Struggling with dsd again

[Findingpeace]

It's never ending really and I desperately want to disengage from it but I just can't seem to!

DSD is 18 and lives with us full time and has since she was 12. I love her but it's such a struggle right now living with her.

She dropped out of college twice and since she clearly didn't want to be there my DH told her she would have to find full time work. She was working in a pub but decided it wasn't for her anymore and quit. She found another job but it took 6 weeks before she started so she wasn't making money and spent £100 on a tattoo during that time. She was out clubbing and drinking with her friends and took out a credit card to do this, which she's maxed out and defaulted on the minimum payments. She started work but choose to work 2 days a week and couldn't pay a monthly contract she'd taken out. We had to pay it twice (she only told us after she'd received default letters) and we've told her we won't do it again and it's OK to make mistakes but you have to learn from them, which she clearly isn't. DH also told her she needs to be working full time. She spoke to her manager and increased her hours to 6 hours 4 times a week, as she says 5 days a week 'is just too hard for me'.

We told her in February she had to start paying £25 a week in rent but this has been very hit and miss.

She has one 'chore' to do which takes 5 minutes but I've now also started asking her to hoover upstairs as she has decided to brush her hair in the spare room as she doesn't want the hair that falls out to cover her bedroom floor (which she never hovers). But she does a half ass job to the point where it feels pointless to have her do it. But I refuse to stop asking her to do it despite the arguments!

Anyway, sorry for the rant! That was a long way of saying I know I need to disengage from it but I just can't! I'm really struggling with living with an 18 year old who refuses to work full time, refuses to help out around the house, sleeps till 11 most days, refuses to meet her financial obligations and prioritises time with her friends and partying. I feel like she's acting like a lazy leech while DH and I work full time and provide her with a roof over her head and food in her belly. I feel really really mean but I want her to move out. I want her to face the real world and learn responsibility, which she is refusing to do while living with us.

Am I really horrible for feeling this way? If she was continuing her education or saving for a house or to move out I'd feel differently. Or even if she was saving up to go travelling (which I did and learned so much). It just feels like she is using living with us to continue to be lazy. All of this causes so many arguments between her and DH and recently between her and me. As my name implies, I just want some peace!

I might be a bad person, but I don't think that I would be putting a nice face to a young adult who has talked so badly about me and hasgot her mother to accuse me of being a c*. For me, she could not expect absolutely anything from me anymore, from serving her food to being patient with such behaviour. As for her mum... I'm sure I would tell DSD that considering she feels more supported by her mum, she might consider moving there? could you suggest that to your OH? (actually, I have given that option to my child already, but he feels horrified at the idea of moving there).

But going down to the basics, the problem is that she is his DD, and he is the one who has to sort her out, but if he has been bailing her out all these years, he is VERY unlikely to change his ways. So if this situation has been making you miserable for a long time, it may be worthy to cut your loses and move out. Accept that words count for nothing, so unless he can show some constructive steps to prove he is really working in the situation and getting results, it may be better to stay away.

In any case, my commiserations, I have been in a similar situation and could only put up with it for 4 years. Walking over eggshells all the time and having to put up with endless unreasonable behaviour because the ex would not stop it, was my personal idea of hell, even when the child was much much younger than your SD.

In my most annoyed moments I have suggested to DH that she should go live with her DM but he will not consider it as it is 'not in DSD's best interests and no matter what happens we need to keep her best interests at the centre'. Although I argued this as she is no longer a child and the centre of our household I will admit living with her DM would not be good for dsd due to her DM's lifestyle. And dsd would be horrified by the idea. Lol.

I talked to DH about a family meeting but he doesn't want to do this as he said whether I knew it or not it comes across clearly that I want her to move out. I admit I do but I don't feel it is wrong to say to her 'if you want to continue to live here you must do xyz'. DH will not say that to her.

I asked what he felt the solution was then and he couldn't think of one. I asked him if he thought she would learn to be responsible while living with us and the cushion we provide and he acknowledged she hasn't learned from mistakes yet and probably won't while with us but didn't think she would out in the real world either.

He said he's tired and bored of it all now and although he knows he has to keep talking to her about being responsible he's bored of it. He's now closed down conversation about her and gets angry when I 'keep going on about it'. Sooo...basically nothing will change and I'll just have to continue to put up with it. Or I could leave but other then dsd our marriage is good and I really struggle to see the logistics in leaving. I really wish my DM lived in this country as I would go there!

