DP is a pushover

[IslandLife]

I'll try to keep this as short as poss! I have 2 DSDs (8 and 12 - different mothers) they spend every other weekend with us, occasionally we have one at a time. In our old house when we just had the youngest, she wouldn't sleep on her own in her room - it's was quite far away from our room, up a different staircase and house was very old. We recently moved into a new house and made it clear way before we moved that she would be sleeping in her own room. We let her choose the decor, colours, pictures, colours, accessories etc... Filled it with her toys and she has a TV and DVD player. We moved in and she loved it, slept on her own for a couple of nights....then older DSD arrived and she wanted to sleep in the same room as her - they both like doing that. Now 2 months down the line, she will not sleep in there on her own. She makes up any excuse she can, cries hysterically. DP managed to get her to sled there once but she kept coming into our room until we let her sleep there. She will also go up to bed and then bring all her bedding into our room and sets up camp on the floor. I'm pregnant and have told DP that he needs to address this issue, but he always lets her get her own way as he believes that he shouldn't upset her as he only sees her every other weekend. I don't want this to still be going on when the baby arrives as she'll be upset that the baby gets to sleep in our room and she doesn't.

Am I right to want to get her into the routine of sleeping in her lovely room or should we just let her sleep in ours?? Sorry for the long explanation!!

We had a similar issue when dss was about 6. We did a reward system where he got a treat for staying in his own bed all night. He decided after just ONE night when he realised we were serious about no treat if he came in without good reason, that he would play ball. He has never come in our room again during the night except nightmares and stuff. If she can stay in bed at her mums she can do it at yours too.

I don't mind her sleeping on the bedroom floor, I just think she should be in her room, plus I wouldn't want her to be disturbed when the baby wakes, and if she is disturbed, she'll want to get up and be involved. Also spent far too much money on beautiful bedrooms for the whole family to be camped out in one room!

Anyway, as I mentioned, it all seems to be going in the right direction, so fingers crossed it continues. I know she's jealous that the the new baby will get to spend every day with her Dad when she doesn't, but we're working very hard together (and her mum too) to help her through this.

It's not put up and shut up. The ops not complaining she's being rude, destructive, disobedient ect or saying they have a horrible relationship. I expect the little girl just wants to be close to her dad and step mum. She doesn't see a lot of them and obviously still needs that closeness or she'd be in her own room voluntary.

My Ds crawled into bed or on my floor until he was about 7. He's now older and it stopped by itself without a big hoo ha and strict instructions to stay upset in his own bed. I really would leave it for a while op. She won't be doing this as a pre teen let alone a teenager.

If you know she will be jealous of leave her where she is.

I'm 26 weeks and know I'm going to have a few issues with dd2 as clingy with me now and it's getting worse the bigger my belly gets!

Tackle this from the view point that dsd is your bio child and how you would deal with it.

If let her sleep on the floor under the strict instruction that she is to be as quite as a mouse and not try and help when it's dark. I bet she would soon get fed up when the novelty wears off. Also it might help her deal with it all of she is right in 'the mix' so to speak. If she was your bio child she would be in your bed bring a bloody pain (like my dd2) it's like musical beds here in the night

It won't last for ever and it's not her fault she is feeling like this. This is down to the adults in her life to help her get through it

There really is no reason why a child this age can't be in her own bed especially when she does sleep in her bed at her mums. Give her a good bedtime routine with plenty of one on one, story, whatever and ask her to stay in her own bed. I don't know why people let their kids sleep on their bedroom floor rather than their own bed. Not everyone would let their own child bunk down on the floor to avoid dealing with a problem otherwise why are there so many threads about getting children to sleep?

I 'jump to that conclusion' because it appears from my experience, friends, family and posts on here...that this is the usual story!

At 8, she should be able to separate her life from that of a newborn and jealousy shouldn't really be anticipated. As you say, it sounds like you are all working through it so I'm sure it will be fine and she'll fall in love with the baby too.

I 'jump to that conclusion' because it appears from my experience, friends, family and posts on here...that this is the usual story!
I think that's from your own perception and you do tend to jump to that conclusion even when very little information is provided. I don't have a doubt that there are some Disney dads around, but I don't think it is fair or correct to assume the second a dad doesn't agree with his partner how a situation involving a step child should be handled that it is because he is a Disney dad. Sometimes dads do know better than SMs.

Sometimes dads do know better than SMs.

I disagree. Only a SM can know what is 'best' for herself.

