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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Feel taken for granted by DPs ExW

44 replies

Snowflake2016 · 22/12/2016 21:59

NC so I don't out myself.

Feeling annoyed with DPs ExW.

DP works shift, he has the kids as much as his shifts allow, normally 2-3 nights a week. ExW is the RP due to the shift work.

ExW has said she wants to drop the kids to us at 7am on Christmas Eve and New Years Day as she has agreed to work. I'm more than happy to have the kids, I'm looking forward to doing Christmas things with them and generally love spending time with them.

What I'm annoyed about is DP said she couldn't bring them round that early as he is working till 4am so will need a few more hours sleep. We normally do a lunchtime handover after DP does a night shift and ExW is fully aware of his shift pattern.
ExW response was 'snowflake will be there, she can look after them while you sleep'
I do help DP out by looking after the kids if he has to go to work early at the weekend before ExW picks them up, but this is never expected by DP, I offer so that the kids don't have to get up super early.
Is it just me who thinks this is cheeky? If she had asked if I would do it, that wouldn't bother me it's the expectation that I will do it.
Now I feel I can't go out on New Years Eve as I'll have to be up to be with the kids, or DP will have to get up and he won't get chance to have another sleep before going back to work again New Year's Day evening.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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needsahalo · 23/12/2016 14:49

But my DP has a set shift pattern that doesn't change but runs over 10 days so is different week to week

That is still difficult to work around from a variety of perspectives: childcare, personal (attending a regular hobby, for example), and professional (what if she needs to change her own shifts? Needs to earn more?).

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 23/12/2016 14:58

But she thinks that because I'm at home, it's fine to drop them with me without asking if that's ok with me.

She trusts you. She sees you as part of the kids' family. I think you need to see this as a good thing.

satinthedark · 23/12/2016 16:01

OP really not having a go at you but...

EXW has variable shifts that fit around DPs working.
She still has her life dictated on a daily basis by her Ex. That is a huge compromise and she must do that for the good of their DCs. That is not manipulation it is an acceptance of the greater good for the children and probably cost related aswell.

That is digressing from your original post!

SomethingLikeFlying · 23/12/2016 16:01

Isn't it just basic courtesy to check though, whether she trusts the op or not?

Bluntness100 · 23/12/2016 16:08

Another drip feed thread with the drip feed an attempt at justifying the annoyance being felt.

No one here knows what Manipulation you're talking about, and it seems you're really annoyed about New Year's Eve and not going out. I suspect if this was a normal day you'd be much less annoyed,

She has to work, he has to take the kids, she's probably pissed at him for being difficult because he said no he wants to sleep, if you don't want to take them and want to go out and have a lie in then say so. Tell him to get up and look after his kids.

NewNNfor2017 · 23/12/2016 16:14

Tell him to get up and look after his kids.

Just like their mother could do - rather than assuming the OP is happy to have parenting responsibilities delegated to her by someone towards whom she has no obligation.

Of course it easier for the mother to delegate to the OP rather than expect her ex to take equal responsibility - after all, women are supposed to be caregivers, and society judges them much more harshly than a man who doesn't step up, doesn't it?

NewNNfor2017 · 23/12/2016 16:16

And why the hell shouldn't the OP be annoyed about her NYE plans? Her DSC are not her responsibility.

Bluntness100 · 23/12/2016 16:18

Yes the mother could, my point is so could she. He's the one that needs to step up.

However I'm not sure what the point of the society comment is, this isn't a feminist issue, she needs to drop them off earlier due to work commitments. They both have responsibility. As in both parents. If the ex wife failed to make him step up, or handled him badly, then that doesn't justify the op not doing so either and changing her plans and blaming the ex. Tell him no. End of.

NewNNfor2017 · 23/12/2016 16:28

However I'm not sure what the point of the society comment is, this isn't a feminist issue,

Oh, it is.

Step parenting is rife with sexual inequality and stepmums are frequently expected to "suck it up buttercup". I've even seen a step mum told that she's unreasonable to consider her own bio child her 'first' child!

Imagine if a STEPDAD had posted that he was being expected by the DCs father to change his plans in order to care for his DSC because neither parent could. Would the STEPDAD be told they WBU for resenting the assumption and expecting to be consulted?

