MIL vs SS where do I stand?

[Stepmum123]

I have been in my SS's life since he was 14 months old (he's now 3) my DH and I have worked hard to establish routine and rules for SS who falls apart withiut clear boundaries (DH has had SS on his own since day 1 and SS's birth mother isnt in the picture).

Lately my MIL has been visiting a LOT. she has always spoiled SS and being a smart child he has worked out that if things aren't going his way when she's around he just screams like hes being murdered and she will do whatever he wants. Now in her house she is welcome to do whatever she likes, grandparents are there for spoiling however in our house where SS is fully aware of the rules she undermines us and SS now turns from angel to demon the second she turns up.

He makes her carry him everywhere, feed him and help him to the toilet and screams at us if we go near him. We have tried repeatedly to stand firm with our rules but she continues to say oh no don't be so harsh on him hes so upset. He got so angry around her the other day that he punched her in the face. Of course I immediately put him on the naughty chair for his allotted 3 mins explaining that its horrible to hurt people even if you're angry. She knows the rules and went and cuddled him whilst he was still in time out!! SS's behaviour is getting worse and worse and DH has spoken to her 4 times about this but it continues, what do I do? How can I approach this? Where do I stand as I'm not birth mother!

Is it possible to get around the complexities involved in adoptong ds? I know mil says she regards you as his mum but once something is legalised it does make a difference to how prople think and behave. It would give you security too. If you are going to make massive life changes, like reducing work, I think you should have legal PR.

Hi Stepmum 123, Iv'e been thinking about something you said in your opening post, where you mention how she treats him in her own home, the spoiling him etc and her home her rules and you're ok with it.
Personally I feel she should still respect his parents wishes, she can still have fun with him and give him little treats but still stick to the rules.
It's the consistency angle.
We have fun when we have our GC over to stay/take out etc. We still keep to bedtimes, not too many biscuits (gs calls my DH the 'biscuit police) no answering back, we remind him to use kind hands and voice with his little sister if he's a bit over enthusiastic with her at times, he loves to make her laugh and gets a bit carried away. His latest is to drag her around the kitchen inside a play tent, she loves it but it can get rough. Good luck, I'm sure she means well, it is hard seeing them getting told off but it's harder seeing the consequences of no boundaries.