It isn't getting easier, I really don't like being a step parent

[LazySusan11]

Have been with my dh for over 10 yrs, we have shared care of my dsd 50/50. She's now a teen and has a set of keys and can come and go as she pleases.

We live close to her school and she can walk to both our house and her mums from school. Her mum and partner have bought a house a stones throw away from us making us all far to close for my liking.

I don't have much to do with dsd mum, we get along we're amicable. Having read threads on here I know I could have it a lot worse.

The issue for me and it is my issue is that I really don't like being a 'step mum' I hate the phrase I feel it's completely unnecessary as dsd has a mum and I am in no way trying to replicate, undermine or be another parent to dsd. I struggle with the lack of routine since dsd has become a teen and just wandering to ours when she feels like it, usually because she wants a lift to her mums because it's a little further away from her school.

I get on with dsd we have had our moments, she's a child and there's no guide book. I don't have my own dcs so I have nothing to gauge my feelings by.

I just know that I struggle, I feel like my space is invaded without any clear boundaries. Dh and I have talked about how I feel, we're very open and able to talk. I can't put my finger on it it's not my dsd and I certainly would never want her to feel unwelcome.

How can I make this easier, I get really anxious whenever she's coming to ours and after so many years I had hoped I'd be feeling better not worse.

Oh look a new goady 'you knew what you were getting into' poster.

Piss off User, you have no clue and I suspect you are a parent not a step parent and believe me the two are very different.

Thanks for all your replies and support, dh and I have some discussions so we shall see how things progress from here.

I certainly agree with that point Susan ....parenting your own DC is not, and never can be even remotely similar to trying to be a SP!!!
It's a difficult road to travel because, all your natural parenting feelings, objectives and decisions, are tied up and turned upside down because this is not your bio child, and ultimately not your direct responsibility!

I think it's worth remembering that parenting teens at any level is not always easy. They are moving into adult hood but not there yet so there is a constant adjustment.Teenagers live a lot in the now and don't always think about others so that's regular. I get a bit thrown when my dc suddenly turn up from college without notice although l love them to bits. I like to know where l am and who is in or out. What lm trying to say is that stage is difficult even with your own children. So don't beat yourself up and blame it on being a step mum..This stage will pass and you will find yourself with more time alone and together.

The day may come soon when you are biting your tongue not to say " are you not coming home this weekend " as you will have so much alone time and you may miss that noisy chatter. Sounds like ye get on well.

User, I'm afraid you come across as someone who really doesn't understand the step-dynamic. I hope you are not part of a blended family.
The crux of the situation is exactly this: it IS of course DSD's home but it is Susan's home no more and no less than DSD's. To ignore the fact that the family is blended is unrealistic and unhelpful. Sadly, it's true that you will always be the bad guy whatever you say (I speak from experience.) That doesn't mean you should suppress your opinions. I find stating (and re-stating and re-stating) your wishes and suggestions quietly and calmly, however many times, will at least minimise how bad the bad guy comes across as. DH has a duty to listen and consider your feelings on any point. The set-up cannot be 100% as one partner wants it, precisely because it is a step-family. What we all sign up for is a compromise, not 'live with it or leave'. Good luck, Susan. My sympathies. Keep your cool.

If the DC in question were your own, you wouldnt have a problem with her coming and going I actually really disagree with this as a mom of 17 YO DS and step mom of 16 YO DSD I accept that they will be in and out but actually they are expected to give respect and consideration. DSD is expected to let us know if she is coming round as we either may be out or if she wants feeding. DS is equally expected to message me and let me know if he won't be in when I get in from work or if he is going to be back for tea etc.

Equally if they are at ours then I will pop up to their rooms and let them know if I am going out shopping or something. It isn't even asking permission it is about having consideration. I am sure DSD would be proper pissed off with me if she was coming for the weekend and we all just buggered off and didn't let her know so she could make her own plans so we ask for the same back.

I like to know when my step-kids are coming because I feel like I have to prepare myself somehow, mentally get myself ready. I know that's ridiculous and unreasonable etc etc, but that's how I feel.

I would find it very stressful around school hometime to be at home wondering if I will hear the key in the door or not. I would find that hard.

And it is different when it's so random. You expect a child who lives in your home every day, or set days, to come home on those days, and you are ready for them coming home, you have thought about what, or how much, to cook for tea, whether to have a snack waiting for them when they get in, whatever. When it's someone who is coming and going as they please and you don't know whether or not to expect them, that is stressful.

I find it stressful when dh doesn't text me to say he's on the bus home, then he just arrives at the door and his tea isn't ready.

