Calling step mum 'mummy'

[Sparklemummyx0x0x]

Hi, don't know if this has been a topic previously. Sorry if it has.

My son is 5, his dad and I split amicably when he was a year old. Shortly after, the ex met his now wife. No issues with this, she's nice, has a 9yr old daughter herself who my son refers to as his sister. Again, no issues, after all, this situation is all he's ever known.
However, the other night, we were just chatting and I can't remember how it came up but he said he had 2 mummies, I said, no you only have 1 mummy and 1 step mummy and I asked if he ever called her mummy, as normally we and he have always said her name. He said he has sometimes called her mummy.
I was surprised and now cant help feeling really upset and put out about this and a bit pissed that they would allow him to do that. It's not as if I'm not around or not in his life. I also can't help thinking that they do this when it suits them, as in playing happy families when out for the day or for meals, like calling her mummy looks better for them.
I know her daughter calls my ex 'dad'. That's fine if her own dad doesn't mind (he's also very much in her life) but I feel really upset that they dismiss my role like that by not discouraging him. I know she treats him like she does her own daughter, her family the same, and I'm very grateful for this, I know it could be much worse.
I'm not sure if I'm being a bit OTT about this.
Should I mention it to the ex? I've told my son I don't want him calling her mummy but doubt he realises how it's hurt me.
A couple of people I've spoke to said they would be furious but they only have my view.

My DSs went through a phase of calling me mummy. I very gently corrected him, trying not to reject him and hurt him unnecessarily. While I understand mothers feel hurt by it, I'm sure many SMs try their best to navigate it without hurting anyone. Today my SSon said he wished I was his mummy, but I haven't taken that as a fact, if you see what I mean, but rather a statement of love and appreciation for our relationship. He is only 6 so hasn't even considered his beloved mum in saying it, but hearing him say it would break her heart.

You say that he sometimes calls her Mummy, but that doesn't necessarily mean they're endorsing it. My stepdaughter is 4, and she sometimes calls me "Mummy". I always correct her "I'm not Mummy, I'm Name" because I'm not sure that her mum would like it (although her mum isn't massively involved). I'm currently pregnant and I'm sure this will get harder when the baby arrives, as obviously I will be "Mummy" to the baby.

Someone else mentioned up thread that they called their friend's mum their second mum and I had a childminder from when I was a few months old until I was 10, and I still refer to her as my "other mum", and I have/had many "Aunties" and "Nannas" who weren't related to me at all so I guess I don't see those titles as completely sacred - they just refer to a nice lady who looked after me and gave me cuddles , but with all of the complicated relationships in a separated/blended family I can see why you wouldn't want your DS to call his step-mum "Mummy"

It's so difficult this one. I think it's more common for children to call a new DP of a resident parent 'Mum' or 'Dad' than the non- resident parent.

OP you are irreplaceable to your son no matter what he calls you or anyone else. To him, at this age, it's just a word but you and his Dad are his world

I have been with DP for 3.5 years and his DC have never called me Mum. His ex is remarrying after a relatively brief relationship and they are getting a new Daddy. My MIL is more outraged than my DP though but he was a little put out. I did explain that he is their step dad though!

I guess they want both of their DC to feel part of a family unit when they are together. It would break my heart to hear my children call someone else Mummy, but try your best not to take it to heart even if he does.

YANBU op

I appreciate everyone's stories, opinions and advice, thank you.

Well my son is currently abroad for 2 weeks with his dad. Obviously I'm looking forward to him coming home on Saturday but worried about what he's been calling her whilst I'm not there.
I don't know if it's really bad, and now I feel bad for doing it, but before he went I gently told him a few times not to call her 'mummy' as it didn't feel nice for me and just before I dropped him off the night before, asked him.."so what do you not do when you're away?" And the first thing he said before things like not run away or go in the pool alone etc, was 'don't call xxxx mummy" in some ways I feel embarrassed if he mentions it, but then if he does, maybe they would know I I feel.

Like someone previously said, if he's not seen me for 4-5 days, the first couple of times I get called 'dad...' then he realises before he finishes the word and turns it into 'mummy'.