The SM must speak up for herself and present her own needs, not expect her DH to know, and for him to weigh them up objectively against the needs of his DC.

I really feel for you with this one. I have no DCs, but over the years have had lots of battles with OH about SS being in our bedroom. It is one thing (in fact the main thing) that I am just not prepared to compromise on. It's the one space in the house that is child-free and where I can go for some privacy and quiet.

Early days he used to try and get in in the night or come in in the morning, and we have had several periods of 'but my mummy lets me sleep in her bed'. I have been really clear with OH that I have absolutely no issue if he wants to go and sleep in with SS if he's lonely, or take him back into the other room and cuddle with him in the morning, but our room is out of bounds.

As SMs I feel we (rightly) compromise so much of our lives and wants for our OHs children, there have to be some things where we make a stand and have our wishes respected.

I think you are totally reasonable to expect an 8 year old to sleep in her own room, and it's down to her dad to manage how that happens, whether he sleeps in with her for a bit or otherwise. Pleased for you that it appears to be going well so far!

I disagree. Only a SM can know what is 'best' for herself.
You misunderstood. I was talking about what is best for the child, ie. what is being perceived by the SM as acting as a Disney dad actually sometimes being the right thing for the child even if SM doesn't like it.

SM have the choice to ignore what her partner does with his children as long as it doesn't directly impact on her. My OH thinks I'm way to soft with my teenagers about the state of their bedrooms. I do not accept it, but I don't go on and on and on about it every day as he would like me to. My view is that they do need to learn that having a pig sty of a room is not acceptable, but I don't want to define the person they are by the state of their room and I am totally confident that they will grow at of it. I wasn't that much better than them but grew to be a very tidy adult (and now am even too tidy at times!).

I'm sure he thinks I am a Disney mum when it comes to this, but I think he is wrong and I am sticking to my decision about how to tackle the problem. The compromise is that they can't leave a mess anywhere else in the house. It is DH's choice if he walks into their room and gets angry with what he sees. He's now accepted that it is indeed better to ignore it and by doing so it isn't actually impacting on his life.

Well our own perceptions are what we have to wrk with!

An 8yr old will not get jealous - someone please have a reality check.

Of course she will be jealous, new baby, loads of attention, presents etc and less attention on her. Plus new baby gets Daddy all the time.

she is telling everyone something about her insecurity right now, but without being rude aggressive, tantrummy etc.

My 2 , 8 and 5 when their new sib arrived in the other house. Lots of tears, lots of we have to share our time with Dad even more now. Not helped by his new DP leaving him holding the baby everytime they were round - so no time with Dad kicking a ball because thenew child was v high maintenance.

They love their new sib but it was hard work and lots of positive re inforcement that this was a good thing. ( It was not - has been a complete disaster but hey ho, we soldier on)

I would ask where she thinks the cot shoudl go in your room and help her choose stuff, so she feels involved but also get an idea of how cramped it would be.

With luck, as you said, it's improving now but otherwise I would be saying he should take her back to her room and stay with her till she settles, so it's him losing sleep/ space, not you.

Let DH take her back to her room and sleep in there with her.

she is telling everyone something about her insecurity right now, but without being rude aggressive, tantrummy etc

This with bells on.

My kids were 8 and 11 when their half sister was born on their dad side. No jealousy whatsoever, they were both really excited and did see her arrival as a threat to their time with their dad.

It might be the case in the OP, but considering the problem has been present for quite some time (was already an issue in the old house), I think it jumping the guns to assume that her insecurities are definitely caused by the forthcoming arrival of a half sibling.

Poor kid has a chaotic life. She is only 8 and her dad has three different baby mamas to date. And her mother is bringing other partners and their kids in and out of the scene. No wonder she feels displaced and anxious about her position in the 'family.'.

Get an air bed for her room; if she gets up her dad can take her back to her room & sleep in there with her. And try to get some counseling for her.

Lilac - Just to clarify, her mother has only had one partner since splitting with Dad, therefore has only introduced this person into her life. And I am the only partner her Dad has had since they split. Neither one of us were introduced into her life on a whim!

Swing - I agree...I don't think it's the new baby that's making her feel like this, and she's very sweet about the pregnancy... She always rubs my tummy and says goodnight to it and offers to carry my handbag. I know she'll be a bit jealous when she's born though. Bedtime has been going well though, she keeps making excuses to come in to our room but so far DP has managed to get her back to her own bed.