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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Do you provide childcare for your dsc?

47 replies

Iloveapplepie · 29/07/2016 09:18

My dss is on school holidays. Is it my 'duty' to provide childcare so my oh can work?

I work part-time and there are some days when I don't work that dss is in our care, but I have my dd (not oh's) to look after.

They are the same age and when I have looked after them both together on my own before, I have found it exhausting and extremely stressful for all involved!

They clash a bit and I find myself disciplining my dd when it should be dss - but I'm scared to tell him off in case it gets back to his mum. I also find that I need to watch them lots as otherwise they will bicker - I find I become a bit of a referee!

I'll be on maternity when the next holidays are around and my oh said that I can look after baby and both the children. I asked if he was joking!! My friends tell me it's my role as a step mum that I shouldn't treat them differently, which is true, but I would never dream of asking my oh to look after my dd, I would seek support from her dad's family or my family.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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DontMindMe1 · 29/07/2016 20:10

he NEVER takes days off during the school holidays

tough shit if he doesn't get paid - better get a job with paid holidays then hand't he?! Willing enough to drop his trousers but not willing enough to change his lifestyle?!

why the fuck have kids with a 'man' who NEVER takes time off to spend with his family in the school holidays???!!!

I'd tell him either he makes changes to accommodate his growing family or he buggers off. If you're going to have to act like a single parent then you may as well do it properly.

LBOCS2 · 30/07/2016 01:49

The way I see it is that it's a two way thing. Either
a) you're being asked to parent him (looking after him for free for example) in which case it's perfectly reasonable for you do hold him to the same standards you do your own DD and act accordingly (everyone compromises occasionally on what they want to do, backchat is not tolerated) or
b) you're not being asked to parent, you get no say in his upbringing - in which case you have no obligation to provide any sort of parental function for him, including that of being 'the other parent' who is around to do the job of childcare whilst one of you works.

swingofthings · 30/07/2016 11:46

I think it is very wrong that your OH should just assumed that you would look after his DS rather than discussing it with you. No, you don't owe him to look after his child. However, it makes sense to discuss it because whatever he would need to pay in childcare cost is money that is lost for the whole family, so financially, you might agree that at least in theory, it makes sense that you should look after him.

If the issue is mainly one of discipline, they again, your OH should be involved and not just leave it to you to deal with. He should have a serious talk with his son and make it clear to him that just like he is expected to respect his teacher when at school and he has given the right to his teacher to discipline him, the same applies to you. He needs to discuss with you the essential rules that will apply and then both of you seating down both children and telling them. Then maybe you can agree on a reward for good behaviour that can be shared at the end of the day or the week.

Cosmo111 · 30/07/2016 21:19

poppiedoodles said it perfectly surely he's part of the family unit especially as you will be blending the family further with a baby. This little boy has much equal right to be part of the family as does your daughter.

You don't want to end up with him feeling like an outsider. Siblings in general bicker it's quite normal and if they same age and different gender can clash. Surely you would consider your own feelings towards him before having a baby with his DF? My DH has looked after my DS even though he's not his no questions asked, he wouldn't expect me to seek altertive childcare for as he's part and parcel of me we come as a package.

I think it would send a clear message he's not wanted or part of the family if you put him in childcare whilst your at home with your DD. What about when the babies here will he still be shuttled off to childcare whilst your at home with the baby and DD?

ohnoppp · 30/07/2016 21:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Vegetablegarden · 30/07/2016 22:32

Don't be fooled by the arguments that 'everyone is now all part of your family now therefore just get on with it'. Step families are not called blended families for a reason. It is fraught with odd dynamics and difficulties and so does not just 'gel' into a single family.

And as you, being forced into the role of main parent while the child's own parents are working, are being given all the responsibility but all the trickiness too.

IF, and it is a big IF - you and your OH have 'blended' so well that you can parent with as much confidence and built up trust as their own parents, and IF your DSS also feels confident and accepting of you in that role, then it could work.

However, most of the time, in REAL LIFE this is not the case.

The step child can also quickly get very resentful of the situation too. And your own family dynamics (yes original family) can suffer too.

Cosmo111 · 30/07/2016 22:59

*Vegetable*surely if another child of is been brought into the situation it goes from being a step family to a blended family given there's a biological link to the new addition. He should not be excluded on this time but embraced into the new family as part of a member.

swingofthings · 31/07/2016 07:49

step family of blended, I believe (as a resident parent) that children remain the responsibility of their own parents not the step-parent. I have never thought for a second that just because my OH and I decided that we wanted to share our lives together, and that indeed, he was taking my children with me, that he had a duty to act as a dad towards them. I never expected him to look after my kids just from the fact that we are now married and one unit. They are NOT his children. Even after 5 years living together as a family, I would still ask him if he could pick up or take my kids somewhere, let alone ask him to look after them (although they are now teenagers, so wouldn't apply any longer).

sandgrown · 31/07/2016 08:09

When my stepchildren were younger I often cared for them on my days off. I took them on holiday on my own ( with my family) if their dad had to work. The result is that I have a great relationship with them as adults and they are very close to their younger brother (the child of myself and DP). My DSD and my DS used to fight when they were younger but no more than any siblings. I did not have a problem telling them off though!

