Help with step daughter being horrible

[cara0463]

Sounds like a really nasty subject! Me and my other half are a very modern family shall we say. We both had a child when we met (my little boy was one his little girl was 5). We now have a 2 year old together and another on the way. My step daughter has never been the most accepting of me and my son or of her new sister. Her mum is a bit of a head case and poison's her mind. Anyway..my little boy doesn't see his biological father and has always called my partner dad and sees him as nothing other than his dad. We have told him the truth..I believe in honesty with children. And he still has contact with biological fathers mum and family ect. Lately my stay daughter has been getting a lot worse with the way she treats my two children. Constantly telling my little boy "I hope you know he'll never be your real dad" and telling me "my mum said she'd still be with my dad if it weren't for you" (they separated years before) she talks to me and her dad like absolute trash and is generally turning into not a very nice person. Any advice on the best way to deal with this all?

So, since you and your DP have got together you have: allowed your DS to call him daddy, had a baby fairly quickly into the relationship, are now having another baby, and are reacting to this little girl's reactions by excluding her from your family, and you wonder why she's lashing out?

If the mother is saying anything to the DD then she is of course out of order. But TBH none of you are exactly covering yourselves in glory here. This is a nine year old child you are demonising. Do you really think that excluding a nine year old from her father is the way to go? What will you be doing if your younger two start acting in a way you don't like? Putting them into care since you can't send them off back to another parent who will pick up the mess?

Your DS shouldn't be calling your DP daddy. He is your DC, and currently lives with this child's daddy more than she does. By allowing him to take on that association you are excluding her even more from her family.

I wouldn't be approaching the ex. If she comes Out with things her mum have said then acknowledge whatever you need to acknowledge, so if she says "daddy isn't daddy," then "no, he isn't his daddy, but as your daddy lives here he does look after all of us, including DS." If she talks about her parents getting back together, well TBH that's fairly normal for young kids anyway. Whether we like it or not, children do imagine a world where their parents will get back together, however unlikely that is. You can just say that you and daddy are together now, as you've got other children who are her siblings.

But in no way should you be punishing her for lashing out because of her lack of attention. One day she will be old enough to cut contact, and your DP will have no-one to blame but himself if he starts excluding her now.

My son was very young when he met my partner, my partner is in the process of adopting him and we have always been honest to all the children. My son knows 'i have a dad who made me and a dad who loves and brings me up' family's aren't straight forward these days and we haven't just been together two minutes. We're talking over four years.

It's not ok to treat her like an outsider just because her mum treats her worse than her dad. That doesn't make him great, it makes him a fraction less shit than his ex.

Why isn't he going for full residency if she is so toxic? If you can't have her stay with you then he needs to move out to somewhere he can raid his daughter, not just shrug off his responsibilities and leave her full time with a bad mum.

We've tried that route legally more than once before things got this bad! It's not as simple as 'OK let her come live with us'. Believe it or not

Why is he adopting your child when he won't even have his own child overnight? He has his priorities massively screwed up.

Four years is half the life of a nine year old though. And yes, I would say that bringing a step sibling into her dad's life who calls her daddy then having two more babies very quickly is an awful lot of change in a not very long period of time.

Never ceases to amaze me these men who cut contact with their children because of what a bitch the ex is. Really..... you do realise that if you and your DP split then he'll do the same to your children don't you? But you carry on holding a nine year old responsible for your issues and stay oblivious to the fact that your DP is a shit father to his eldest child. A fact which you can overlook because it's not your children he's being a shit father to.

But it is as simple as not letting her stay anymore.

I'm sorry but the people being horrible are the adults not the step daughter. She's been bombarded with lots of change from both parents. Of course she's going to act out!

Her step brother being adopted by her dad is obviously going to make her feel threatened! Can't you see things through her eyes? Poor girl.

"Her mother is a waste of space"

Nice.

Actually OP I sympathise with you immensely, there's 2 adults and 2 (soon to be 3) other children to consider. If her lies could put your career in jeopardy (as you infer) then of course you can't let it go on!

