Desperate

[CESCA86]

Desperate for advice
MIDNIGHT VENT
I'm sorry ladies and gents but I need to vent and unfortunately I don't feel like I can talk to any one.
I've been a step parent for two years, we have my Bf son every other weekend and for about 6 weeks spread out through the school year.
He lives with his birth mother about a 2 hour drive away wich my bf or I do every journey as the birth mother is unwilling to do the drive.
in the past few days my step child has got impetigo and has been given antibiotics cream as he has it in several patches over his body.
He's been off of school and is allowed back tomorrow as he has been in "quarantine".
Now me and my bf have an 8 week baby who's yet to have any injections and due to me being very ill during birth and since the baby has got oral thrush due to me breast feeding and being on lots of medication. So she is on antibiotics for that, that's has been for 3 weeks as her body's not fighting it effectively. It's our weekend to have his son and I have asked if we can swap weekends due to him being sick my concern is that whilst he may not be infectious his mother may not be showing symptoms yet as it can take up to 10 days so there's a chance of my daughter getting the infection via her farther or brother.
He says I'm being selfish as it will be a another week until he sees his son if we swap weekends.
He looked at staying at a hotel but I pointed out that whilst it minimises the risk if she has it then he may get it and bring it home with out knowing. His ex wife has stated she won't swap weekends due to having plans and as she's more stubbourn than I am my boyfriend is basically ignoring my fears.
I don't understand why he would take that risk with an already sick child.
I assumed he'd do the best for both children but I don't feel like he is.
I'm heartbroken that he is willing to take that risk and a part of me feels like he's putting his want to see his child (wich I totally appreciate) above my child. And I feel like his still may as well be with his ex as he never wants to say anything or upset her so I have to live with her rules.
I know I'm tired and on heart medication due to my preeclampsia but right now I'm sat down stairs sobbing and he's upstairs happily sleeping.
I know he's going to pick him up tomorrow and bring him home for the weekend and all I want to do is pick my baby up and leave and not come back untill the house has been thoroughly cleaned.
Am I being over the top?
Feel like I need some perspective as he's making me feel like it's all unfounded claims and it's all ok.
But due to previous issues with his ex I'm about ready to throw the towel in and walk away.

what if the visiting/step child were at risk of infection from the resident child? What then?

What happens in 'together' households when there is a vulnerable newborn and an existing, sick sibling?

In a 'together' household you can't do much about it, but this thread isn't about a 'together' household, is it? We have a two-househlld situation, where it is entirely possible for a few days' quarantine to take place, and the missed visiting time to be made up afterwards.

It's not the end of the world, surely, and preferable to a tiny baby getting impetigo?

I do wonder if, for example, a nasty tummy bug had afflicted the OP's household, everyone would still be so keen for access to go ahead, when there's the chance of the visiting child picking it up, and/or bringing it home with them?

Surely the health of a child, whether resident or visiting, has got to be the most important consideration?

The way I see it is both step mum and mum ARE mums

In the majority of cases, the 'birth' mum isn't making a choice about having another woman in her child's life. Nor is she relinquishing any of her parental responsibilities so they are shared with step mum. As far as I'm concerned my children are 100% mine, my responsibility, regardless of where they may be. Their step mum has no responsibilities enshrined in law. She is not allowed to make decisions about their schooling, religion, etc. She is not their mum - it is a title she gets by being in a relationship with my ex - which I am perfectly happy to accept - but she doesn't share financial, emotional or practical responsibility in bringing them up. She may take on those roles, of course, but there is no legal obligation for her to do so and I do not need her, nor want her, to do that.

Unfortunately relationships breakdown. We have to accep it and move on. But I struggle to see why that means I must share the title of mum of my child with someone I have no choice in whatsoever. Significant, important adult, but I am my children's mum. No one else.

As a disclaimer, I understood widowhood is different, that some women relinquish responsibility for their children etc etc but I think in the majority of cases, we are involved with someone else's children by way of 'shit happens' and that is largely recognised in law. It doesn't make step parenting unimportant or insignificant.

Yet the children are siblings in their father's eyes? No different? Some children are perpetually sick...where does it stop?

I don't disagree that the perhaps a missed weekend in this case might be sensible...but where does it stop?

Yet the children are siblings in their father's eyes?

It's not about the father's feelings or his wants though. It's about being sensible and flexible, and the right thing in this situation would be for the older child to not be in contact with the newborn. He could see his older child elsewhere, and he's being a bit silly if he feels determined to have a cozy family weekend with both of his children together for the first time when one of them is ill and the other is a vulnerable newborn. That can still happen of course, just not at the moment. His older child needs to get better first.

Would you call your ex bio-Dad to denote the difference between him and your dp?
If I wanted to be clear about the distinction, yes I probably would, but I just can't fathom why people get so offended by the words that refer to giving birth or being the biological parent.