TimeforaNNChange · 31/07/2016 10:13

I agree with swing.

My DD lives 50:50 between me and her dad and has a stepparent in each.

My ex always relies on his DW to be equally responsible for DD - she would see DD off to school in the mornings, be there overnight when ex was working away, pick her up and ferry her around.

On the other hand, I've never been away from home overnight when DDs with us, I see her of to school every day, do all the fetching and carrying and on the very odd occasion that I'm not available, I have "asked" DH whether he would be willing to do it, but have an alternative planned so he's under no obligation.

Being a 'blended' family does not mean that all the adults treat all the DCs as if they are their own. It means that there are diffenrt dynamics and responsibilities between the DCs and adults in the family - that's why it's so bloody hard!

swingofthings · 31/07/2016 10:26

Indeed, and it is the same with step-parents. OH's mum is in her mid 80s and on her own. She is now at the stage when she needs more support and as she lives near us, it falls unto us. It is an unspoken rule that whereas I would always help my DD caring for his mum, she is his responsibility and I would expect him to take her to appointments etc... and only ask me if he really couldn't do it. I have at times offer to do it myself, but he will then thank me for it rather than assume that it is my duty as his wife.

swingofthings · 31/07/2016 16:24

Sorry, should have clarified, by step-parents I mean partner's parents.

howtodowills · 01/08/2016 10:43

I had a similar thread on this topic a few weeks ago...

I don't think it's your responsibility but it is your DPs responsibility to maintain the same percentage of care in holidays as the rest of the year. If you and your DP decide this means you doing it then that is up to you as a couple to work Out.

Be firm though. I am also going on mat leave soon and DPs ex is already talking about how I wont be working and should be able to do more running around of their girls. Um NO!!

MeAndMy3LovelyBoys · 01/08/2016 12:04

Be firm though. I am also going on mat leave soon and DPs ex is already talking about how I wont be working and should be able to do more running around of their girls. Um NO!!

Yeah, because mat leave is all meant to be revolved around running for your stepdaughters. FFS. What a cheeky entitled cow.

MeAndMy3LovelyBoys · 01/08/2016 12:05

running about for your stepdaughters

DollyBarton · 01/08/2016 12:08

You want to be with your OH then you need to accept his DC are part of that deal.

Now who looks after your (communal) children on which day is a discussion between you and him based on potential lost income and fair free time for the two of you. It should be nothing to do with who owns which child. You took on another child when you decided to live with him and having a second child is stressful.

MotherOfDragons27 · 01/08/2016 12:19

I'm curious as to why your OH is working on 'his' days with his son? Shouldn't he be actually spending time with him as that is the whole point of access??

MeAndMy3LovelyBoys · 01/08/2016 12:49

Mother normal life carries on when your children are with you, including having to work. It's not a bad thing that he will be working- it's just.... normal.

Original poster

Iloveapplepie · 02/08/2016 19:55

Thank you so much for everyone's comments. I suppose it is hard because We are a family, I will cook and wash clothes for everyone - there's no my kids/yours. However I am not my dsc mum and likewise my oh is not my dd's dad. There are, I feel, certain responsibilities that are the parents. For example, if my dd was poorly, it would be for my exH and I to sort out childcare if neither could take time off work, I wouldn't ask my oh to as dd is not his responsibility as such.

But like pp have said it isn't fair for dss to go off to paid childcare whilst I am able to provide it. I think I need to have a conversation with oh and discuss the fact that when he is in my 'care' I will treat him as my own and if he does play up, I need to have the support that I can say no and say that it's unacceptable etc.

OP posts:

CatsAndCocktails · 02/08/2016 20:04

I think making sure you have the support from your DP for if DSS plays up will make things easier for you. Children and siblings do squabble and bicker so the likelihood is you would be experiencing this, even if both children were your own. However, as you are now a family, it could be good for both your DSS and DD to bond together better, as well as you and your DSS.

Remember that finances that go on childcare for DSS mean a reduced household income for your new baby. Make it clear that you are not to be expected to always look after DSS but I'd advise making the effort to do so wherever you can.

Good luck.

MumOfTwoMasterOfNone · 02/08/2016 23:14

100% not your responsibility. If you want to do it, great, but it's not your child and you don't feel they listen, it's probably not even safe.
I would never look after DSC without DP. Ever! But we've also had incidents where DSC have said I've done/said things that I haven't, which luckily DP knows has been a lie because he was there. But I've said I never want to be alone with them because I don't know what they would accuse me of!
I have enough on my plate with two children under 3 without two more.

howtodowills · 03/08/2016 06:53

By all means make the effort to look after SS when he's in your and DPs responsibility but don't for a second feel obliged to do it for EXW.

Either way you need to be able to discipline a child living in your home effectively

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