My husband's ex wife won't let him have child if I'm there

[Kerrycficht]

So my husband and I have been married for almost a year. His ex wife is extremely bitter about their divorce. He asked for a divorce, and let her take everything, including full custody of the kid. She never fight for them to stay together. She just said Ok, and took everything (including a lot of money.) And she moved to Turkey with the child (to marry another man), without his permission. 5 days after the divorce was final. He didn't want to fight over anything. But in doing so, he never set boundaries. Most of the time, he has to beg to get her to FaceTime about an hour once a week. But our barely happens. She doesn't respond a lot to his questions or calls about their daughter.
We couldn't afford to fly any sooner, but had discussed with her for almost a year about us coming to Germany (mutual ground. They both have family there). She assured us she was saving and wouldn't keep his daughter from him. We agree on a time. We buy flights for a two week trip (coming from the U.S., not cheap.)
After weeks of asking her to buy her own flights, and a million excuses why she can't, I offer my husband that I'll pay for them from my savings. Finally, she agreed. But only if I'm not there. So I buy them without knowing the stipulation.
My husband's response to her, "ok". Because again he doesn't want to fight with her. But instead I'm left hurting, and we're fighting. I've been looking forward to meeting my step daughter. Since we started dating. She's seen me on FaceTime, but only after we were married. And I'm excited for us to finally be together. (Just for a week, that's all she would agree to.) He hasn't seen his daughter in 1.5 years.
My husband can't understand why it's important that we're all together.
Do I have a right, as a step mom, to be with my husband while he has visitation? I understand her dislike of me. I'm his new wife. And she knows she can do whatever she wants, and he'll keep paying the child support. Even alienating him from his daughter, completely.
I told him I'd take a poll. So basically that's what I'm doing.
Who thinks my husband should put his foot down, and who thinks I shouldn't have to be there? Thanks for your opinion.

I read it that the dh wanted the divorce and the ex wife didn't

This is not a viable excuse for child abduction.

Did your husband leave her to be with you op?

Even if he did, it's not an acceptable reason to block contact with the child's father.

Besides, if the mother was still feeling that bitter towards her ex she arguably shouldn't have been marrying the next guy 5 days after the divorce

The ex has done wrong, but OP's H's legal recourse is limited so he is in a very weak position.

Is he paying maintenance?

I don't think even showing wedding photos to DD would be appropriate at this time - confusing for her, and would no doubt annoy the ex.

If your H wants to see his DD, for now, he basically has to appease his ex. As do you.

I am always dubious of these men who give up custody of their children to the ex without a fight and then claim victim status when she doesn't want to embrace the new partner.

If the woman is genuinely withholding access then she is in the wrong. However having a four year old tell someone they'v never met they love them over FaceTime is massively overstepping boundaries in itself.

You are not this child's step mother in anything other than terminology. it's. Different matter entirely if you already have a relationship with a child, but a marriage does not a step parent make.

He hasn't seen his child for nearly two years. The relationship between them needs to re-develop, but TBH if they are always going to live continents apart and he is only ever going to see them every few years that relationship will never be a close one and it's possible you may never have a relationship with him.

your DH needs to be making more effort to see his child. To go through the courts to gain greater access and to travel independently to turkey to see him if need be.

Only once he has an established relationship with the child should you be brought into the picture.

I'm sorry OP but I really think your living in cookoo land with expectations that are totally unachievable. I think that setting them up so high is only going to end in you being disappointed when things don't go your way.

You SD trekking you that she loves you means nothing. At 4yo they live their favourite character on TV!

What is real is that everything is set so that your DH will lose meaningful contact with his daughter. She now shares her life with another man who with time will take his role as father figure. If he can't afford to see her more then every few years then it is likely that with time he will become like a distant uncle you go and see during the hols who spoils you. Fun but not like a father.

He made the biggest mistake when he didn't prevent her from living the country. Still he has to try and frankly you have no place in this poor state of a relationship. You are making it all about your fantasy and blaming the mum for not letting you do so when I expect the reality is that she knows that the only chance her daughter has to have some sort of relationship with her father is for her to have him exclusively during this time. When she's older and still want to see her dad then maybe she'll show an interest in getting to know his life and therfore you. Hopefully by then mum will feel more secure to let her daughter go.

Frankly I've never been an overprotective mum but I am quite sure I would have felt too nervous to let my daughter at 4yo go alone with someone she had not seen for 1/3rd of her life in a foreign country and if I had it would have been purely if I thought it gave her a chance to really bond with her dad rather then play happy family with his wife.

I agree with Op . Why should dad be told how he spends his time it's his daughter? Why should mum be able to tell him who can be there? I'm sure she doesn't and hasn't ask his permission to introduce a partner to the daughter. My dc have a step mum (who I'm not that keen on) but I don't have the right to tell my ex how he spends his time with his children.

She can because she knows what is in the best interest of the child. It seems so does OP' husband, or is only OP WHO chr see that spending time with her father alone considering the circumstances is what's best, at least for the first visits.

Swing - that may be the case, but it is not very likely to be the actual motivation given the other info we have about the ex:

• has to be begged to facilitate face time
• moved DD half a world away from her father

...and I was going to say agreed to let OP pay for everyone's flights before saying actually OP wouldn't be allowed to see the DD. But on rereading the OP, it seems that she made this stipulation BEFORE the flights were booked, but OP didn't know about it. OP, does that meanm your DH kept that information from yo and let you book the flights before he told you?