Legally, I understand that you don't become a 'step-parent' until you are married.

I think NNCA expressed my feelings perfectly. Saying that because a new poster hasn't adopted the MN culture, they should post or they should be prepared to be flamed for not following some made up rule is incredibly unwelcoming and quite intolerant.

what if the non-resident child was in danger of being infected by a child resident in the fathers home?
This is a good question. I suppose there are not many infections that would be likely to be passed to the dad and then in turn passed to the baby that would put that baby life at risk, unless it had a compromised immune system to start with.

If the DSS and Dad and his mum can't be a tiny bit flexible for the sake of a newborns health then no wonder being a step mum is the lowest peg in the pecking order.
Mum had plans, so surely it is acceptable in this instance that she couldn't keep her child. OP's husband offered to take son and go to hotel, hence prioritising OP's concerns and baby's health. What more flexibility could he offer that didn't come at the detriment of the child?

The op's partner looked at staying elsewhere but the op still thought that was too greater risk.

We have a two-househlld situation, where it is entirely possible for a few days' quarantine to take place, and the missed visiting time to be made up afterwards.
I think in the perfect world, mum would say that is not trouble to keep the child and exchange one week-end. That of course would imply that OP and father would be perfectly flexible the other way around if mum was ill one week-end and asked on the Friday that they take the child and they agreed without a moan.

It gets more complicated if plans had already been made though. Who should then make arrangements with yet another family member/child.

In my case, OH and I have always been thankfully quite flexible, however, there was always an assumption that I would be flexible no matter what and if I couldn't be, it was my responsibility to find a baby sitter or someone else. That flexibility was not reciprocated. I would get a 'sorry, got plans can't do' with the underlying 'your problem'.

Legally, I understand that you don't become a 'step-parent' until you are married.

What do you mean by 'legally'? Being married to a parent gives you no additional rights or responsibilities towards their DC.

There is no such thing as a "stepparent" in law.

Needsahalo said everything I would have said in reference to step mom and mothers being the same it so totally different, I certainly didn't ask for ex to cheat and leave me, then met someone else and they become mom to my kid by default of being with me ex needsahalo hit the nail on the head. My ex's DW does not take on mother roles in regards to DS.

The title step-mum doesn't mean that that person has taken on the mother roles. The title is more step- parent. The mum or dad bit is just for gender purposes. It just means that while the child is with them, in their home and they are responsible then they take on a parenting role.

I would much prefer my step-daughter felt comfortable around me, confide in me, have a laugh etc than not. The only way this has been achieved is by being emotionally available to her. This of course involves reading to her, making sure she's brushed her teeth, feeding her, helping with her homework, etc...these are all parental responsibilities I have taken on because I had a young child joining my family/and me joining hers. It was vitally important that she knew her life with her dad is also 'home' and that she was comfortable with everyone living there. Her mum may not have chosen or need me to be in this position and she sure hates it that I am there, however, I know that I make my step-daughter happy and I bring extra love and support which can only be a good thing.

The fact is that the separation has happened, extra people have been added into the mix and it would be odd if the 'new' adults didn't take on some parenting responsibility. My step-daughter's mum may hate my role and feel that I am not needed but that is based purely on her own feelings, not on my step-daughter's which are the only ones that count.

My step-daughter's mum may hate my role and feel that I am not needed but that is based purely on her own feelings, not on my step-daughter's which are the only ones that count.

Unfortunately, it's often the case the the DCs feelings begin to reflect those of their mum.

It is often said here on the step boards that DCs are astute enough to know whether an adult is comfortable/happy, despite what they might say. Stepmums are told that a DSC will know if they are resented, even if there are no overt signs.

So a mum who hates their DCs having a stepmum will be unable to conceal that completely from their own DCs.

That creates a huge conflict for the DCs who feel begin to guilty when enjoying themselves with their stepmum, because they know their mum doesn't approve, and they begin to look for ways to withdraw and minimise their stepmums role in their life.

When that happens, it's better for the DCs if the mums feelings are respected and the stepmum doesn't try and involve herself in a parenting, or even responsible adult, capacity.

When that happens, it's better for the DCs if the mums feelings are respected and the stepmum doesn't try and involve herself in a parenting, or even responsible adult, capacity.

And then if they don't do that, people say the stepmum is then being cold for not being hands on or as involved practically and emotionally. Even the mum would probably say this and totally contradict herself, so it's a no win situation really.

Even the mum would probably say this and totally contradict herself, so it's a no win situation really.

Definitely.

I was flamed for being out of line for including the DSC's laundry in with ours when they were here, but DHs ex kicked off when she found out I wouldn't cosleep with DSS. Go figure

Even the mum would probably say this and totally contradict herself, so it's a no win situation really.

Definitely.

