Going for full custody/part custody, combining 2 families

[Lovemusic33]

A bit of a long story but I can't share too much detail.

I have 2 dc's age 12 and 10, DP has 2 dc's age 9 and 5. Dp has been living with me for 8 months and I was unaware of the situation with his dc's until a few months ago ( thought they would stay with his ex, and contact would be weekends ). Social services are now involved with his dc's and they are on the at risk register ( I can't go into details as to why ).
We are looking into getting full custody of them or at least part custody ( mon- fri ). This means combining our family together, moving house and moving his dc's to a new school.

Has anyone ever done this? And how has it ended up? I want good and bad stories. I know it's not going to be easy and I think I am hoping it won't come to us having full custody but looking at the situation at the moment we have no choice.

So you were up for a blended family if it was a blend that involved your children around most of the time and his children EOW?

That's not what the OP said.

There's a big difference between being a supportive stepparent, even with 50:50 care as my DH is, and expecting the stepparent to be primary carer to damaged DCs who have been removed from their abusive mother.

When my DH was in court, fighting for more time with his DCs, we discussed what we'd do if the court ordered a change of residency. I told him I'd move out with my DD. His DCs would be resentful and traumatised - I was not prepared to put DD or myself through that.

Personally think he should be sorting his kids out as if he was a single man. How can long term plans be made with such a short term relationship with u (no disrespect) ? If it's assumed u are sharing this new plan with him and it doesn't work out for u 2 where will that leave his kids? And if they have issues then maybe this full time new family will be too much for them to cope with anyway? Think maybe a new life with dad first and if it goes OK make plans with u and your kids further down the line.

Thank you Time, I didn't say we were going to have them EOW, Dp wants to go for full custody or for us to have them mon - fri every week. Things have now changed as she's refusing any contact so what ever happens he will need to go to court to get any kind of contact ( unless social services remove them ).

The fact that we haven't been together very long is my exact point, I'm still getting to know dp and his children, my children are still getting to know them, their mother has made it hard for me to have contact with them as she cuts dp's visits short so he can't bring them here. If this was a year 2 down the line then things would be much easier.

We have talked about him moving out but TBH I don't think he could cope with 2 kids and not working ( yes he could probably find a part time job but not in the area he is trained to work in ), his solicitor thinks he won't stand a chance in getting custody on his own ( obviously unless social services have to take them if they feel they're at risk with her ).

his solicitor thinks he won't stand a chance in getting custody on his own

Is his solicitor suggesting you are named on the Child Arrangement Order? That's a huge deal - it would give you PR for his DCs - which isn't easily reversible!

You are going to find yourself guilted into becoming their primary carer. Can I ask, has he started suggesting you have a child together yet? It sounds like he's trying to back you into a corner and this would be the next step.

My kids have special needs, changes effect them more than most kids

I have only met his children a handful of times

it would mean me moving my children as we would need a bigger house, possibly moving their schools

my dc's have had their lives turned upside down, they are just getting to know dp and have only just got regular contact with their own father

For the love of God OP read the above that you have said and realize that this is definitely not a good idea!

We had one of DPs 'difficult' kids move in full-time for several years. It was hard as it wasn't recognised that I kind of became the main parent, was resented for it and it all went a bit wrong.

I'd say you can't have enough chats with your partner about this, and I'd even consider having couple counseling once a month for a while. To help with any difficulties. I do hope it goes well for you, but it is an enormous pressure. I'd say possibly even more difficult than adoption - with my DSD I was in the impossible situation of her still being 'remotely' parented by her mum, totally refusing any help or discipline from me, her Dad working a lot, and yet her having all these unmet needs. Bit of a nightmare. At least with adoption you get professional support!

How long have you been together?

I don't buy everything your DP is saying. He has withheld critical information from you before moving into your home, and I think he's spinning you a line on what SS are saying now - do they really withhold residence from single parents for working? He is also being disingenuous about finances - you say he has a good job and can support everyone financially and you'll move house to a larger place to accommodate everyone (which will of course cost money) but he can't afford a solicitor to sort out a really critical issue with his own kids? Don't buy it. He's looking to use you as an easy option. I think you're getting a hard ride from some posters, and you should prioritise your own children, but CurlyMoo's summary of your own words should really put things into focus for you. S