Are your step children part of your family?

[AnneLovesGilbert]

Inspired by another thread on here, and remembering something from the book How to be a Happy Stepmum, do you think of your DSC as part of your family?

DH and I don't have any of our own yet (one on the way) but since we moved in together I think we've all considered ourselves our own version of a family. Getting married made no difference, it was the living together bit that formed the foundation. They have a life and home with Mum and another life and home with Dad and Anne.

Their ages have definitely made things easier, they adapted quickly and we've had a relatively easy ride of it. I'm not naive about it always being this way, but whatever happens, my DSC will still be the first children DH and I had in our family and that means a lot to me.

In the book, she talks about how even if you never see your SC they're your family, they're your spouse's/partner's children and therefore related to you. Whether it's a close, loving relationship, or an absent painful one, you're all still somehow related.

Is she right?

It's funny how things change. I'm not a SM but I had stepsisters and stepbrothers growing up, they lived with us about 50% of the time and we were all family. We were extremely close and I couldn't imagine that changing.

These days we're all over 18 and even though our parents are still together, we're rarely all together at the same time and we don't really keep in touch other than bland Facebook comments and likes. I probably see them once a year and although we'll have a good chat and a laugh, I don't feel like they are my siblings in the same way I do with my blood siblings.

I'm not very family orientated - no kids of my own, not married to dp, don't speak to my parents or brother, sister is a bit remote and self-absorbed, cousins all too far away.

dp recently commented that his family are 'my family' now. I said they are not. Not one of them has added me on facebook (for example), his sister has recently rejoined fb after a break and added his ex-wife but not me, and is asking his ex to go to her 50th birthday party, but not me.

They've been split about 9 years and we've been together 6-7. They don't live nearby so it's not like the ex is her mate or anything.

None of his family have my mobile phone number, they don't contact me separately to him. So, no, I don't see them as family.

dss is with us more than not (even though the ex is the 'resident parent', dss stays here more, nearly all the time really) but I don't see him as my 'family' at all. But then, I don't see dp as my 'family' either.

Yes, 100%. I have one dss who I've raised as my own and he is a grandson to my mum and he is a cousin to all of my nieces and nephews etc etc. We are a very open, warm family in that way. I have a couple of adopted cousins too but they're not treated differently either.

If anything sometimes I get a bit jealous of how close my dss is to my mum

Yes I consider dsd my family. Her dad and I have been together since she was three. We're not married but we are a family. My parents definitely see her as a granddaughter and dote on her (only grandkid). But we are very family orientated. I'm definitely part of his wider family, & get on very well with his mum & sister, and my family love him too.

Yes, I see them as part of my family. However, it's quite clear from their behaviour that they don't see themselves as part of my family.

I blame dp for treating them as special guests. Real family life only goes on at Mums home.

I absolutely resent having to include them in everything when it's clear, they couldn't give a damn about me or ds and actually dp too!

Yes I do also think that a crucial question to the (very valid) one posted, is do your step children / in laws view you as part of their family?

It's a two way process.

I posted at the beginning of the thread.
"I don't, I've been with DH 5 years, his children are 18 and nearly 22. They have nothing to do with me and I only met the eldest this year and had only briefly met the younger a few times previously. It's a sad situation and I wish it were otherwise."

Relating this to the last poster asking how stepchildren view their stepparents.

I can't imagine for 1 second that they view me as part of their family, I don't possibly see how they could given the level of interaction. I'd imagine if I'm referred to at all its as dad's wife, and that my children (not DH's) are dad's wife's children.

I haven't discussed with DH whether he views my children as part of his family, but we live together and my children are with us most of the time, so we interact like a family.

My ExH lives with his partner and her daughter (close in age to my kids) and she refers to ExH as "daddy-first name", she rarely sees her dad. My children refer to her as their sister. They call their step-mum by her first name. They also see step-mum's family through the year and view them all as family.

We see my DH's mum a lot, and his sister and husband a number of times a year, and their children occasionally - but they are adults living independently. I don't think my kids see any of them as their family. I think I feel like they are growing into my extended family. Thinking about it until this year we have probably seen them more without my children.

I'd agree it's a two way street. But without interaction it's difficult to see how there can be any traffic.

I used too. Scs lived with us for 3 years and it was hard work creating a blended happy family. It broke my heart when they chose to go back to with with their mother. Their father was a lazy sod and all the looking after them fell to me. We had them weekends for the next 3 years. But when dp and I split up the visits to see their siblings tapered out. 8 years on we never see them. Unless we bump into them out and about. My children don't remember them. And all the time I spent trying to make a happy family seems wasted. As they didn't appreciate my efforts and my children where to young to remember.

