Maintenance question

[39up]

Just trying to get an outside view.

A and B used to be married. They split up six and a half years ago, when their DD was 1.5 yrs old. Since they split up, DD has spent 3 nights with A and 4 nights with B. Both A & B consider B to be the residential parent, as B remained in the family home and A moved in with parents. A has always given B 25% of take home pay.

About 4 years ago A met C, and became romantically involved. A & C moved in together 3 years ago, and got married 2.5 years ago. C is a much higher earner than A, and so A’s lifestyle changed. Since then, A has also started paying for all DD’s shoes, school uniform, school trips and also ballet lessons. DD also has a room at A&C’s house with toys etc there, although toys tend to move between houses.

A&C are now married and have joint finances – shared bank account etc. A conversation is currently happening about whether this means B should receive 25% of A’s pay or more, perhaps 25% of A&C’s household income. C does earn more than double A&B’s income combined, and because so much money is going into the joint account, B feels that A could very easily afford to give more and finds it slightly galling that B often struggles with bills etc while A is able to take regular holidays/drives a new car/give DD extravagant presents. C is uncomfortable with taking on this level of parental responsibility for DD when DD is not C’s own child and would prefer to only help on an ad hoc basis. C is also worried that increasing A’s contributions would significantly damage A&C’s relationship by giving A no financial independence/limited financial input into the household.

(Sorry if this is mysterious. Genuinely don’t know if I’m being U, and wanted to keep it bland and dispassionate so people would tell me if I was)

In terms of days, we have DSD Weds to Sat (pick up from school Weds, return around 3 pm Sat) and B has DSD Sat and drops off at school Weds. We also have DSD for school holidays, except public holidays where A & B alternate Easter and Christmas, and B takes DSD for two weeks quality time in the summer.

I think she's struggling because she's had a bad year - it wasn't as bad before, but her boiler blew up, and her car got hit by an uninsured driver and both those stressed her out a lot. She also stresses because although she has no mortgage the house is meant to be sold when DSD turns 18 and I know she worries a lot that she'll be stuffed then as she doesn't think she can afford to buy DH out on current or likely salary (she isn't in a high earning profession) so she tries to put a lot aside which perpetually leaves her short.

She isn't unable to hear the house or feed DSD but she had to cancel a holiday this summer, and she had to borrow money for DSD's birthday which I think upset her. And it all blew up a bit over Disney which I think she felt was rubbing her nose in it, which was me being insensitive - I am pregnant and I really wanted to do something special with DH and DSD before new DC came along.

We did talk about this stuff before we moved in. Back then the plan was that in order to cope with the pretty massive salary gap between us we would both put a percentage of our wage into the household pot, and both keep our own money. I said I wouldn't subsidise his debts or responsibilities but I'd I wanted something, like a holiday, or a posh meal out, that he couldn't afford, I'd cover that for both of us as that was me choosing to maintain a lifestyle I like and sharing it with those I love. This maybe wasn't a sensible plan, and recently we've begun to feel it isn't quite right for us, esp as he contributes a lot in a non-financial way, hence joint bank account.

Oh, and its all shoes. Not just school shoes we get. Not a huge extra, I agree, and we do pick up other stuff on an ad hoc basis. I just mentioned it as it's an agreed part of the maintanance.

39 seriously give yourself a break! You are doing loads and Disney is a lovely idea as something special to mark her becoming a big sister.

I would stop stressing, her issue seems to be saving too much and leaving herself short. That is her issue not A's and certainly not yours!

Wow, it would be extremely unreasonable to give a child maintenance on a formal basis That wasn't your own.
DPs ex started calling for maintenance from me. Don't have a good relationship but my god it got worse when she started screaming I should be paying her for her kids. That was it for me, I realised just how U she was (with many other things). I've always bought them stuff but that's on my terms with no responsibility and I would feel VERY resentful with that arrangement.

39 seriously give yourself a break! You are doing loads and Disney is a lovely idea as something special to mark her becoming a big sister.

I would stop stressing, her issue seems to be saving too much and leaving herself short. That is her issue not A's and certainly not yours!

I'm a single mum and I certainly wouldn't expect my ex's partner to contribute to maintenance for my kids. You have the kids three days a week and A is paying 25% of his salary to his ex who only has them one day a week more than him. She is not getting a bad deal!

Since you have the kids for nearly half the week, I think your most important contribution will be anything you do to care for them when they are with you, or to support your partner in caring for them is good too. If you help financially when they are with you then that is great but is a bonus. I'd be more inclined in your position to do this and your step kids will hopefully benefit from holidays with you and other experiences that otherwise they might not have.

Do not pay her anything directly from your salary. You are already being very reasonable.

