Ss completely blanks his brother and sister.

[BingbastardBunny]

The title says it all really.
Ss (15) does not engage with ds (3) at all. When ds talks to him or greets him when he enters a room he just ignores him and looks away.
It is now beginning to upset ds as he looks up to his brother. I don't know what to do. Should I say something or ignore the ignoring?

Just one thought, are you making sure that 3yo is not always in the way? My children adore their little sister, but at one point, their dad and SM expected them to entertain the child a bit too much. The child would go in their bedroom in the morning, wake them up at 6am wanting them to play with her. Parents did nothing about it but saw it as a chance to sleep in. It got to the point when they didn't want to go as often, especially when DD was studying for her GCSEs and was constantly disturbed. Their sister is a bit older now and more independent.

Not saying that this is what you do, but maybe you could see that your DS is not pestering too much. The comment that he is not even his sibling is concerning though and makes me wonder whether there are not more seeded issues. Could it be that DH use to spend more time with him, but now says he can't do specific activities/take him to football practice or anything else because of the babies?

Honestly I think the 15 year old might feel like a weekend guest and not know how to relate to small children because he has never had to before as well as not feeling at home.
In a way he needs a bit of a kick up the arse. Try to involve him more and make sure he feels like one of the family.

Goady what the actual?? Why does it have to be about being the ow?? You post is utterly unhelpful.

Op you subsequent posts explain a lot more and alter my advice. Please before you talk to your Dss maybe take a huge step back and look at your own ds's behaviour around him. Is your ds picking difficult times to try and play? I.e. When Dss is trying to do something specific or tired? How are you handling it when ds is being an irritant to Dss? And also look honestly at how ds was introduced to Dss, is there a chance he has felt pushed out or sidelined however unintentionally?

My dsd is 11 and dss is 13 and as much as they adore their sister and have been fully involved since day 1 - as in first people we told after our parents, involved in name choosing, met her the day they came back off holiday, fed her from that first visit, dsd has changed nappies, Dss has helped bath her etc - they still find her a royal pita at times. Rather than tell them off for pushing her away or ignoring her I find talking to dd has a bigger effect on them. So if they are pushing her away I will tell her to leave them alone they are doing X and I am sure when they are done they will do Y with you. She soon forgets what it was she wanted them to do and leaves them alone but they see me protecting them instead of defending her and attacking them.

I hope that makes sense?!

No not acceptable at all. My 16yo doesn't have to much to do with dd2 or ds1 , as like most teenagers he doesn't really have much times for toddlers. But he always says hey to them when he walks in a room , tousles their hair etc. I would ask him what his problem is.

I don't think it is normal for a 15 year old. I'd say there is something going on for him with regard to adapting to new siblings, his home situation at yours or his relationship with you or his Dad. And the best way to get to the bottom of it is to talk to him and see what's up.

I get what people mean about the were you the OW question, but it is helpful to have background about how people got together, what changes there might have been for the children, etc. It is relevant because affairs bring up strong reactions and emotions and by going back a bit outsiders can give a more informed opinion. So it's not necessarily a judgement, it just adds to the picture in the same way any bit of background helps.

He may not be willing to open up, it's hard for teens. But if you or his Dad don't chat to him about it you won't know, and at least he will know you/his Dad have noticed and care enough to try and resolve things.

Ds is not under his brother's feet, as an older sibling myself I know how annoying this is.
When SS is on the living room or we are sat having dinner ds will talk to him and smile at him. This is when he is ignoring him. He is not entering Ss's bedroom or invading his personal space he is just trying to socialise with his brother.

Ss' s mother is very negative towards me. This probably has a lot to do with it.

Also, Ss does get time with just him and his Dad. I have known SS since he was 8 and the time he gets with his father has changed. DH and I know the importance of this.

Bing my post wasn't meant as an attack so I apologise if it came over that way. I just know how hard it is to be objective about the irritating toddler when they are yours and you are trying to protect them from an older kid.

His life has changed significantly and tbh I find my 3 yo's endless cable a pita most days and would far rather not have to listen to it. But she is mine so I kinda have to. Your Dss on the other hand is a teenager with absolutely nothing in common with ds other than genes.

I would leave it to your DH to handle. I don't mean to be nasty but you seem more concerned with the impact on ds than the impact of ds on Dss and I suspect you will struggle to remain emotionally detached as would I in the same circumstances. If the relationship is frosty because of his mum then you saying anything will probably escalate it. I know I only have to ask dsd to finish her tea and ww3 breaks out once her mum twists it and all of a sudden I have threatened to never feed her again.

But it is completely normal behaviour. He is 15, sullen and being forced to deal with a baby he has no interest in.

It's too rude to let it slide. A 15 year old is old enough to understand. It's very poor manners to upset a preschooler by ignorantly blanking them all the time.

Where
I did not take it as an attack. In fact, the advice is very welcome.
I think I need to take a step back. I just don't like to see my son upset. DH is going to have a 'heart to heart' with him and try to get to the bottom of his feelings.

