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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

A long (sorry) post about step child & property

44 replies

Collywobbler · 10/08/2016 09:22

potentially misleading title - I am not a step parent (as yet)
My partner and I are looking to buy a place together next year.

We are not married, we have no children together but my partner has one child from a previous marriage.
We have started to discuss wills and what happens in the events one of us dies. Obviously we will be taking legal advice but at the moment we just want everything straight in our heads before we even consider this because at the moment we can’t seem to agree on what’s fair.

So for the deposit I will be putting a bit more into it than he does just because I have more savings and it will bring the mortgage down. As far as I am concerned this will be my forever home and wont plan on moving ever again.

I am 99% sure that his son will come to live with us full time once we have bought this house which isn’t a problem at all but something to consider for the rest of this thread.
So my partner has stated that if he dies first he wants his share of the house to be left to his so, which obviously means we need to be tenants in common rather than joint tenants.
I have said that I don’t think this is fair and that it should go to me – after all it will be my entire life savings and hard work/money spent on the house whereas his DC has spent nothing yet gets a say in what happens to the house.

My partner doesn’t want to do this because he said I could potentially decide that’s its MY house and that his DC is no longer welcome living there and kick him out and then not leave it to him in my will when I die – fair enough I can see his point here but my feelings are that if he leaves his share to his DC then that means his DC could potentially decide he doesn’t want me living there anymore or decide to move in a new girlfriend or even (heaven forbid!) his mother!

My partner said he wants DC to continue to live there for as long as he wants and I cant do anything about it – fair enough but what happens if his DC grows up to be someone I can’t get along with, I have to move out of my own home and start again to get away from the situation?
What if he wants to start a family and moves them in, I would have no say?

I know you can put restrictions in place that I am allowed to remain in the house until the end of my days and that would be fine but I still don’t understand what sort of say his DC would have in the house in that situation, can he move in whoever he wants?

My OH has stated that if I were to meet someone else I wouldn’t be allowed to remain in the house as it wouldn’t be fair on his DC.

Now the way I see it – if my OH were to die I have all these rules and restrictions in place, whereas if I die then the house automatically goes to my OH no questions asked, no restrictions and he can meet someone else, move them in, sell it, leave it to a cats home if he wants whereas I cant do anything.

I have asked that perhaps the life insurance should go straight to his DC and then he can leave me with the house (and any remaining mortgage) but he’s not happy to do this – he wants the mortgage paid off but want his share to go directly to his DC.

I have also read that if his DC is under 18 then the exw is entitled to claim something from the estate to cover the maintenance? Not sure what would happen if his DC were living with us full time but if he decided not to then that needs to be taken into consideration.

I don’t know where to go with this now, it feels like I’m going to potentially be made homeless or be made to feel uncomfortable in my own home if my OH were to die.

OP posts:

wibblewobble8 · 11/08/2016 12:39

But...when I die it is then split proportionally, between the 4 kids. Therein lies the problem Eliza. Between your dp dying and your death you could quite easily change your mind/will should you wish/meet someone/fall out with said children. Your dsc would be at your mercy. Thats not something id leave to chance were it my child involved. Lets all look at the case of Lynda Bellingham as a classic example of not leaving stuff directly to your children.

OutToGetYou · 11/08/2016 13:17

Oh, it's the mil shopping guy. Ditch him.

HereIAm20 · 11/08/2016 13:28

I don't think I'd even consider buying with this man. It sounds like he wants it all his own way and giving you absolutely no consideration.

What would his decision be if you said ok then but on the basis that your 50% share will be left to your niece/nephew and not him and they would be able to move in when you died or force a sale or him have to buy them out! Maybe he'd see it clearly then. You should clearly be buying as tenants in common and also have a deed to reflect the amount you contributed by way of capital because if you do go ahead I would hate to see your post on here when it all goes horribly wrong.

IwannaSnorlax · 11/08/2016 13:41

Please don't buy a house with him Op, you need to look after yourself & put your financial security first.

ImperialBlether · 11/08/2016 14:00

Some of these posts are really worrying. There is no such thing as good will once someone's died and there are partners and relatives involved. Everything has to be nailed down in advance.

OP, now that it's revealed you're the poster with the nightmare ILs (and OH, tbh) I think you'd be literally out of your mind to buy a house with him. They all treat you like a cash cow and there's no respect at all for you.

Eliza22 · 11/08/2016 18:31

OP, pleeese.... Don't do it. Look after yourself. He's offering you nothing.

swingofthings · 12/08/2016 07:31

I have to say that I am with your OH. As a parent, my priority is to ensure that they would be safe if I passed away, especially as my partner is self-sufficient, as you seem to be too. I think your expectations to remind in this house forever is totally unreasonable. No one can be assured of this or has a right to it. When I moved with my partner (I had the kids, he didn’t), I made it clear that my share of my assets would go to my children and he was totally understanding of this, actually supportive of this. His words was that he wouldn’t want to stay in the house we shared anyway if I wasn’t there any longer. We later married, which did change the matter but by then we had two properties, so it was easy to agree that he would keep one and the kids would be entitled to the other.

