Selfish Step Children

[Clariana]

Hello,

I suppose I am looking for some opinions and advice please. Some background first. My husband was previously married and has four children with his ex-wife. They are mid twenties to mid thirties, his ex-wife cheated on him and he left, then we got together 2 years after that and seventeen years ago. My husband and I have 2 children, the older one was 15 yesterday and has Aspergers, and the younger one is 12.

So, enough of the background. Yesterday was my older son's birthday and he received nothing from any of them, no cards, no messages, nothing. This was not unusual, neither he nor my other son have ever received much, sometimes they get a card from one older sister, but that is all. But he has virtually no friends, due to the Aspergers, and yesterday I had to listen to him, on his birthday, tell me how lonely he is.

Obviously, this is heart-breaking, and all I can think about is all the presents I have bought them, the family holidays I have organised and paid for that they have been on, and the money that I have given to these step-children. Incidentally, I have never received anything from any of them over the 17 years, but I am not concerned for myself.

So, I have decided I am done and I will no longer have any contact with them, my husband of course can do whatever he choses, but I suspect he will chose to support me, and this is what worries me. Am I being too harsh, or am I justified? Incidentally, there have been gentle conversations when their thoughtlessness has been pointed out, which is why I can only assume they are just plain selfish.

Any thoughts would be appreciated.

Thank you everyone. My son is feeling better today, I think we have managed to get him through it. I did have an idea though, I think next time I will just buy cards and pretend they are from the older half siblings. Maybe that is the best solution!

stop contributing to their gifts, get DH to only sign cards from him, refuse to let them come on family hols, in fact go NC full stop. they sound awful, selfish and probably assume that they are your DH's "real" family...you and yours don't count....it also sounds like they only want to be part of the family if and when it suits.
as for pretending that the cards are from selfish siblings, i think that's a dangerous route to go down. if DS finds out that you have been doing this and essentially lying to him (even if it is to save his hurt feelings) he may be confused, upset and possibly resentful of you.

If their only contact with you is for money....just stop giving it!

My son is 16 tomorrow. He has Aspergers and OCD. He is very isolated and quite poorly, at the moment.

He has 3 step siblings (27,26,22). The eldest sd always sends a card, a gift and usually calls or texts on the day, lovely. The middle one will send a text; that's just what he's always done, which is fine. The youngest sd will not text, send a card or gift. That's for birthdays/Christmas, whatever. Every year, much love and thought and excitement went into her birthday gifts and parties; lots of fuss on the day etc. Even when she lived here, she'd "forget" to write the card we'd got for her to give to DS and not even offer a "Happy Birthday". She resented him (met DS when he was 5) and resented the obvious affection her dad had for me (and by extension, my DS). I now have nothing to do with her and it's good.

Step back OP. Remove yourself from the pain. Seriously, they're not nice people.

I'm so sorry you and your son are going through this.
I'd like to think that as adults they'd appreciate that things are hard for their half brother and spare him a thought on his birthday.
Maybe if your DH gently spoke to them and told them what a difference it would make, they'd feel terrible for their omission?
Maybe not, and if so then they sound like very thoughtless adults.
But it could be worth a try...