I agree that's not acceptable behaviour op gd he always been like this even when he was younger with your DS arrival? Could you think of any triggers which has caused this behaviour? Could he be getting bullied for the current situation. I know my ex was picked on because his dad had a family with someone else and it can cause a lot of resentment at times.

When I think back I don't think he was ever pleased about the arrival of Ds. It is just obvious now because he will have nothing to do with him.
His mother does direct venom at DH and me for having children, but she has 2 children from her last relationship.

I think you just answered your own question about why he is like he is bing

Sounds like he feels like he hasn't been mum's priority and now he isn't yours and by default his dad's either. He clearly has too much respect for you both to say anything so is ignoring ds as a way of dealing with how he feels. A bit of the "of you have nothing nice to say..." maybe?

Is there something Dss is really into? Football/film/music? Could ds buy him something super special relating to that as a "thanks for being a great big brother" - I know it sounds daft rewarding his behaviour but maybe if he can see ds as a benefit then maybe it will help him adjust?

Is he interested in learning to drive at all? If so maybe look at youngdrivers as they do lessons for 11-17 yo and is something my Dss has taken a real interest in. Maybe ds could get him a lesson for Xmas?

What about looking at his responsibilities within the house and earning an allowance? If he would be open to it and you can afford it why not have things like taking ds to the park for an hour as something that can earn him £10? Bribery works wonders in this house !!

I wouldn't ignore it. I'd treat this like you would if DSS was your own. Pull him up about it. Don't wait for DP to do it. And this is also your home, you are also the adult.

Even if he still ignores the younger one, it's important that the 3 year sees a good model from you.

I had similar to my son who was 8 when we combined with older step kids. It didn't change step kids, but my son was secure that I wasn't going to let ongoing meanness go unnoticed in our home. It would have damaged DS to let that be ok.

I should mention his siblings on his mothers side are older and never lived with SS. So, he has his mothers full attention.

It is not just me that is getting fed up with the behaviour MIL has been telling DH to sort it out. I can't bring up it without it causing an argument.
DH does not seem to notice or want to notice.
However, I am tired of my son being upset. I can't sit back and keep quiet.

I'd forget about mum and what she may or may not be saying, you could be barking up the wrong tree. He's expressing something that he isn't happy about at yours, and for things to improve you need to get to the bottom of it. I'd be looking inward as well as outward for the answer.

I agree, you may have answered your own question. You don't enjoy his company and he has struggled with an addition to the household, and now there's another baby. I wonder if he has felt ignored (justifyably or not) by his Dad or by you/both of you?

Don't sit back and keep quiet.

I tried that and in the period let down my son who had to have an older step sibling ignore him and ultimately try to make him feel like he was not welcome.

There may be all sorts of reasons that your SS is feeling like this, and yes if you and his Dad can help him with that, all and good.

But SS is the cause of making another child in the house feel unwanted, unwelcome and totally ignored. This is just not on!

But you cannot and shouldn't be made to feel by your DP that this is to be ignored to the detriment of your youngest. Now is the time to nip it in the bud, as it may only get worse over time. If your DP gets defensive, just tackle it yourself, repeatedly. Don't back down and accept this otherwise you are saying to your younger children that it is OK for older, more powerful siblings to be consistently horrible and mean, and the adults will do nothing about it.

TBH, if he isn't feeling brotherly then you can't force a relationship that he doesn't want.
But you can insist he be as polite to his step-siblings as he would be to anybody else. And that includes smiling and saying hello.

Isn't it more that his actions are causing the op's ds upset? Perhaps that's what you meant Banana. It just jars a bit with me to say he is to blame when he is in a situation that he's not chosen for himself.

So while it is true Bing that your ds is getting upset and that's not on I think it would be wise to look at what actions have or are causing your dss upset too and resolve things for him as well. This definitely needs dealing with for everyone's sake. I hope his Dad is able to talk things through with him and sort it out.

I agree debra that if his own parents can help him with any of the causes of his behaviour, then all well and good. But it doesn't seem like any of that is going to happen. But the immediate priority is to make sure the OPs child isn't constantly on the receipt of being ignored, as that child will feel terrible now and in years to come.

Well the op did say she was going to raise it with them both, and that her dp was going to have a heart to heart, so something is being done about it.

It isn't nice for the 3 year old, I agree, but maybe the dss also feels ignored etc, so if that isn't dealt with he will also be feeling terrible now and will do for years to come and I think it's worth investing in trying to sort out the root cause first.

So at the table during meal time little ds says something to older one and he ignores him. I would just say ... James, Matthew is speaking to you? And look like you expect an answer ? What happens then? That's not causing an argument at all.

Our eldest DS (9) does this with his wee sister (3). Our rule is that he doesn't have to join in her games but he has to at least reply when she says hello or whatever to him. Manners cost nothing, on the other hand I can see that at his age he wouldn't want to actively get involved.