Children's stepmum

[crs80]

Advice please! I have 2 children and they used to go to their Dad & SM every other weekend plus 2 week days after school, my ex changed his job so could no longer collect them from school so their SM started doing it; last month my ex called to say that the week day visits won't be happening anymore as his wife is refusing to have the children due to their poor behaviour. I know my son is a handful & I really struggle with his behaviour myself so I know she is not wrong however last week my ex contacted me to say that on his weekends they won't be having them the Friday night either as she is refusing to collect them from school and have them for the same reason. So my kids have gone from seeing their Dad & SM (plus their little sister as they have a 3 year old together) 15/16 days a month to 4/6 days a month. I didn't want to say too much but I did speak to my ex when he last picked up the kids & he basically said that his wife has given them enough chances & has spoken to the kids about their behaviour but it hasn't improved and that she doesn't want to spend her days off dealing with fighting kids & disrespectful behaviour from kids that aren't even hers. So whilst I completely understand her position I can't help feeling angry about it as well, I am having issues with my sons behaviour but I can't help feeling that she just can't be bothered with the aggravation& would rather be doing something else than look after 'somebody else's kids' which I also know she has every right to do!

Why is your DS' behaviour so bad? How is his behaviour at school and how long has it been unmanageable at home? Can you give examples?

Sorry to ask so many questions. It probably seems like a derail but if you have more insight into why your DS behaves as he does you stand a better chance at helping him.

As for SM. You can hardly blame her...

P.s. OP I would be careful as you do see to be angry with the step mum. This really isn't fair. And also you may end up with no help at all and the step mum putting her foot down even more. I would have helped out a lot more if I wasn't just dumped on without any consultation. I care for my step kids, as well this step mum might as well. She didn't refuse at first did she, she just got on with looking after your children which is to be greatly appreciated. But sounds like she has got no appreciation at all from either of you. No wonder she is exasperated!

I am trying to get my sons behaviour sorted, I have discussed with our GP and she has referred him for assessments, in all honesty I think I just feel like the burden has been shifted entirely to me & my ex doesn't really want to deal with it, I really never thought about how much his wife has helped out because it just happened & I suppose I took it for granted. I will definitely be speaking to my ex about his involvement now

I just feel like the burden has been shifted entirely to me & my ex doesn't really want to deal with it

Yes, that's exactly what is happening. Now you need to get firm and stay firm. He has an obligation to his children. He is shirking it. Why can't he keep the DCs overnight when you are on night shifts?

He can't keep our children overnight as he goes to work before school drop off so it would mean kids SM would have to do it & she has to take DD to nursery or go to work so not possible

Breakfast club? Morning childminder? Plenty of people go to work before school drop off. If you don't want them with a childminder how do you expect him to cover more time?

Loads of people have to work before school opens. (I'm one of them) They use childcare providers.

Why should your ex's wife look after his/your kids, if she doesn't want to she doesn't even need to give a reason.

But, he should have considered this when he changed jobs, they are his kids, he needs to factor them into all his decision-making and make sacrifices or arrangements that work.

Maybe arrange a more formal contact arrangement? Then, if going forward your ex can't have them, that's his problem to sort, as per the arrangement. There are pros and cons with formal/informal.
Please consider what an awful job being a stepmum is and this woman sounds like she has been doing a lot for your DC until recently. You have the negatives of being a parent without the reward and it's not a natural relationship like with your own DC. You have unconditional love for a child with difficult behaviour, she does not and is expected to put up with it as an adult, even when it causes unhappiness and chaos in her own home and life.

But, he should have considered this when he changed jobs, they are his kids, he needs to factor them into all his decision-making and make sacrifices or arrangements that work

He did. He asked the OP whether she could swap days. She said no. So he made other arrangements - which have since broken down (his DP).
The OP says she won't be happy if he uses a childminder as she'd rather the DCs were with her.

I'm not sure what else he can do?

When it's his days he can use a CM if he wants to. He probably doesn't want to actually and would rather rely on his partner, but if a CM is the only option available to him then he's within his rights to use it on his days. It's not up to the OP.

I hope his partner doesn't feel backed in to a corner. I hope she sticks to her guns.

It's hard but actually I think I am probably going against the grain slightly to say that the most important factor is the children's contact and a court would take a dim view of contact being reduced by 75% because the children don't behave .Contact is for the benefit of the children and their emotional wellbeing,it is not dependent on them "being good" they don't have contact with their father as a reward for good behaviour but as a right

.Feeling that their father is punishing them is not going to help that relationship.Equally it is up to the OP and the father to facilitate this not the SM so they need to find a workable arrangement that enables the DC to retain contact.