NewNNfor2017 · 23/12/2016 16:34

If the ex wife failed to make him step up, or handled him badly, then that doesn't justify the op not doing so either and changing her plans and blaming the ex. Tell him no. End of

Id agree, if he had asked The OP if she'd be willing to do so, as a solution to the problem he shared with his ex.

But he didn't.

It was the DCs mum assumed that the OP would do it. She was assuming the OP would be the solution - even though the OP has no reason to be kindly disposed towards her at all.

That's all on the ex, not on the OPs DP - hence why the OP is pissed with the exW.

DeepAndCrispAndEvenTheWind · 23/12/2016 16:40

But the context was a text exchange between the ex and the DP. If the ex had suddenly texted OP to ask her, that would have been weird.

Agree that a "can you ask snowflake if she can do it" phrasing would have been better but texts are often made up of brief phrases.

There's obviously more background than this though!

NewNNfor2017 · 23/12/2016 16:50

Her words were, 'you can sleep, snowflake can look after them'

Yeah - says a lot about the exWs perception of the OP, doesn't it?
Not "you'll have to get up cos I need to work" to her DCs other parent but an immediate assumption that the OP, who she doesn't even know will be there, can plug the gap.

I'm not surprised the OPs pissed of with the ex - it displays exactly how much she is taken for granted by a woman who should recognise the value of any involvement the OP chooses to have.

MarjorieSimpson · 23/12/2016 17:01

I agree that it is a feminist issue.

Yes it's great that she trusts you.
Yes it sounds logical that you are helping your DH and will make an effort, esp for Christmas.

However, the issue is the fact that it is assumed.

And it's not that much that the ex is taking the OP for granted. Its the fact that, as a society, that's what we expect women to do, to jump and help and look after the dcs etc etc because that's their job. No one even thinks before hand whether said woman is available or not etc... it's just assumed that she will do it.

LadyVampire · 23/12/2016 19:06

Up to mum and dad to arrange looking after their child and you are a bonus. Who was originally supposed to have the kids on this day?

I think if they are approaching a situation where there are clashes with work and it becomes a common thing then they need to arrange childcare.

They shouldn't expect you to do it.

jojo2916 · 24/12/2016 08:50

Satinthedark I do see your point about having to accomodate both ways but as you and pp have said the op should be ok with looking after her step kids in the same way a biological parent would, I agree but it seems on here and in real life if a step parent acts this way they get flamed (on here and often in RLife) and reminded that they are not their children and should butt out of many arrangements so I can see why lots of the step parents on here say they can't win

LucyLugosi · 29/12/2016 18:33

Honestly I feel really happy whenever my DSC's mum says 'could Lucy have them/collect them/take them' etc as it means she sees me as a valuable co-parent and wants me around her children.
But the difference is that she asks!

swingofthings · 30/12/2016 20:23

What a lot of fuss over nothing. If her words had been 'maybe your wonderful partner who I'm so grateful you've picked wouldn't mind looking after them for a few hours? I'll make sure to bring them with activities and entertainment so that they disturb her as little as possible', would you still have been annoyed that she assumed you could look after them?

Sometimes you have to get over how things are said. I expect they are only civil with each other rather than friendly so things are said harshly. It's not a reflection on you. In the end, all that matter is whether you are happy to look after them or not. It's about you and the kids, not you and her.

timeisnotaline · 30/12/2016 20:33

It sounds like arrangements are based on your dps working hours so she has them most of the time. Without more information, in her position I'd feel like occasionally your dp could bloody well facilitate my working hours for a change. Her response may be an attempt at sounding reasonable instead if just saying all this and ending with 'I'm working, they are your kids too, not my problem if it interferes with your sleep work pattern this one time' do not about you at all. obviously I could be completely wrong but without more context this sounds quite plausible to me.

mamatiger83 · 30/12/2016 21:11

I would not dream of assuming my exh wife would take on responsibility of my dc. That's not to say I don't appreciate her role in my children's lives but childcare arrangements are between me and exh.
This is just my opinion though and every family has a different view on what is acceptable behaviour.

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