SM - will they always be an outsider?

[Bananasinpyjamas1]

I've really struggled with feeling like the outsider as an SM. I still do.

I was incredibly naive looking back! I moved into what was once the family home. The 3 DSDs were older than my DS, they were teenagers. Quickly and perhaps too late I realized that there was no 'equal playing field'.

I was the outsider, when I raised issues I got extreme defensiveness for daring to question the 'status quo', which was their status quo. DP got a lot of flack from his ExW and daughters from any challenges I made within our own home. It reminded me of the psychology of the 'out group' - it makes an 'in group' feel more bonded - so I stumbled into actually making DP, his daughters and ExW feel more like a family simply because I was different and questioned their normal.

Reading these boards, it seems that a lot of happier step families are the ones who

• move into a new house, neutral territory.
• where the Ex has moved on with a new partner.
• where the kids are young enough to be flexible.
• where the Dad isn't being guilt tripped.
• where the SM takes time to allow kids to adjust, but also does asset some authority in a fair way to all.
• where step parent and parent forge a new 'team' - rather than splinter apart pulled by children or Exes.

I'm just trying to learn from my experience I suppose!

Franincisco you make a valid point about compartmentalisation. (Is that a word? . I met DH years after his wife had an affair and their marriage ended. We dated for 4 yrs at long distance then I moved in and a month later, we married. I had high hopes. His 3 kids were good kids and I anticipated a slow but ongoing settling in period where, I would try to be a second mum (they didn't need one) and we just "got on". It didn't happen with his youngest daughter whom I haven't seen for 6 yrs. The other two are fine but the youngest who is now 23, was adamant, she was not having a relationship of any description, with me.

What definitely didn't help was that in order to protect his Ex's feelings (she would have been very upset knowing DH was seeing someone/living with/RE married) no one, not him, his 3 teens nor anyone else was to tell his Ex. It was ludicrous. It must have been dreadful for the kids seeing how we lived 10 minutes away by foot, and was awful for me as I got it into my head that he wanted to keep me a secret; lime he was in some way ashamed of me. Inevitably, his Ex found out.

It's still (11 yrs later) very much his "first family" and "us". I'm not invited to anything much and whilst at first this upset me, I now feel quite relieved that I don't have to be in a room with people who frankly, don't like me. DH doesn't get it that after 6 yrs I prefer to not get involved. Apparently, I can be at certain things or be there when his youngest daughter visits but immNOT to be included in any events/meals out etc. So, I'd sooner just not bother. Again....compartments.

I tried so hard for so long to just be Ok with them, no pressure, not over bearing (I'm naturally a rather shy person) that now, I can't face any of it. I think if DH and his Ex had behaved like adults all those years ago, we wouldn't be in this position now. My Ex husband met my now DH within months of our going out so there's never been any problem with my own son.

Meant to say I would NOT try to be a second Mum!!

I was speaking to someone recently who is in a second marriage and has children from both marriages. She was telling me in a "ooh we are weird" way that her ex husband still comes every christmas morning to see their children open presents (they are teens now) and have breakfast. Her ex ILs still come for christmas dinner and regularly meet up and are close. There is no us and them, they all mix very well and whilst it is probably frowned upon here it seems like it has worked out very well for all concerned. I really admired her (and her husband #2!) for doing things this way.

That might be a wee bit too close, for some! I can happily say that I could sit at a table and be comfortable with my DH, Ex and his partner. There will be no "I'm not going if he/she is there" which is how it works with DH's family.

I'm proud of that.

Yes I appreciate that it might be bit close for most people, but then again why? Just because they have separated/divorced why should there be the distinct divide split between what was once the couple? Obviously there are reasons such as DV etc where this wouldn't be possible, but I do think if people could put differences aside it would make things much easier all around, not just for the children, but the adults too.

Agreed.

We tried the close thing. I arranged meals, days out etc and his ex became really unpleasant, weaponising their child etc. So now these arrangements don't happen. It's a shame as the idea is a good one.

Years ago, my son went in the car with DH, to collect sd from her mums for the evening. DS was 9 (a very immature, Aspergers 9). He leapt out of the car and ran to their door, he wanted to "say hello" (very unusual for him). He was made to get back in the car. No, he couldn't say hello and no he couldn't meet the dog.

As for me, I was not "allowed" to be in the car when the kids were collected from Mums. It'd be too upsetting for his ex wife (the ex wife who's affair ended their marriage). The whole thing was ludicrous.

I tried the semi close thing too!

I am now firmly in the boundaries camp. However I can see it might work if there are good clear lines of separation in the first place, and the next partner is not put in the 'outsiders' category.

I think if either wife/husband has not moved on, then it is not healthy at all.

I would do favours for DPs ExW, be flexible, go to mutual events, be cordial, helpful. DP went there for Xmas dinner. I thought, why not? What's the problem? Can't we all get on!

I'm not sure the actual moment, perhaps it was screaming at me and DP down the phone because she wanted to organise a kids party at OUR house, and we said we'd organise it, as it is OUR house... or countless other moments!

I laugh but actually it is pretty painful, and she totally undermined me with the kids, said that I was nothing to do with them even though I had become by that point the resident parent.

So yes I now visibly get stressed if there is contact between DP and her, as she'll still treat him as a husband and it is upsetting.

lady/eliza totally sympathise.

I think most posters here do seem to have genuinely tried to be reasonable and not shut out the ExW.