Yes I absolutely see DSC as my family, they're with us twice a week and have been for 15 years, since they were 2 and 4 respectively. They don't come for overnights anymore but we live fairly close and they still bowl up for tea a couple of nights a week and whenever else they want something

We have a younger DD(8) and they're fantastic with her, they're her only siblings and it means the world to me that she has them in her life. My parents have always thought of them as DGC and doted on them when they were little, they're still close now.

I struggle a bit when I mention them to people in conversation, my instinct is to refer to them as 'our' eldest two because that's how I think of them but then people wonder why they don't live with us so I end up having to explain they're DH's eldest and live with their mum In my head they're no less mine than DD is though and I hope that's how I've always treated them.

No I don't. Her mother made it clear from day one that she felt it would be better if there were no relationship between us. For years she never greeted me, refused to eat my food and it didn't matter what I did. When she turned 18, I stopped buying presents and reminding her father to contact her. She's not OK with that despite never buying me or her brothers presents.

She told her father she only wants a relationship with him, the rest of us mean nothing to her. This has hurt her younger brother deeply as he adores her.

It's all utterly fucked up beyond belief. We did one counselling session with his ex and after that the psychologist rang to say he would not see the three of us again as he could see no resolution possible as the ex was so clear she saw no role for me at all and told my DH if he were to leave and never see his daughter again, that would be the best outcome.

Technically they are, but like a previous poster has said, not really emotionally. They stay half the week and when they are here I mentally really struggle. They have had a very different 'chilled' upbringing to my own dd. My oh becomes a complete Disney dad and they become special guests, where he stops everything to give them attention every minute of the waking day. My dd is with us half the week too, but I don't treat her 'special' and I treat them all the same, which my oh says isn't fair on his kids as they are the guests. I am also disrespected in my own home by them and they speak to me like crap - my oh calls them his babies but they aren't babies at all!. I try so hard, but it's difficult.

On the flip side, I was brought up in a 'step' family and in my home it wholly felt like family, yet my stepfamily's family was never accepting of me.

And all the time I spent trying to make a happy family seems wasted. That is sad, I feel like that too, 6 years I was my DSCs main adult/parent and tried very hard too. Even if the parents or DSCs never appreciate it, I do think that we should hold on to the fact that we did give those children a family when they most needed one. Because no one else will!

We gave our step children care, acceptance and stability. That will probably help their sense of worth for the rest of their lives.

I'm hoping so to bananas.

DP and I got together two years ago.
The day we made it official , dps ex stopped contact with the kids
The day after we made it official she went to the police with allegations that DP had raped her ( NFA as police saw right through it )
Since then the ex has stalked me and DP even though she has a new partner . We're in court in the new year as charges for stalking were brought
The whole situation is fucked up and I feel desperately sorry for DP and his children .
It's not looking likely that he will ever get to see them again after what's happened with the ex aswell as finances , we cannot afford solicitors , we're just about scraping by .
I have a DS who is the same age as DPs two kids and there's nothing more id love than to have them all here playing together .
Unfortunately though , their mother believes her feelings are more important than the kids , it's very sad

DM was DDad's second wife. Dad had custody (not sure if that is technically the right word) of his 2 sons, then 1 and 4 when my parents met. DM raised them as her own from the day they met, they lived with us, but DM encouraged and facilitated their maternal contact. They grew up with me (I am 5 years younger, also a DSis 3 years younger than me). We all had the same surname and DM always did, and still does refer to them as "my boys". They are in their 50s now. When their mother died a few years ago, DM went to the funeral, "to support my boys". There was never any differentiation between step children and natural children, the same now with grandchildren.

Not a step mother, but a step Auntie and Step Great Auntie. My dbro has 3 children of whom he is not the biological father, but he IS dad ( legally as he adopted his wife's dc) they are my neices and nephew and I love them, am interested in their lives and enjoy their company. One of my dneices has just become a step mum herself and step great niece is on my Xmas shopping list along with everyone else. I understand that we are in a great position where the exp's have been happy to facilitate ( in dbro's case he had abandoned dsil and was overjoyed to relinquish parental rights) , but to me it just feels normal to treat all children that come in to the family the same.

Yup, always has been. DSS is over every weekend - sometimes for 3-4 night, sometimes just for the day, but he's always round. I've been in his life since 4 y/o and he's 7 now and we've just had his baby brother. He doesn't refer to his brother as a half brother, it's his brother as far as he's concerned.

I worry about them the same amount, I organise things that involve both of them and any family plans on my side always include DSS. He'll always see his Mums as his 'proper home' and that's fine as it's the only home he's ever lived in, but at ours he has everything here should that ever change. Although DP and ex do not see eye to eye, we've always had as much access to DSS as we want - in fact, she's often quite happy to pass him over

I've always made it imperative that DSS knows this is his home too and for it to be a safe place. When I was pregnant we spent time making sure he understood the only thing that changed is that Daddy and me would be a bit occupied with baby but that he was the first born and always would be. He's taken it brilliantly and helps out probably more than DP sometimes