I think I'll notice when he talks about the holiday if he says her name then I know it came naturally, just like it does at home with me.

I'm glad your not my mum.

That's a bit off, NZmonkey.

OP, I'd feel desperately hurt in that situation, too. My kids don't have a dad anymore (he passed away) nd no-one but their daddy will ever be called that.

I think you know already that embroiling your son directly in this conflict by telling him not to call her mummy might not have been wise, no?

Maybe try and keep quiet about it now with hm. The more it is discussed, the more the idea will get into his head, I reckon.

My DSD is 6 but when through a stage from age 3-4 of occasionally calling me 'mummy' - and she always got a gentle "well I'm a bit like a mummy but you only have one mummy and one daddy, you don't need any more". Other than that she has always just called me Kelly. She definitely sees me as a parent, and now DH and I are married and she's figured out what a step-parent is she calls me her step-mum, but I would never allow her to call me mummy. It's disrespectful when her actual mum is such a big part of her life.

Wow, that poor kid. You really behaved like that before he went away?

You spoke to ex, he knows you don't like it. You liked and respected them before this. You only think that they might have encouraged this but have absolutely no grounds for that except your insecurity. You have no issue with the step sibling calling your ex 'dad'.

I get that you're struggling but you need to get a bit of perspective here, she's not replacing you. You're not going anywhere. Your son is making sense of where everyone fits in.

Now you're browbeating a child into your way of thinking, so much so that the child thinks it's higher on the list of priorities than keeping himself safe. Or 'what do you need to remember?' 'That you love me and will miss me mum'.

Maybe use this space to get some perspective.

Oh dear, if you reread your update you might realise how unhealthy and unfair it is to put that much pressure on a child.

My step children sometimes call me mum or mummy. At first it made me very uncomfortable because I knew how it would make their mother unhappy but ultimately i care more about their happiness, I do not correct them if they call me it now.
It is there choice.

My step daughter occasionally called me mummy when she was younger. Me and her dad have two other children together who obviously call me mummy so I think it was her way of feeling involved and the same as them when she was with us. I never made an issue of it and she stopped doing it by herself. The Stepmum might actually feel uncomfortable telling your DC not to call her mummy as she might not want to hurt his feelings xx

I think it you are on OK terms with your Ex, then it's fine to bring it up. I am a SM but also have a DS who has a SM, and I would not like him calling her Mum either. His Dad had a previous GF who quite liked being called his Mum by other people, and my DS felt really uncomfortable. I knew that if I brought it up with unreasonable Ex it would just cause an argument though.

However, as he is 5, he isn't aware enough to know. I think kids usually naturally like things in their life to be quite simple and clear. So it's unlikely he'll continue calling her Mummy. But I'd try not to worry too much about it, but feel OK about telling him that there is only one 'mummy'. Because there is, and it is you.

I agree that is a lot of pressure to put on your 5 YO, the worry of hurting his moms feelings - if he slips up he will now be worried that he has upset you.

I think you have to be a bit sensible here, from what you said it is only sometimes so it could just be by accident. My DSS often called me mommy and whenever I used to say "it's sanity to you" it just made him giggle. I corrected him but was not going to berate him and he eventually he just got the hang of it, he was just copying DS. Now DSD knew her mom would go batshit so would use it as a weapon - everytime her mom told her off she would say well sanity loves me more than you and she is my mommy now and yet hand on heart she never called it me but had heard her mom correct her brother. I had to assure her mom that that was not the case.

On the other side if I was out shopping or something with DSD and someone called me her mommy I didn't correct them. I was worried that if I jumped in with I am her stepmom or something then she would see this as me disowning her being anything to do with me (I know that sounds silly but didn't want to hurt her feelings). When she was about 10 and it happened I did say to her that I didn't want to lie to people about being her mom but I didn't want to correct them and hurt her feelings so how did she want me to handle it. We agreed that if someone called me it we would just smile and nod head and she was embarrassed at me correcting people.

I suppose it is the context in which they say it and if they are not encouraging it and it is a slip up then why put extra pressure on the LO to never slip up - I mean I nearly put kisses to a college on email the other day and definitely wouldn't have meant them.