We don't know the background though. For all we know, the ex thought she was happily married and then suddenly discovered her husband had an affair, told her to leave the house and she found herself with nowhere to go in a country that was foreign to her (maybe she came as a student?). For all we know too, they might have met and married elsewhere and the only reason they are in the US is because of his job. She might even not be allowed to remain there after divorce.

A lot of ifs, but the fact remains that he didn't prevent her moving which is something that he would have been in his right to do if they were both US residents.

What makes me particularly think that there is more to it than what OP shared is the fact that her OP himself doesn't want her to go. Surely that says it all and should be enough for her to respect her husband wishes. I do agree though that in no circumstances should she be paying anything. He should pay for his flight and just fly to where his daughter lives, so again, the whole plan to meet in Germany doesn't make much sense unless there is more to the story.

swing you are right. So many holes in the story. The worst men are the ones who can tell a good story. I'm not saying the dad in this scenario is a bad person, but he has permitted 1.5 years to pass without seeing his baby . Most parents couldn't bare that.

OP, look out . Maybe the ex wife can give you a heads up. I'm all for second marriages but he sounds dodgy. You sound like a star.

So, he couldn't be bothered to have properly shared care of his 2.5yo daughter 18 months ago?
He's father of the year, isn't he?

Of course a husband will want his wife to go to something as big as this, but that should just be on the trip and to be there for him emotionally before and after the time with his daughter. That shouldn't be diluted by a woman who is a stranger. (and you are, occasional facetiming is nothing)

so it's ok for the mother to move with her daughter to another country to be with another man (I wonder if the mother made her new partner wait for a set period of time before she introduced him to her daughter?!?) and not tell the father but the father is the bad guy for wanting his wife to be involved in the childs life?!? hmmm I'd say this is pretty one sided... unfortunately OP the mother sounds extremely self centred and it's difficult to compromise with someone like that... I feel your pain but you should be involved with your step daughters life... and as someone else said, even if you go to the hotel and wait, at least you will be there for your husband when he comes back to hotel...

As said before, we don't know the circumstances of her moving to Turkey and whether maybe it is because she had no right to remain in the country.

I think it is one thing to say that it wouldn't do any harm for OP to be involved in her SD's life, but SHOULD BE is a bit presumptuous, isn't?

I agree you shouldn't be involved. His past is nothing to do with you to many women think it's their right to poke their noses in to things that don't concern them. His ex he conceived a child with her not you x

Regardless of all the adults issues with each other, and speaking as a SM. It's been a long time since dad and daughter have had time together, this isn't about you so let them have it

If it goes well then over the years you'll have plenty of time as a family. Take it slow, you are not important here as hard as it is to hear. Sometimes the best thing you can do to help is to step back (as hard as it is to do!!). And this is speaking from experience

Hope the reunion for parent and child goes well x

I'm struggling to think of how this whole scenario came about without wondering why your DH was so uninterested in his only child he gave up custody without a fight and didn't see his DD for 18 months. $800 spent on your wedding would have got him to Turkey.

Kerrycficht it sounds like the dad and mum both behaved not great.

The mum is calling all the shots now. I don't think it is right but it is the situation.

Please do not jeopardize your husbands chance to see and reconnect with his daughter by insisting you are part of the picture. Accept that there are limitations on this trip and either join your husband on the flight and stay/go elsewhere in Europe, or try and get your money back from the flight and save it for future visits.

To be honest (IMHO) it sounds like you are keen/desperate to be a mum, but you will most likely not get to be a mum to this little girl. If you do want to be a mum, please make plans with your dh and make that a reality for you (sorry if I am imagining something).

Will you ever have a relationship with this child? Yes, maybe, if she and her dad reconnect and you stay in his life then I think the time may well come when she herself dictates the terms of the meetings.

But if you jeopardize this meeting by insisting on being included, then maybe in the long run he and you will lose all connection. Is this fair?NO of course it is not. But I do fear it is a reality. IF your dh goes, sticks to the ex's rules and all is well then the future may be brighter.

Please put your own desires on hold, or explore being a parent another way, and as another poster said, play the long game. In parenting I do think the long haul (it's not really a game), is probably the only way to go!

She sounds awful. Apparently it's OK for the child to be with her mother's new partner, but not her father's. What a hypocrite. She sounds very screwed up.
Suggest that you focus on supporting your partner at the moment and stay in the background, but there is good advice above on your partner to talk to the child about you.

Very old thread, people...

Kerrycficht have you decided what to do.

This thread does make you wonder what the mother would have to do for some posters not to shift the blame.

Boney What does.... "This thread does make you wonder what the mother would have to do for some posters not to shift the blame."
mean?

Do you think posters are advising the OP to go along with the mother's wishes because we agree with the mum?

I think (particularly where a parent has taken a child abroad) that it is very difficult to maintain contact when the resident parent is hostile to the non-resident parent. So for that reason if I were the OP or her dh I would be sticking to the requirements and not putting up a fight until I/the dad had reestablished contact.

I think what the mum is doing is appalling.

But the OP has made the meeting about her being a step mum/supporting her dh, and actually it is about a child getting to see her dad and a dad getting to see his child. Nothing should jeopardize that.

Or have I misread your post? (it does happen sometimes!)

Italiangreyhound

It means what it says, that some (not all) posters are looking for ways to blame the father.

Zombie thread walking.......

Bloody zombies!!