How do you handle inequality between the DC/DSC?

[YellowBricks]

I have 3 DC so obviously my money has to stretch to provide for all three. XH is financially incompetent so I don't receive any child maintenance currently and he never has money to do nice things with them/never buy them things etc. (although managed to find money to go out all the time and go on trips/holidays with whichever woman he is currently dating but that's another issue). I have a tiny family and we're not that close so there's not loads of presents etc.

DSC on the other hand is an only child and both his parents work full time, plus he has a childless SD so money isn't an issue for them. There is also a huge extended family who are really good at buying gifts for one another and there are very wealthy grandparents too. There are also multiple hobbies paid for which I just can't afford on my own.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not that materialistic and I'm trying to raise my DC not to constantly want 'things' and to value the important things in life but I think that's a hard lesson for kids in general. Despite the fact that DSC gets a lot of nice things it's more the disparity in opportunity that bothers me.

DSC comes on all our family holidays (nothing extravagant, usually in the uk) and any day trips we go on. But additionally is taken on multiple expensive holidays and day trips with his other step/parent.

It really bothers me and highlights just how disadvantaged my DC are by having such a selfish father. The kids are a bit young yet to really start noticing (although we have had some showing off) but I just know it will become an issue at some point. So how do you handle this and should DP and I be working to create more equality or should we continue as we are?

yellow bricks your just as entitled to have a say about the children as he is. It's huge thing having blended families and it's ok to be wary about rushing things especially when they don't get on now.

How would it go if you said you wanted one weekend a month with your own kids?

I went out with a guy who had ds & dd. At the time I had no dc. I realised after a while that he was just ploughing along deciding what suited him & his dc & I just had to fit in with what he wanted. We talked about living together but I realised it would be awful (& why he was not with either of the dcs' mothers!) maybe think ahead & whether you really want this kind of life for you & your dc's. He sounds extremely selfish op. Thought only my exp would change contact arrangements without discussing with me. Would you want dsc living with you & your dc? And doesn't dp think his exw might have something to say about it? Are you just enabling him to keep cherry picking the best bits of life with you & then walzing off when it suits him? Not v fair or nice to you xx

You need to take back control of the decision making here. Don't let some chap wade in and make decisions that have huge ramifications for you and your children, based on what is actually best for him and his DC.

Listen, I know it's tough. I'm a lone parent who is in love with someone new, too. It's easy to get carried away in the moment and forget to stop and think. But we don't, we chat things through while they're still ideas. If he was a bit selfish, or thoughtless, he wouldn't encourage me to do so, and our relationship wouldn't work.

You need to be honest with your boyfriend that you need to slow the progression of this relationship down, and work out what is really in your DC's (and your own) best interest.

If it were up to him, we'd already be married and living together. I'm definitely being more cautious.

OP you are wise to be cautious, this does not sound like a great relationship to me. Why on earth does he think that you should match money for his DS?

OP regain some control on your life. It does not sound that this relationship will be in the best interests of your DC. If you get rid of your DP you will have more money to spend on your DC.

There seem to be a mixed of issues coming up from this tread. The one you refer to in your title is one you can do nothing about. Your children have two parents who don't work whereas your SS has two who do. It is inevitable that he is going to benefit directly from what his parents can afford that your kids won't.

However, firstly it is important to appreciate that money can't buy happiness, so even though it is inevitable you could treat your children the same, your children might not have as much an issue with it than you.

The other issue then is how you blend your family together. I expect if you do decide to move in together, there will first be discussions about you will be managing your money. Will he agree that the moment he moves with you, everything is shared and therefore, what is spent on your kids is no different to what he spends on his son. Or, will it be that you agree on a separate account with your disposable income (with his potentially bigger than yours) and free to spend it as you wish.

All this needs to be very clear before you consider moving together or resentment will overtake your relationship, especially since you are already expressing some it now.

As for what happens to your DS when he is at his mum, that's between his mum and him. Your financial situation and how it impacts on your kids is none of her concern.

If it helps, I'm the resident parent whose family income is significantly higher than my ex and his new partner. My kids get to do things that they can't afford for her children. Do they resent my kids for it? Not at all. My kids understand that they have a life with me and a life with their dad. At their dad, they are treated all equally. I don't think they share much of what they do when with me and the things that they are asked about, they don't brag about it. They all get along very well.

Yes even when DSDs were with their mother for a rare weekend, if me and DP did anything at all 'good' the kids would complain. I was frankly amazed that DP gave in to this, he was just turning them into greedy kids in my book!

Holidays I also bent over backwards to ensure they were equal. I even took away each step child individually for a weekend but had to endure the silent but palpable resentment from resident DSD as she was not 'the first'...

Honestly kids have to learn that they can't have everything, and be spoils 2x just because their parents are separated and desperate for their love. And DPs need to learn that too!

MyCatsabastard why would you let anyone dictate what you can do at the weekends with your own children? You shouldn't be waiting for the Stepchild to be there to do everything.

Likewise yellowbricks. I can't see what is in this relationship for you or your children. Your children do not get on, his is not contributing financially, makes decisions without even considering your feelings and has no interest in your children.

To both of you - put your own children before the demands of these men.

Sounds like it is time to dump him. You are just a base and financing his well provided for child with money you need for your own.