I'd say your DH needs some alone time with her and treat her like a big girl, 'now you're older, you can understand that I love you very much but you need to respect your blended family, if you would like to be here overnight you need to respect 'OP' and our children.' She's a 9 year old, and can understand how to manipulate situations.
Can you seriously consider offering her full time residency with you?

I don't think meeting someone, falling in love and having more children is irresponsible when he was regularly seeing his daughter already. She needs to understand her actions have consequences and lying gets you nowhere

Step daughter is not a nice child as she is a product of her mother and it really rubs off on the other children
You sound like you do want things to work well and care for your SD, but some of your words are coming across very judgmental and the above is the worse example of it. Your SD is the product of her mother AND her father, and probably to some extend you too now. I really hope that such feelings are well hidden from SD because otherwise, it is no surprise she is turning nasty.

I don't understand the rationale behind her not staying at night because of her lies from a safeguarding perspective. What's the difference between her telling lies during the day and telling lies at night?

The whole situation sounds a bit strange the way it is read as on one hand you seem to say that you do love her, wish she moved in with you, but then your title is about her being horrible, like her mother and you didn't want her to stay overnight any longer.

Flip, yesterday you were slagging off her mum for "getting greedy" and going to the CSA when your DH was only paying half the minimum amount of child maintenance he should have been.

And today you're posting a thread about how horrible your SD is as she's a product of her mother and how you've stopped her being allowed to stay over. (which makes your maintenance comments yesterday even worse)

Poor little girl. Doesn't sound like any of the adults in her life really care about her. From her point of view, her dad is trying to have as little involvement, responsibility and input into her life as possible. No wonder she's acting out.

Ah so not only has the dp decided that his child isn't welcome to sleep in his house but he wasn't even providing for her .

What a great parent.

Fucks sake op give yourself a shake.
You and your dp are fucking with this child's head.

She has been pushed out. Some other kid calls her daddy daddy and gets to be with him everyday yet she can't even stay the night.

Awful.

The poster saying your DS shouldn't call him "dad" is talking nonsense.

The world does not revolve around this one girl and all the children's needs are important - so your DS's need for security counts too.

Your DP needs to speak to the ex if he can.

It sounds like you have done all you can with this girl and perhaps a break is what you all need. We had a break from my SD coming to ours because she was making up things about me (saying I was physically violent to her) and generally being highly toxic and we had to consider ALL members of the family - not just her.

I disagree with people saying you shouldn't discipline her for her bad behaviour. You can't pander to her. We tried the softy softy approach with my SD and it just taught her she could do whatever she wants and nobody would discipline her.

OP - I so sympathise with you.
I suggest a firm but fair approach with her. Lots of love from you and her dad but don't reward her rude / bad behaviour.

You are being very irresponsible to allow your partner legal responsibility of your son when he has clearly abandoned his duty to another child whom he has a legal and moral duty towards. If he is so cavalier in his treatment of his biological daughter what makes you think he is someone to entrust your son to?

I don't think any family is simple, especially blended families.

We do not know what the lies were, but I'm guessing pretty serious for the OP to be concerned about her career.

At 9, the child is old enough o know consequences, I know at 9, if I told lies I would be punished.

The OP has other younger children to consider and protect, and for her DS not to call the DP Dad, when he's all the child has known, and is in the process of adopting DS is not fair on DS. They are a family, albeit not a 'traditional' one.

We've got a snapshot into someone's life, we don't know the ins and outs, we don't know the poison being spouted from the Childs mother.

From what I have read you seem a pretty concerned, caring SM and mother to your children, maybe the answer is to try to have your DS overnight, maybe have some one to one time with her dad, and you (on seperate days) and be treated as more grown up, maybe going out for the day, shopping, have a pizza, and whatever, maybe ask her to help choose a name for the new baby, or whatever. She might not know where she belongs, especially if her mum has a new partner and has been through a few.

Although she's aware of consequences, she's still a child, probably a very confused one.