AIBU to feel annoyed at stepsons mother.

[BITCAT]

Tbh I really try to get on with my stepsons mother. He spends a couple of days here of a weekend, we used to have him during the week but that stopped because he didn't like our rules of no TV on a school night. He is only 8 and rules his house at home. His mother constantly makes excuses for him and his behaviour, she's says he is autistic and doesn't sleep. Yet he sleeps just fine at ours?? The problem I have is his mother won't accept my house my rules. He broke my daughters toy on purpose and he was told off then his mother rings up saying he didn't do it on purpose and he can't lie.
She always tries to make everything my kids fault. She's not got a great track record with raising kids. Her eldest has just come out of prison, her 16 year old daughter put herself in foster care and is now pregnant. I'm fed up of her acting like my kids are mean. I think I've done a fair job my 17 year old son is polite has a young lady and has not got any young ladies pregnant, her son is only 23 he has around 5 kids and one on the way..none of which he sees and many are in care.
I am not willing to change my rules or my parenting..I just don't want it to become a big problem between me and dp.
How would any of you guys handle the situation?

Your problem is your dp, if she is truly neglecting him then he is just as bad for letting it go on.

You sound full of condemnation for the mum but your partner can't be bothered to try and improve things. Are you sharing out the blame or do you think parenting is only a woman's responsibility?

TimeforaNNChange thank you I will try and use that in future. The advice is much appreciated.
By the way he lives 10mins up the road..and his mum rung this morning to say he wasn't coming today because he has been being sick. That's how we know he is unwell. Dp is going to walk up to see him in a little while.

Social Services making visits on a Saturday?

Because it costs money to get legal advice etc. And it's money we don't have. Low income. You cannot get legal aid for these things anymore either otherwise it would be a different story.
My dp is much stricter than she is..when he is here. She's one of those women that uses her child as a weapon if he disagrees or pulls her up on anything. There's nothing he can do. But I will take on some of the advice and I will try to concentrate on the times when he is here and not concern myself with other things. It's hard because I do care about him. I hope our influences rub off on him a little.

Cannotlogin Yep. They were there yesterday. They do because they have to work around children's and parents schedules. I didn't pry as to why they were there.

his mum rung this morning to say he wasn't coming today because he has been being sick. That's how we know he is unwell.

Sadly, unless your DP is willing to change, then all you can do is accept it. I'm not surprised she is hostile if you are extending advice on how she should care for her DS who lives with her.

Your DP is making excuses. There is lots he can do - all he needs to do is spend time researching and finding out what his responsibilities are. Libraries are free. He can seek support from the school - they have to remain impartial by law - engage with Social Services, who have a duty to work with both parents, find support from separated parenting charities ( there are lots). He can represent himself in court - it won't take long to save for the court fee if you make cut backs (packed lunches are cheaper than school dinners, TV license is £12.50 a month etc).
It sounds as if your DP has given up and you are blaming his ex instead of looking closer to home.

Social Services making visits on a Saturday?

Yes. They do. I know this is fact. If they believe a child is at serious risk they will go any day of the week.

OP. - as the child abides by your rules, then ignore his mother. I'd stop responding to her calls and any messages, which don't require a response.

Every parent who doesn't reside with their DCs other parent, has to get used to the fact that there will be different rules in the two homes and unless it causes harm, they have to suck it up.

YY Sandy - There are always duty social workers on call, and the "lower risk" cases often get lower priority, leading to visits at antisocial and unusual hours.
I've had a social worker traipsing through my home late at night in response to a call the preceding day from DHs ex saying her DCs "no longer wanted" to be with their dad (court ordered contact) and that he was refusing to let them go home.

Btcat it's really hard isn't it, it's very hard to win really, I've been described as over bearing by the mum, I'm trying to work out what it means really cos I don't know what I've done. Apparently our house is always filthy and I don't do their washing on time.

There is nothing wrong with having your own rules op, I must admit ours wouldn't like it if there was no tv before bed but that's up to you. I have different rules regarding washing because there is 6 of us and our children are between 10 and 13 I expect them to put their own clean washing away I put it on a pile on their bed, though I do hang up things I've just ironed but apparently that's not what happens in their mums house so that makes me over bearing anyway my point is , it is hard but I guess they need to get used to 2 different houses rules hard I know but it sounds like your dss is very well cared for in your house , that's all u can do , his ex here causes a lot of problems so I do understand x

Thank you Rosewine72 at last someone who gets me. I'm not a horrible person I care sometimes maybe too much. But I guess I will just concentrate on making sure his time here is good and that he gets the care and disapline he needs whilst here. I suppose that's all we can do. And we do allow TV for around 30mins before bed but it had to go off at 8pm on a school night. If it's a weekend then they are allowed it till they wish within reason. But I believe sleep is important on a school night that's why we have the rule of TV off at 8. I don't think that's unreasonable..but I know different people have different rules. His mum was told no TV by a specialist because he doesn't sleep well as its a stimulus but she ignored it as he apparently cried and shouted, he has never done that here as we stick to rules here regardless of any tantrums..she gives in if anything is too hard. I will just accept I can't change her but I can try to help him at least.

I'd be getting DP to contact social services and getting advice on how to have DSS full time.
Sounds very frustrating OP.