Just looking for some advice

[user1469031748]

Hello all. I'm new to this and have no idea about all of the acronyms, so apologies if I get some wrong.

I'm new to the role of 'sort of' step-parenting. I've been with the father of the two children, one DSD and DSS, both 5-9, for a year.

I met them very early on, despite my reservations, as it was important to my partner that we got on.

I'm incredibly lucky in that both children are really positive about me, and whilst my partner's relationship with his wife (their divorce is on-going, but has nothing to do with me) is really fraught, to me she is the kids' mother and that relationship is completely sacrosanct. although I will admit to being somewhat nervous about the thought of actually interacting with her.

My problem is that my partner moved in with me a few months ago, and after some initial fraught discussions where I was accused of being selfish and not liking the kids when I asked that I be involved in plans made about when the children might come and stay (I know that parental relationships can be really fraught after a break up but it think it's fair enough to be asked) it got better.

Now the problem is that I'm a bit overwhelmed in the house when the kids are here. As I've said, I'm incredibly lucky in that they are fond of me, and I know that this might not always be the case, but whilst my partner can tell the kids to go off and amuse themselves, I find it a lot harder, as the relationship is a lot more tenuous. Because their dad is a lot more hands off (and that isn't a judgement, he's a great dad) they seek my attention all of the time - sometimes physically hanging off me, or waiting outside the bathroom door when I've gone to the toilet. If I ask their dad if I can have a few moments to myself, he agrees but expects them to leave me alone because he tells them to, rather than, say, engaging them in an activity for a bit. Sometimes he doesn't even notice that they've come in to me, and then I feel awful because when I tell them that their drawing/idea is lovely, but to pop back into the living room, he hears and gets cross at them, and that's the last thing I want.
I feel a bit like when I'm there, he can do whatever he wants and dip in and out of their attention, but I don't have that choice.
It was really stressing me out, so I tried to go out and ensure that I had some time to myself, but then my partner calls me repeatedly and asks when I'll be back, or if he organises to take them out, and I say I'll stay at home, he tells me that the kids would really like it if I came.
I tried to talk to him about it last week. I told him that I was feeling really overwhelmed and a bit lonely, and he said that he'd move out if I weren't up to it. And got really defensive about his children, which I completely understand, but I was only trying to explain that I'm not sure how to address them repeatedly calling me "mama" (I always tell them that they have a mum) or asking about whether I'll ever have children (he said to tell them that it's none of their business, which I'm not sure about, as it really is). He then told me that his relationship with them is being damaged because he's always telling them to be quiet because I asked them to not shout to tell me things at the same time.
I got really upset, and he completely shut down and ignored me.
Am not really sure how to manage the situation best - I work with kids, but have none of my own, so I just wanted some guidance as to how to manage them, but I don't really think he gets how tough it is for me. The main thing I want is for the kids to be stable and happy, because it's much harder for them, and I know it's tough for him, too, but I feel like if I fulfil the role he wants me to then I've nothing left for myself, and if I step back then I'm being unfair on the kids and him.

I'm just looking for any sort of tips and advice.

Thanks.

Hi NZMonkey - thanks for this - it's always good to remember the lovely things, too. I think that you're right to recommend talking and making time for myself; you sound like you're doing it well. I think that if I carry on and lose all sense of myself I really will be nothing but childcare, and whilst that's useful, it's not terribly appealing on the whole for a partner. I'll be happier and probably a lot more fun to be around for everyone.

Thanks again for your advice. I hope it continues to go well for you. X

Your OH sounds like the typical dad many mums complain about, ie. a lazy parent, one who is happy to be called a parent, who talks with pride of his kids, who loves to spoil them and then be told what a wonderful daddy he is, but when it comes to picking up the not so fun part of being a parent, expect everyone else to pick up the responsibility for him.

We all know what it is like when kids are hanging on to you to be entertained and want to interact with you when all you want is some peace and quiet for a bit and a lot of the time, you take it upon yourself because that is what parents do. For your OH not only not to do so and expect you to pick this part of being a parent, and then try to make you feel guilty when you don't is just manipulative. I expect his behaviour is nothing new as clearly the children have learnt that if they want attention, they need to come to you rather than their dad.

I think you need to be very clear with him pretty quickly that even though you do care for his children and enjoy their company, you are not prepared to be a substitute for him being their parent during the week-ends they come to see HIM. He will probably get the hump to start with and try to turn it around to say that you don't care for them. Ignore it and let him get on with it. If he doesn't get it, then you'll know where you stand.

Thank you Swingofthings. I think you're right. Am going to have to be clear about the expectations regarding my role. Perhaps some tough conversations, but they do need to happen.

Thanks for your advice.

I could have written this. It doesn't get any better with age. My youngest of FIVE step kids are 13 & 15 - they both stand in my tiny kitchen while I cook on a Friday night talking AT ME while my partner sits on his phone. If they do my head in I'm accused of not liking them - they don't listen to a word he says and the talking and giggling through films often infuriates me so much I go to bed - he then says I effect his relationship with them as he's always having to tell them off for "doing my head in" or "getting in my way" - he can never just tell them off for being annoying it's always pinned on me. I'm sure my partner thinks I'm a monster coz I don't want his 15 year old daughter in the bathroom with me when I'm having a bath!

Hi user1469451937, that sounds really hard. Did talking to your partner help at all? I haven't done so yet. I had a lovely Sunday back where I'm from at a friend's toddler's birthday party. My partner jokingly complained about it being a terrible way to spend a day and about how he'd done his time at toddler's parties. I suggested that I thought of them as my children and suck it up. I should possibly avoid the passive-aggressive route though!

Thanks, and I hope things get a bit easier for you.