I am an exw who is struggling financially for various reasons. My exH has remarried, lives mortgage free as his new wife had a very generous payout when she divorced. They gave much more disposable income than I do. I do not believe B's maintenance payments should be increased. There is no legal or moral imperative for C to support B's lifestyle. A should continue to pay the maintenance for his child and B should grow up and accept her responsibilities.

Have I missed something? The child's mother works full time and provides a home for her daughter. She's been hit with unexpected bills is what I thought OP said, not that she isn't trying to provide for her daughter herself...?

We don't know any of the figures of money involved here. Except that the cost of a trip to Florida would make a significant difference to the child's mother's finances.

OP the advice would be able to be much more specific if you disclosed how much your DH earns and whether he works full time. But it's up to you of course.

Also I wonder if his ex wife is worried that he might give up work to look after your child and that the agreed maintenance will be cut or stopped altogether. It might be something to provide some reassurance on, if you haven't already.

Honestly, the only time I'd expect the NRP's partner, in this case C (you) to pay maintenance would be if your DH decided to give up work to be a SAHD to your shared DC once it arrives.

It's a shame she's had a tough year financially. If I were you, I'd maybe offer to help with some DSD additional costs as a one off, like get her winter wardrobe or something this year, but definitely not add to the maintenance agreement.

Stick to the NRPs income being taken into consideration only. The step mum should be allowed to contribute as and when. I am a step mum (also have my own son). My DH's ex is regularly abusive to me but also keeps asking for my pay details for the CMS Yeah right.

Tutan dp's ex tried the same and then tried to hand over a printed email saying they wanted the info. Luckily a friend of mine is a lawyer and had warned me she might try it so I had my "get knotted" reply all ready!

Theres no doubt a few if us here thats been the literally starving mum while the ex lived the life if riley. But pay her car and boiler? No! Fuck that.

Your income is irrelevant - if he is paying 25% of his inome - that is it.

MY Ex and his then DP felt that because I worked my butt off and had a good income - he should not have to pay for his two DCS!!!!

Now she is also an EX - she thinks her share of said maintenance should be higher because I work and she does a dead beat part time job and with her £29000 in benefits, £800 pcm salary, £800 pcm for her first two DCs - she should get all the £600 pm for their joint DC and my 2 should get none.

Sorry the EX is wrong -you are not responsible for jack shit unless D is in oyur house and then it is your combined responsibility,

I don't think you are morally obliged to pay more, however I do sympathise with your DSD's mum's position.

My ex earns a v high salary, as does his GF. He pays me the maintenance he's required to pay, and the DC and I manage fine... However the only holiday I could afford for us was a few days camping in the UK, while he took them on a luxury exciting 2 week foreign holiday which they are still raving about. It feels a bit gutting that I can't do that, while he has this rather luxurious lifestyle and the DC have these two parallel lives.

I can understand her worrying about the house being sold when DSD is 18... I am currently retraining in a new profession as I am fully aware that when the DC turn 18 I won't get tax credits or maintenance, which make up a massive chunk of my income. It's a vulnerable position to be in.

Dunno what to suggest though, maybe your DH could set up savings for DSD for uni etc if he hasn't already, if he does have more disposable income now that he's married to you?

The issue is most likely her feeling of inadequacy as a parent. On one hand she is stressed with her financial situation and feeling frustrated that she can't do the things with her DD/treat her as she'd like, but to make it worse, she gets to experience all this with her dad and you, so it feels like a double blow.

I can understand this although I am in the opposite seat. I am able to afford to take my kids to lovely holidays, and I can imagine that it must feel a bit depressing when they go back to their dad after being away telling him what a fantastic time they had, showing pictures etc...

It's a difficult situation because it is what it is: you are a high earner, and I assume you are so because of the choices you've made in life whilst she isn't and again, most likely because of the choices she made. You have no responsibility to make her feel better because of the situation.

What she needs is reassurance that DD is not going to love her less because she offers less material things, which is obvious, but when your kids show such excitement telling you about it, you start doubting yourself, and gain confidence that her DD loves her for who she is as her mum. My kids love their dad even though he does very little with them and has only taken them away once on hols in 13 years. They have a different relationship with him than with me, but it doesn't take away their feelings.

Good luck with the wills and future planning aswell!

I have been 'C'. When I met OH he was in a tiny rented flat on a fairly low income, paying as much CM as he could afford, which was a bit over CSA. He meets me, I earned more than double what he did so his lifestyle got much better overnight, we moved to a house in a nice area, he eventually got a better car etc etc. Ex-W didn't ask directly for a share of my salary, but as soon as she realised his change in circumstances asked repeatedly for more money, which effectively would have come from me as OH was of course paying a much lower share of our household costs than I was (which we had agreed as fair, simular arrangement to OP), so any extra he gave her would mean that I had to pay more to cover it. I refused. If he'd still been on his own he wouldn't be able to afford it, why would me being on the scene mean that his ex should receive more money?