him leaping to DSD defence all the time will be a unhappy household for everyone including DSD.

My DSS used to do this. He would turn on the tears and run to DH. DH used to try and comfort him but would never 'attack' me for it. DSS got to realise that he could not cause problems for us as we knew and trusted each other.

Seriously? Well....yes. If my children had clearly not done something they should have done then yes, I would have put down my basket and told them in no certain terms that the behaviour wasn't acceptable. Depending on age, I would have had a 'what might the consequences have been' conversation including the dangers of falling whilst pregnant. I would have accepted responsibility for not checking their work (if I had sent them up 3 hours previous but hadn't popped my head in to see how it was going, for example) and I would have given a new, very imminent deadline for the work to be completed. I would also have given a punishment such as the removal of Xbox time 'cos that hits 'em where it really hurts. I would have made sure they put away their own washing. In the step situation I would have called dad at the end and calmly explained what had/hadn't happened and what consequences I had put in place.

But above all, I wouldn't expect any adult to kick my stuff so why would I do it to a child? That action created a discontent in the child she was able to manipulate her father with so the whole thing got out of control. Dad went way over the top but you know, if you're in a glass house yourself, the stone throwing needs keeping to a minimum.

I think you're confusing kicking it out of the way because her hands were full with deliberately kicking it as an act of aggression. The two things are not the same, polar opposites in fact.
As for the long winded way of approaching things, punishments and whatever else, I'm a bit
If they do as they're told there's no need for checking up, monitoring, a big conversation about consequences and then punishment. Which is way harsher than kicking a box out of the road btw.

Kicking or pushing with foot are complete red herrings here and irrelevant.

The issue is why OPs DH thought it acceptable to shout at his DW while she was in the shower , having not even asked her what had gone on. It smacks of someone prepared to take their child's 'side' against their partner at all times without bothering with dw point of view.
Ultimate Disney dad behaviour. Complete refusal to even entertain the possibility that child could be at fault in any way.

Why on earth are you doing all the stuff for dsd OP ? He should be doing Dsd washing. If he was doing the things required of him as a parent to his child then none of this would happen.

I have been where you are. Thought being helpful and kind to Dsc would make my DH happy. Did the school pick ups /uniform buys/washing and ironing . It became expected and I was 'picking on' dsc when I asked they tidy their rooms. (Something I asked of my own dcs). I stopped. (Increased my work hours so was 'unavailable') . He had become so expectant that 'the woman deals with all the childcare stuff' that it all came as a rather large wake up call to how much I actually did.

When the consequences of Disney parenting came to affect the level of domestic work he then had to do, it had a rather better effect on his ability to tell his dcs to tidy their rooms and generally pick their game up. Remarkably, having a few boundaries enforced had an astoundingly positive affect on dsc behaviour for the better.

Step back OP. Let dsc's parents do the drudge. Turn yourself from 'wicked stepmother' to 'good fairy' by only getting involved in the fun stuff. !

I too have kicked randomn toys out of my path especially when going thriugh my dd room. It is hardly crime of the century. Your dp should not be reacting to your sd tears on this one other than to be telling her to not overreact and instead tidy up her toys. Be careful though not to overreact yourself. Your dp is at fault here. She is jyst a child acting up.

As usual, total over reacting on the step parenting board.

If this was the op's own DD this wouldn't have even been an issue. No doubt her dp would have told the DD to just tidy her bloody room and then mum wouldn't have to shift stuff with her feet because a) she's pregnant and b) she's got her hands full.

But no. It's turned into a huge drama because the op is a bully, the op 'clearly doesn't like the child', the child is 'obviously picking up on how much the op hates her' blah blah blah.

I've got major back issues. I spend my life kicking stuff out of the way. Then I generally have a rant to my dp and DD's about stuff lying on the fucking floor being a trip hazard which could end up with me in hospital. DD2 in particular likes to scatter cat toys everywhere - because cat nip balls are fabulous to step on.

If DSD was here and I did that it would cause so many problems but it shouldn't! If I need to get clean washing into a room then I tell my girls they have to have their rooms tidy. I'm doing them a favour, I shouldn't have to negotiate my way over a load of stuff.

Teen now gets hers in a pile on the stairs as I refuse to enter her room. I suggest you do the same with DSD.

DD2's room is immaculate and therefore I'm still quite happy to put her washing away. Because I don't break my neck trying to get to the wardrobe.

Your dh is being a complete disney dad and is teaching his DD that she is the entire centre of the universe and no one should ever, ever ask her to do anything she doesn't want to do. And if she does, she should cry a lot. And daddy will fix it. Fucking dick.

Gawd, I don't envy you!
Yes she's only 9, yes she's pissed off because she suddenly was not an only child anymore, yes her DF will feel protective of her, yes things were easier between you before your first baby was born, yes she's a lazy 9 year old who doesn't want to tidy her room, (aren't they all), yes she's playing to her DF's sympathies, yes you're at the end of your tether, yes, you are hormonal...and yes you have become resentful of her!
All of that means, you and your DP need to sit down calmly and respectfully of each, and discuss how to fix this. It's not a matter of just stepping out of her life, that would be nigh on impossible, and would cause an even bigger family rift. But if you love each other, a) he must see that you are not the wicked witch in this, and b) you must accept she is a 9 year old whose life has been turned on its head through no fault of her own! Go from there, lay agreed ground rules, that you will both support, and try to be kind to each other, to your child and to his.
Otherwise, it will end in tears anyway, as there's no way you can all continue as you are! Good luck with this, and the birth of your new baby!

Wow your partner sounds like he is not on your side at all to accuse you of bullying her is awful. If that's what he really thinks that you are a bully to children then he should leave and if he knows that you are not a bully but said it anyway I would be seriously considering leaving him (I know it's not that simple in your situation but I don't think I could be in a relationship with someone who felt that I was a bully to his child)

mycatspirate - like yourstraight talking!

OP - you did NOTHING wrong.yourDP could have brought things up with you quietly and alone.

I stepped back massively from my SDs and it's helped me hugely. I still do lots for them but leave all their washing in a folded pile in their room for their dad to sort. I also don't plan lots of lovely things for them anymore... a shame as it means they both miss out however after elder SD ruining everything I used to do I just decided not to do it.

Sometimes despite your best intentions you have to do what you need to for your own mental health. Focus on your 2 when SD is around and let her have lots of 1 on 1 time with her dad.

It's also wholly unacceptable for him to undermine you in front of the kids.... you did NOTHING wrong

I feel sorry for you op I know how hard it is, and how protective we are over our own children, and our partners with theres. I've numerous occasions were one of my dsd has been horrible to my dd my dp hasn't done anything about it and then eventually I deal with it myself but dp has not backed me up believes his dd can do nothing wrong. I had to prove it a few times. Now I just put up and shut up, your dp should of discussed it with you before he did anything else

Howtodowills I do the same now, totally backed off!