If you don't want to go on the holiday just tell your DH. He can tell his DD that he's decided he wants to spend the time with just her.

All couples need a break without their kids.

The issue of coming and going is tricky, because I suspect your DH wants it to feel like home to her, minimising the impact of everything. If she's now told to call before coming and stick to set days, it could cause a feeling of rejection, however, you may have to go down this route and have her only come on the 3 or 4 set days.

If it's explained that it helps with planning meals/your social life and the time you spend with her. For example ... you or your DH might see a show that's on a Tuesday and know that she was coming over, so it's a good day to do it.

I like to know when my step-kids are coming because I feel like I have to prepare myself somehow, mentally get myself ready. Absolutely. I feel like this too, and it's not unreasonable or awful. Just the person you are.

I would not want my own DC to be going to and fro between me and my Exes house, oh no crikey I can see all the structure I've built up over the years with my lovely, but quite shall we say complicated kids, collapsing overnight with such an arrangment!

OP - I re read your first post and I too am in a position with ExW lives around the corner. Contrary to the idyllic notion that this would be best for everyone, I've found it has been really not great for the kids and for any new relationship with their mother and also mine and DPs. It's just such a half way house between parents separating and being together, confusing, lines and boundaries being crossed all the time! Nightmare.

I'm surprised no one has said that as she is D Hs DD then she should be spending time with him- that is usually a MN comment.
Is DH always there or are you doing most of the attention giving? It's nice that she feels at ease with you but are her parents copping out of spending time with her?

I don't have SDCs but I did know what my DCs were doing and when they would be home, random comings and goings would be a pita- and not put up with.
Ime having to keep up a front causes anxiety, it's very stressful. As does not being in control. So this set up is doubly demanding of you.
I don't know what DH was thinking of , changing the holiday plans, very underhand,
And presumably you help keep the house and contribute financially to it so DSD not keeping you in the loop as regards her arrivals is a huge piss take which is your DHs fault but also highly disrespectful. She is old enough to know better.

Some counselling to allow you to sort out your feelings (and let off steam) would help I'm sure. But The problems seem likely to be a result of DHs continuing Disney Dad behaviour. Some strong words are needed to shake him out of this.

I agree MissMargie - it is setting you up to fail and setting up the whole step family situation to fail. I have completely lost respect and a relationship with one DSD because of just this situation - her mother is unhappy because she is chaotic - her Dad gets guilt tripped - all because of a few very basic boundaries and recognition of the SM role that would have helped everyone.

Whoops I usually enjoy your posts User but you got this one badly wrong though OP did respond rather rudely even if what she said was probably right. Most mothers and SMs know there is a world of difference between the two and so comments like User's don't go down well. You are telling the OP that what she is feeling is completely wrong FGS - you can't get into the "rights" and "wrongs" of feelings - feelings are exactly that - what we FEEL or maybe think in terms of emotions might be better but it means the same.

I have a SD (long gone, married - lives miles away) thank god because I just never liked her - there I've said it. YES I felt guilty, and it caused masses of conflict between me and her dad. She didn't live with us but spent a lot of time at ours but I just could not feel any fondness for her - I tried and thought I'd pulled it off but only years later in talking to my own grown up kids did I learn that they were all aware of the tension caused by my SD (not her per se) but the conflict it caused in the household. She was a nice kid but an incredibly sulky teenager (and yes I know that's par for the course) had 3 of my own kids who displayed various unpleasant behaviours in their teens but I loved them, and I didn't love her. God that is SO liberating to write that.

Step parenting is NOT natural. Animals don't do it - in fact the lion will often kill the young of the lioness who he wants to mate to preserve his gene pool. I didn't go that far ...........................Please don't come on to tell me I'm an unfeeling bitch and how sorry you feel for my SD - she's done OK and here's the wierd thing, I love my step grand children!

It's your home too. No reason why you shouldn't be aware of when she is coming. I don't appreciate people arriving without notice. Just give me 10 minutes to get my sociable face on!

Why couldn't he just have said the 2 of them would go away?!
Because if he did, you would have felt excluded. It is not easy to be the one in between trying to please everyone either because if you try to do things with the individuals separately, there can be feelings of being excluded. If you arrange things all together, there is resentment that there no one-to one time either.

I'm the mum and I try to please everyone all the time, but don't always get it right. My OH hasn't embraced the whole family concept, so to make our family work, I have to divide myself and be both a good mum and a good wife separately, and in addition to working FT, sometimes it is really exhausting.

