Stressing about that chat.

[craigd]

Sorry if guys aren't allowed. But I'm a guy. I have 2 kids with my partner. Only 1 is biologically my child. The daughter that isn't biologically mine is 4 and a half years old . I have played the father role in her life from when she was 7 months old. Her dad wanted nothing to do with her. We have took him off the birth certificate and changed her surname to mine. I have been told many different ages to tell her I am not her real dad someone told me to tell her at 5 and someone else at 15. Any help would be very grateful.

I don't think you do.

I think you talk about how much you love her

That's what I do, when that question comes up. Only it's why doesn't our real mother want us and they are 9.

Doesn't get any easier I am afraid. All you can is that you are never going anywhere and that you love them unconditionally

And agree once you have been covered in sick, or yelled at, or cried on, or sat up all night holding a wet cloth on their head, done boring homework, and nibbled the end of a carrot to keep the magic alive you really don't need a PR because you are responsible.

Oh, you're in Scotland?

My child's father has no contact and my child is the same age. My DS understands that he has a birth father that he doesn't see, that it's silly as he is such a lovely little boy, that he was wanted, but that some people are not very good at being mummies or daddies, that all families look very different, and that mummy can do all of the same things for him that a daddy can do.

Obviously your situation is different and you are able to explain to DD that you do all of the daddy things for her and that you chose to love her. There are lots and lots of age appropriate books about to help give these explanations. It's lovely for her that she has you, and that you're thinking so carefully about this

If and when she asks, which might be right away or not for a few years, you say exactly what Penguins said. Don't say anything worse than that about him.
My son grew up having 'always known' and as an adult now has a fairly good relationship with his biological father, though he's quite sceptical about him.

How do you explain to a 4 year old her biological dad doesn't want to be her dad??

You don't yet. You tell her that you love her very much and whilst not her biological dad you are very proud to be her dad in. The older she gets the more chances you will have to have age appropriate conversations. I think the younger they are when they know and the better and more "normal" it seems to them. FWIW my niece has always known her dad is not her biological dad but to her he is the only dad she needs. When her bio dad contacted her at 18 she told him she had a dad who had always been there for her emotionally, financially (he had never paid and never tried to contact previously), who loved her unconditionally and she loved the same. She feels more proud because her non bio dad chose to love her even though he didn't have to.

My friends child learnt in first school as they were doing about DNA and blood. That was not the easiest way to tell a 7 YO.

I'd do it when she's young so it's not a shock and she grows up with it. We told my adopted son at 4 just before he went to school. Just because we know kids are very interested in family's and it would come up plus both me and DH have dark hair and eyes and very tall and he is blonde blue eyed and tiny! His mum was a drug addict and the dad didn't want him. We said his mum was ill and couldn't look after him she saw us looking sad because we couldn't have a baby so she was very nice and gave him to us. For his dad we said he couldn't look after him and wanted him to have the best life. He was happy with this we told him in the morning the first day of a week long holiday showed him loads of pictures of him as baby we got him at 2 months. Then took him out for a special treat. The next day he did ask us when his real mum would get better we said not for a long time and and he seems to of left it at that our relation ship is more open and he tells us everything!! Tell them young other wise they'll think there whole life is a lie.

Tell her now. Then it will never be a big deal.

Don't say "I'm not your real dad or I'm not your dad

Say something along the lines of I'm not the one that made you with mummy but I am your dad now as I love you and will always look after you"

This is the best advice on here ^

I am completely confused by this statement. :We have took him off the birth certificate .

You are absolutely prohibited from removing a biological father from a birth certificate . It is a fact that cannot be altered. He may not act as a father, or be known in anyway as a father to your daughter, however this does not remove the absolute fact** that this sperm donor is the girls father.

From Scotland GRO website.

The father's name cannot be removed from a child's birth entry if he is the biological father of the child. A father's name can only be removed from a child's birth entry if it has been established in court that he is not the biological father of the child.

This, is NOT the case as stated in your OP as you seem to acknowledge that the declared father IS the biological father and that it is his lack of contact that has absented him from the parental role.

Based on what you have written, your SD birth certificate has been altered illegally. It should be corrected to show the FACTS or her conception. The other stuff is to do with morality. Tomwhich you definitely have the high ground, but please do not re-write history. We all have a right to know where we came from - good OR bad.

**

DP had planned to tell his girls that he wasn't their bio dad when they were older, I disagreed but supported him because it wasn't my decision to make. Sadly their mum decided to tell them when she briefly got back with their bio dad (hadn't been around for 12 years and just turned up one day) and they were devastated.
To repair the damage done to them, DP has regularly told them that they are his girls, that he loves them, that he's their dad because he chooses to be, not because he has to be.

I met my DH when my DS was just 1 year old. DS has no memory of life before DH came along. However, we used to go on the bus and would pass the area we used to live and I would say things like 'we used to live there before we met Daddy'. I was brought up in a family full of deceit and distrust and was determined my children wouldn't be brought up like that. We would look at photographs of DS as a baby and again I would say that was before we met Daddy.
As my DS got older, he learnt more but always age appropriate.
I strongly belief children should be brought up knowing the truth before it becomes a big deal to tell them.

Oops, 'believe'!