I was flamed for being out of line for including the DSC's laundry in with ours when they were here, but DHs ex kicked off when she found out I wouldn't cosleep with DSS. Go figure

I do believe there is a legal definition of step parent as below:
*Step parenting now seem to encompass more situations than ever before but the legal definition of a step parent is very specific:-

Step-mother – A woman who is married to one’s father after the divorce of one’s parents or the death of one’s mother.

Step-father – A man who is married to one’s mother after the divorce of one’s parents or the death of one’s father.

[Oxford dictionary]

So, a step parent only becomes a step parent upon marriage to one of the biological parents. You are not a step parent from a legal perspective if you are only living together with your partner – no matter how long for.*

Taken from www.familylawpartners.co.uk

I think it is to do with the right to request parental responsibility.

NN The mind boggles...

I think it is to do with the right to request parental responsibility

It used to be swing, but I understood that the "marriage" requirement of a stepparent PR agreement was removed in the most recent changes to family law a few years ago - I could be wrong, though !

I think you are right but it is much harder to do so, especially if you have separated from the person. ie, dad and partner separate, partner wants to keep in touch with child, dad says no, step-mum will have a much harder time in court to defend her case for contact if she wasn't married in the first place.

NN Yes..you are right. I do worry that I've put my step-daughter in an awkward position. It wasn't anything intentional..we just got on. I hate being hated..I love my step-daughter..she's just lovely and a credit to her parents. I wish her mum and I could be OK with each other but there's such an almost tangible feeling of hatred that comes from her when she's near me. I know my SD picks up on that but is that then for me to just disappear into the background..I shouldn't have to apologise for my existence because the ex has these feelings..surely she should keep this under control for the sake of her daughter? I don't know..it's so complicated..it's not about me in the end but I feel like being a step-parent you make so many invisible sacrifices no one will ever realise. My husband is wonderful but he will never fully understand..it's quite lonely.

I wish her mum and I could be OK with each other but there's such an almost tangible feeling of hatred that comes from her when she's near me. I know my SD picks up on that but is that then for me to just disappear into the background.

It's about what your SD needs - what she and you want isn't necessarily the right thing for her long term.

The best thing I ever did with DHs DCs is let them know that I know how their mum feels about me, and that I wasn't angry about it. I refused to allow it to be the "elephant in the room" that everyone knew but no one talked about.
A lot of their emotional conflict came from embarrassment that their mum didn't like me, and then feeling guilty because they felt embarrassed by their mums feelings about me. I took away the embarrassment by openly talking about it as something that just "was" - I made no judgements about it, just accepted that was how life is. For instance, we turned the repeated implication from their mum that I was a wicked stepmum into a lighthearted term of endearment!

I also made sure that they knew that I would understand if they withdrew from me because of their loyalty to their mum.

Sadly, perhaps as a result, they have both chosen to abide by their mums wishes and have repeatedly cut contact with me for months/years at a time. however, they know that I understand why, and both of them, at different times, have reinitiated contact in the knowledge that I'll accept them back despite their rejection of me. They are, as a result, emotionally healthier than they would have been if they'd been forced to continue to live with that emotional conflict every other weekend.

It's harder now that DHs DD is an adult - I'm not sure for how long I can 'excuse' her behaviour as loyalty towards her mum, but we'll have to see what happens if when she reinitiates contact again.

NN it is often, like you say, 'the elephant in the room', the DSCs mother not liking a SM. It is a hugely powerful thing and affects the DSCs a lot I think. I quite admire that you were able to speak so openly about it.

I have a feeling that the OP is perhaps in a similar position. A mum refusing to budge at all over a contact weekend because of a newborn is not someone who sounds very accepting of the OP here. I hope it doesn't cause other issues in the future for the OP.

The extent that my DSCs have been influenced by their mum is only becoming evident to me in the last few years. I was so naive! I can also see how much it affects their relationship to their Dad. As they've grown they basically seem to take on their Mum's attitutude that their Dad is only good for money and running around after them. I find it pretty awful to see it all unfold. There is basically no way that me or their Dad are able to have a good relationship with them now. Dad is more money and to ferry them everywhere, and that is it.

OP if you're still here, I'm sorry you are so stressed out at the moment, it must be hard. I hope you and DP have got things sorted out by now. I know nothing about impetigo and the risk factors / stakes here so it's hard for me to weigh up the situation.

Interesting to read another thread getting into the "birth mother" debate, I don't think the last one I remember had so many people prepared to defend the term. FWIW I can see why it seems v inappropriate to some posters, but OTOH I think it's awful to jump on a desperate and stressed out OP for using it while offering her no other support or advice at all.

I am almost looking forward to the day when someone tells me I shouldn't refer to myself as a SM because I am just my DPs girlfriend! I need it to complete my MN bingo card...