Still, the way it works is by arranging time with OH only, time with the kids only (and even then I have to sometimes divide myself so they get individual one to one attention, even though they get along brilliantly) and at least trying to get the occasional time when we do everything together. We can't leave the kids to easily for long, so OH and I try to arrange week-ends away. For a start, this has become our Christmas presents to each other, so we will always have at least 2, and then we'll try to fit one or two more. Every year, I save hard and I take my kids on a holiday just the three of us and we normally do something that OH isn't interested in. Then until now, we've always had one holiday all together in the summer. I also try to arrange at least taking only one kid to a particular event once or twice a year. OH goes on one or two boys holiday a year too.

All this doesn't come cheap, but to us it's a priority, so we save all year long, giving up on other things to be able to afford it and it works.

In terms of space, we knew when we moved in together that this could become an issue so we extended the house. This means that both OH and I have our own office, somewhere we can retreat quietly. The kids have long learned to keep reasonably quiet.

Your OH needs to appreciate that you don't see your unit as a normal family. It might hurt his feeling as ultimately it's probably what he would hope for, but it is what it is and he should be grateful that you at least appreciate and respect his daughter and he should try to do as I do by accepting that he needs to give the people he loves the most individual love and attention.

i've nothing but admiration for people who take on a partner's kids.
its very hard work with no thanks from anyone.
i could not do it.
sorry - not helpful.

Is Disney Dad really because the DF feels guilt and overcompensates or he feels DC is likely to choose DMs home over. Or is it because disciplining DCs is hard work and it's easier to hand over the sweets or ice cream than deal with the ensuing tantrum.
Here it's prob easier to let DD do as she pleases and ignore OPs feelings.

Wow Magic that was an honest statement, and I m glad you felt liberated saying it!!
I have SC whom, I can't really say I love..I don't hate them, but it's certainly not love! But, as they (and my DC) were all grown when DH and I met, it's not really been a problem....well other than the fact, one of them seems to think her DF's wallet, is her personal checking account!
And as for anyone chucking in the old you knew what you were getting into chestnut....well, unless the OP had a chrystal ball, no she didn't, nobody ever does really!

What you've got there is the animal reaction to another female around your male. It wasn't so bad when she was a child but she's older now.

Of course, you don't think he and she are going to pair off but your instinct, way deeper than rational thought, tells you to see her off.

Think about that and if it seems likely to be the case, acknowledge it. It will help you to cope with your feelings. You like the girl, you've brought her up, a lot of birth mothers get the kind of feelings you're having, too. Its part and parcel of growing your own people.

Tbh I wouldn't make any major decisions over an issue that is so transient. This phase (teens) can seem endless at the time but actually doesn't last long.
In no time she'll be a young adult with her own life and it'seems unlikely she'll be wanting to spend it popping in to see her Dad numerous times a week.

I'm surprised she feels the need to pop in so much- my teen DCs priorities were friends, boy/girlfriends, hobbies/sports, school with DPs well down the line, nor did they want to accompany us on hols unless somewhere exotic/expensive.

I would hate this too, but he is her dad and she should be able to see him when she wants.. it's really tough. I would just be hoping that she starts getting her own life in the next few years.

Boundaries are good, I don't know people are afraid of them. They minimize conflict and confusion. The girl can be part of deciding those boundaries, but they need to be there.

We have them anyway, unsaid, you wouldn't just turn up at night, at her dads work for example. It's just a sensible extension to these, so that SM can be mentally prepared, so that homework doesn't get avoided, so that her Dad is actually there.

Thanks for the replies, I've explained to DH that the holiday he promised her will be just the 2 of them. Dsd doesn't necessarily want to see dh she wants a lift or something from us.

I don't enjoy the dynamic of our family, dh has no boundaries but I do so dsd will talk in code such as 'daddy can we get that thing tomorrow' dh knows exactly what she's talking about and dsd knows that I might not approve. It's his daughter and at end of the day if he's happy to allow to her rely on everyone else and not give her any tools to becoming an independent young woman then that's on him.

I asked her to hoover her bedroom the other day, came back upstairs after 20 minutes and she was still on her bed on her phone. She said she couldn't remember what I'd asked her to do. I didn't say anything just left the room and turned off the wifi. Funnily enough with 30 seconds she'd remembered and fetched the hoover.

She does absolutely nothing around the house leaves plates, bowls, rubbish wherever she likes. Wet towels on the floor, never tidies up after herself it is so frustrating to seemingly be the only one who sees this stuff!

My DSCs never used a hoover! I think you are doing pretty well in a way for your DSD to accept you asking for her to hoover. At least you are acknowledged on some level. Perhaps it doesn't feel like much but that's good.

My DSCs would have glared at me for weeks for asking them to do similar and told their Dad how awful I was being.