Let’s face it, what you are asking him is to end up with 100% of the assets whilst his child, who has been in his life longer than you and who as a parent he should protect and supports gets 0. I can see that he would be resistant, especially if you haven’t been together for long. What is fair is that you draw the contract so that you would be entitled to 50% + the additional funds you’ve put in in the first place

sandgrown · 12/08/2016 07:49

Similar situation here. Watching with interest .

Eliza22 · 12/08/2016 08:21

My situation is "fair" because in the contract, legally drawn into our wills, we each "return" to our kids that percentage of the amount of money we have individually put in to the property. There's no ambiguity. BUT, if he dies first I CANNOT be made homeless because his kids want "their" money.

Hockeydude · 12/08/2016 08:54

This is worrying. You have used some cliches and you need to be very, very careful. Not just about the property but also the relationship. You have justified and excused the cliches to yourself and in doing so you have stuck your head firmly in the sand.

Re the exw "she really really is a total and utter nightmare". Now just think more carefully. Why did your OH marry and have a child with someone who is a total and utter nightmare. Did he sleepwalk through those years? Is he a "total and utter" idiot? Is his judgement severely impaired? You have excused it and shoved all the blame onto her which is almost certainly not the case. Did she get a personality transplant from the person he married? I'm not trying to be nasty or condescending, I'm trying to get you to think logically and critically rather than lapping up what he says.

The talk of a forever home. Again, you need to be realistic. He has two very important people - you and his ds and you are not related. He rightly wants to make provision for both but since it will not be practical for you to live together without him it will mean the splitting of the house in the event of his death. It will mean you living in a smaller house probably. Would you really want to keep the whole house and prevent or delay a child inheriting money from his dead father? Just the words forever home make me thing you are idealistic.

I am also very concerned about the talk of the son coming to live with you full time once you get this house. Why will the boy be removed from his mother to live in dreamland with you?

I'm not trying to be nasty but I find a lot of this stuff frustrating to read.

OTheHugeManatee · 12/08/2016 08:54

Just read your other thread. Don't move in with this guy.

Bomb · 12/08/2016 09:03

Can't you just carry on dating this guy. You get the good bits with none of the complications

wibblewobble8 · 12/08/2016 11:26

Eliza, Wills can be revoked by simply writing a new one. So whilst you may have contractually written into your current Will that your dp's children will get their father's share of the house (which would have been passed onto you on his death), the reality is once your dp dies you are free to write a new Will and ignore his children.

Eliza22 · 12/08/2016 11:40

Ah, didn't know that. Of course, I wouldn't do that. And he wouldn't do that to me. However, perhaps we need something other than a Will to make it watertight.

Thanks WibbleWobble

DinosaursRoar · 12/08/2016 11:40

A compromise would be that your dp also takes out a life insurance policy that pays to you so that if dss needs the money, you can buy him out - frankly if he doesn't want to live in the house as an adult, owns half of it, you have a right to live there for life, it's actually not much of an inheritance if he could lose his dad at 15 but not get his hands on the money until he's in his 50's - but would your dss has a duty to pay for half the upkeep?

Alternatively, put less money in, stop this being your forever house now, use the spare money to buy a buy to let property as if your dp dies, you need another investment to buy out dss or move into if he wants to buy you out.

Would you automatically get custody of dss if dp died before dss was 18?

DinosaursRoar · 12/08/2016 11:43

Oh missed this was mil shopping man. Don't buy with him.

You might want to start with living together for a bit in a rented place (from last thread you aren't living together) and have dss move in, see if that works.

swingofthings · 12/08/2016 12:30

but at the same time we need something fair put in place, I just don't know what!
What is fair is that each get back what they put in. What is done with that share is up to the person.

After all, if the relationship was not to work and he decides to go, you wouldn't be entitled to keep the house for yourself, so why should it be different if the separation is a result of death?

Ireallydontseewhy · 12/08/2016 13:25

I think Its not unreasonable if you have a ds aged 9, to want to ensure that if you die next week your assets go to that ds rather than to a dp. As a pp has said, life insurance doesn't always pay out, so leaving property is perhaps more certain. And some couples do do the 'tenants in common and life interest to spouse' solution, to protect adult dcs' inheritance from remarriage etc - though i can see that could give rise to problems!

This does sound difficult to find a solution that satisfies you both. I haven't read the other thread!

reallyanotherone · 12/08/2016 13:41

I bought the house in my sole name to avoid this.

Sdc will inherit their mum's (and dh's) house. Dh couldn't afford a mortgage and has no savings following the divorce. If i die? He has the right to remain until death or remarriage, the it goes to my kids.

In the op's circs, I'd look at buying a flat with my own money and letting it out. Then buying jointly with dh. If he dies sdc can buy you out, or you can sell and split the proceeds, and move into your flat.

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