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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Husband cares more for daughter than me

38 replies

user1471525759 · 18/08/2016 14:32

I need to reach out and hope that someone can help me. My husband's estranged adolescent drug addict daughter passed away leaving behind her 2 year old daughter who was being cared for by my husband's ex-wife. We were left with 2 options.. either my husband and his ex-wife jointly adopt or my husband and I adopt the child. Considering my husbands bitter divorce from his ex, I consented to the two of us adopting the child. The problem is that since the adoption my husbands entire life revolves around his grandchild/daughter. We have had very few couple time since her arrival. He talks so sweetly to her and spoils her while he treated my 2 children (who have since left home) as if they were lesser beings. I am so tired of trying to talk to him wherein he says that there is no problem and that I hate the child. If the child is naughty and I say anything, he will side with her and say so in front of the child (who is 5 years old). He wants me to be the perfect mother to her and the perfect wife to him but what about me? I am not going to compete with a child, that is for sure. I feel like a prisoner in this situation. He watches my every move including checking my mobile messages and calls. All I do everyday is go to work and come home where I cook and clean and then still criticises me for not making time for the child. The child manipulates him and he doesn't even see it. He must feel guilty for not being on talking terms with his daughter when she died but why does our relationship have to suffer. I hope I am making sense. I just don't know what to co anymore. I am so miserable. I want this to work and I want to do so from my heart

OP posts:

Fairylea · 19/08/2016 10:59

I feel really sad for the little girl reading this. The op is the only mother she's really ever known and the op has a very negative attitude to her. I wouldn't dream of calling my daughter "the child", it's very cold and distant.

The husband doesn't sound much better to be honest, he shouldn't be monitoring the ops phone etc. I think the op would be best to leave the husband - better for the little girl and she would be happier long term as well.

timelytess · 19/08/2016 11:10

The attitude in your post towards her stinks, quite frankly

I agree. The poor child.

You have shown poor judgement in
a) staying with a man who treated your children as 'lesser beings'
b) agreeing to adopt a child you didn't want
c) treating the adopted child as a stranger and interloper in your home, as seen from the attitude displayed in your opening post.
From what you have written, it seems that life is all about you. You didn't mind your own children suffering as long as you stayed with your man and you now don't care that a poor little five year old has lost her mum and needs a lot of attention.

Apart from all that, older men with time on their hands are sometimes better with babies and children than the same men were when younger.

Get some counselling, to overcome your resentment at not being the centre of the universe. You need to be a better mother to this child. Either that or ship out and let them get on with it.

LavenderEverywhere · 19/08/2016 17:22

jennifer this is not 'the child' it's the OP's adopted daughter. I don't think saying 'my adopted daughter' or just plain 'my daughter' is going to reveal her identity to anyone.

The OP speaks about her in a cold, weirdly disconnected and resentful way.

MrsMargeSimpson · 19/08/2016 17:27

You sound utterly vile. LTB to spare that poor little girl any more shit in her life, it's the kind thing to do.

Ledkr · 19/08/2016 17:53

Well done Mn. You have shit down someone who could have benefitted from some solid advice which in turn would have helped the little girl.

And yes she has shown poor judgement but people do tend to do that after years at the hands of controlling and abusive partners.

Ledkr · 19/08/2016 17:53

Shut down but shit will do

swingofthings · 20/08/2016 08:38

I don't think you can jump to the conclusion that OP's husband is abusive and controlling. The issue is clearly that OP didn't consider the true consequences of the situation, mainly appreciating the change that this child coming into their lives would impact on her relationship with her husband. She resents that change and is torn apart between trying to fit in with the new situation or fighting it.

OP hasn't provided much detail, but from the intensity of the post, I would think that the chances that things are sorted in such a way that they can indeed go back to being a happy couple in a happy family are quite slim. Help should have been there from the start adoption was discussed. I expect OP will end up leaving and her husband will be left raising this daughter on his own, probably relieved that he can give her 100% of his attention without the stress of dealing with his wife's resentment, and OP will be relieved that she can put it all behind and get on with her new life.
As for the child, hopefully she can grow feeling love and supported by at least one parent in her life.

Not sure about the implication of the legalities though if OP has officially adopted the child and therefore remains her parent forever.

Waltermittythesequel · 20/08/2016 10:19

He watches my every move including checking my mobile messages and calls. All I do everyday is go to work and come home where I cook and clean and then still criticises me for not making time for the child

Perhaps we have different ideas on what constitutes abuse.

swingofthings · 20/08/2016 15:45

So he checks her mobile, for all we know, that's because she does too. She is criticized for not making time of her child after work....most mums don't need to be reminded to do so, it's what they look forward to do each day when they leave work.

So no, I really don't think we can assume abuse just from these words.

Ledkr · 20/08/2016 17:28

Just as you cannot assume it's not I guess.
It certainly sounds far from healthy and why is the op getting such a hard time for her feelings towards the child but we can ignore the ops suggestion that he mistreated her children. I have sympathy with that as if I'd watched my own kids badly treated, I'd struggle to see him giving his all to the new daughter.
I wonder how the assessing SW didn't pick up on all this too.
I'm actually wondering if this is genuine.

GeneralBobbit · 20/08/2016 17:32

You've made a mistake adopting a child you don't want

You're supposed to treat her as your daughter, as she is

If you didn't want a daughter you shouldn't have done it

You need to leave the family now, for her sake or get help for your attachment issues with her and the co parenting you do with your dh

LavenderEverywhere · 20/08/2016 17:42

If I felt that my DH saw himself as separate from me and our adoptive child and seemed increasingly discontent with our family set up I think I'd be checking his mobile too.

I think we don't have enough evidence either way to make a judgement on the husband's treatment of his wife and on whether or not he is abusive to the her, but we do know that he is devoted to his granddaughter/adoptive DD and determined to give her a happier and more solid father/daughter bond than he managed with his own tragic and troubled daughter. He could be carrying an awful lot of guilt and trauma over the loss of his DD and the fact that she went so far off the rails - perhaps he just wants to make up for feeling that he failed his dead DD and wanting to do better this time? No-one could blame his for that.

What we do know is that the OP resents this hugely and doesn't seem very emotionally connected to the little girl herself. Let's just start from there shall we?

Lelloteddy · 20/08/2016 18:11

A five year old is not manipulating anyone.
A five year old who has had an incredibly difficult start to life, culminating in the death of her mother deserves consistency, love and security.
None of which is being provided by you.

You need to decide if you are willing to work with your husband to provide your daughter with all of the above or you need to walk away.

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