2 choices you agree he has full responsibility of the children during your agreed contact times and therefore accept you can't object to his childcare arrangements making it very clear it is up to him to sort out and pay or you take the responsibility back.

You haven't responded to the question why he couldn't drop the kids to your mum though.

OP - there are some fairly nasty comments on here.

It would appear that your EX and his DP came up with an arrangement that worked for them as a family, with regard to child care. None of your business what they do with your DCS in their time and who looks after them. They were NOT doing you a favour at any point- as this was thier new blended family time.

Your joint child may have behaviour issues, but they are yours when you have him and they are theirs when they have him. They have to work it out - not you.

They have a child - 3 yrs ago and your EX changes job. First drop in contact because his hours changed etc. Second drop in contact due to behaviour issues.

Your EX is pathetic and needs to sort out a child minder till he can pick them up from school.

However, I think the bigger picture is the EX and his DP are slowly reducing contact, making fuck all effort and removing his DCS from their new little family.

None of this is your fault

lookluv, They won't be reducing contact if he finds alternative childcare for his children. He will still be taking responsibility for them on his days, it's just that the childcare arrangements will be different.

Well, we don't know that he made those arrangements with the sm, do we? My dp has form for just assuming I am there when he's not/dumping dss on me, and I know other step mums around these parts have dp/H who have also done this, so maybe he didn't make the arrangement, just assumed and the sm got pissed off and told him she would no longer do it?

You're not wrong there Out.

I'd stop being annoyed with the ex wife and look more closely at why your sons behaviour is so bad!
I'd be ashamed if someone who was looking after my children said that their behaviour was so bad they wouldn't do it any more.

Surely it is your and your ex's responsibility as parents to discipline your children and teach them to behave.

OP is managing the behaviour at least in taking responsibility for it when the child is in her care, dad should do the same rather then dump the issue back on OP.

We don't know what happened between the ex and new partner. Maybe he suggested childcare but wife went mad saying that they can't afford it and it's not fair on her that their disposable income should go down because of his behaviour and blame mum fully for his behaviour and their expect mum to deal with.

Or maybe the kids are playing up because they can and they are kids and all the adults in their lives are all too busy blaming each other to actually discipline them.
It's not just down to OP - her ex should deal with them too but it definitely isn't the step mums responsibility.

I don't know why people keep suggesting that the OP's ex get a childminder, when she's said at least twice that she isn't happy about him doing this.

OP - you can do one of two things - remind your ex firmly that it is his responsibility to have the DC as agreed, and then be OK about him using a childminder or after school club. Or accept that you're choosing to take on the role of single/chief parent where you call the shots but also pick up all the responsibility if your ex declines.

But thinking more creativily, would there be a different contact pattern that would fit with his work and yours? What if he dropped them at your mum's after having them for dinner, or with her to take to school first thing?

Or could you suggest meeting with you ex and his DP to chat about the DC',s behaviour, swap ideas on how to deal with it, and see if she can be persuaded to pick up from school with a bit more support? I used 1p fines with DD when she was at a difficult age, which worked brilliantly, and allowing someone else the authority to do something like that (deducted from pocket money) gives them clear authority.

It can be really hard as a step mum to know how to handle a child who's misbehaving. As her own child is much younger she won't have much experience with your DS's age, she may be uncertain what sanctions she can enforce for bad behaviour, and she won't feel as secure in her own relationship with her DSC as you do with your own child. I can get as strict as I like with my own and still know they love me, but I don't feel that secure with my DSC, so it's much harder to be strict.

Also worth asking the kids what they want. If they're already doing overnights at your mum's because of your shift pattern, they may feel they're quite happy being at home with you a bit more and just going to their dad's on a Saturday morning. If you'd actually prefer them to be with you than with a childminder, then maybe the new arrangement isn't suiting everyone too badly?

Whatever you decide OP, you do need to just focus on you and your Ex, and if his behaviour is challenging, then it's not necessarily the best plan to just say 'get a childminder' or expect the SM to take up the slack. This boy needs attention now or will it get worse. And I say that thinking of you OP, you will be overwhelmed and just get more angry if it all falls on you.

Even if it means that both you and Ex have to rethink your flexibility, then if I were you I'd make this child the focus for the next few months. Have an honest chat with your Ex, say you understand the SM might not want to, but that you really need his time for your son. The boy probably really needs his Dad too. You could get help from the council child or youth services, try parenting classes, anything to give you both more support to get on top of his behaviour. Make sure that your Ex is including and get him on side. Get the schools to work with you.

Sorry about the rushed spelling, grammar...

Missgraeme
"So he expects u to find alternative care when u work but he won't?? Classic male responsibility aversion!!"

Classic not reading thread and projecting.