Finding don't even think about that scenario! It's sad that she miscarried but I can only imagine what your life would be like in those circumstances!!
I suppose you're just going to call the bluff on your DH, if things don't change hugely, for the better, and soon....perhaps some time out will be the wake up call he needs!

Finding, I wish there was a magic wand.Could your SD have mental health issues? She seems to have given up and rebellion in teens can be depression.

You seem to have an escape route however if you still own a flat.I would put a timeline on the situation and then take action.Its likely this situation will go on for years and your DH is enabling her behaviour.

I envy your escape route however! I had hoped dsd18 would get easier as she was older but I fear she turning into a not very nice person.

she is 18, she can move out, get a flat and be responsible for herself.
You are a SAINT

So DH is 'tired and bored' of discussing it. Great.

I agree with new about this being something that will go on for YEARS. There is no way I would stay with no sign of any resolution.

My DH enabled his DD, at a very young age, to attain and lead a lifestyle that, as a grown woman with DC of her own, she simply cannot afford!
She continuous to expect the life she's used to, but with absolutely no means of supporting it. However, after many tears, upsets and discussions....slowly....very slowly DH is withdrawing this unrealistic support, and she is very gradually learning to live with it!
Of course there are still (very expensive) blips, and cries for help, but there've been no actual bail outs for some considerable time!
You do your DC no favours by supporting them in an unrealistic lifestyle, working and saving for what they want is the only way to learn to become responsible adults!

I love dsd. I don't think I could have lived full time with her for the last 6 years and love not developed as she does have some nice qualities. But my love isn't the unconditional love of a parent. I don't have memories of her when she was a sweet toddler who would freely give love, kisses and hugs and have those memories sustain me through the very difficult teen years. And she has been a very difficult teen.
Unfortunately dsd and I don't have much in common and have very different personalities. This of course doesn't help our relationship while she is being so difficult.

I nearly left a few months ago after a lot of arguing with DH about dsd and what he's agreed to is that in June next year we will move into my tiny house in the next city where my mortgage is nearly paid off and we'd be paying £600 less a month. This was our original plan when we were dating before DSD's DM went off the rails. In this next year he needs to prepare dsd for moving out. He's reluctant about the last part but as I explained she will be nearly 20, not in eduction and should be working full time so there will be no reason why she couldn't move out.

Maybe I'm old fashioned but I don't understand this generation of young people needing to stay home when they have completed their education. Why don't they want to fly the nest? Why is dsd staying with us when she professes to be so unhappy? Why isn't she making plans to move out? We've already told her we would help her with a deposit.

Wdigin maybe that's why she isn't looking to move out? She knows she won't be able to afford the lifestyle she has here. No more spending all her money on partying. But if it were me, my independence would have made that worth it.

Finding are you intending to sell the house you're in now, and move to the smaller place permanently? Or are you going to rent out your current home? Either way, be careful you don't move before DSD has totally vacated the house and handed back the keys! Sounds mean I know, but a couple of days leeway turns into a couple of weeks...which turns into gawd knows how long!

Wdigin I own the smaller house from when I was single but when the girls came to live with us we realised we'd definitely need a bigger place as well as needing to be closer to their schools. At first we moved into the family home, once DSD's DM vacated it. It was a rental. We stayed there for 18 months until I couldn't stand living in 'their' home anymore and wanted a home that was 'ours'. The girls also wanted to move due to the memories. We're now in another rental where we've recently signed another lease for a year. My tenants have also just signed on for another year. So in March next year we will inform our landlord and my tenants that their won't be another year. So there will be a definite date.

My DH informed dsd that we will be moving to my house next year but left out the part that she will have to have found her own accommodation by then. I will be working on him for the next 6 months to get him ready to tell her this. If it comes down to him being unable I will have to do it myself and become 'the evil stepmum'!

Perhaps her mother wouldn't be so quick to tell your hubby to ease up if she was the one who was having to fund your stepdaughter's lifestyle and bail her out every time she fucked up.

Rotten situation for you - especially when you husband isn't fully supporting you on this - you NEED to be one the same side 100% or she is going to continue like this and it'll drive a wedge between you and your hubby.

Well in that case Finding I'd be relentlessly giving her details of jobs, flats, accommodation shares, jobs with accommodation included...anything I could find! And all with a cheery smile and the advice that, 'You won't know yourself when you have a place of your own!
Plus, I think you have to make it chrystal clear to your DH, if DSD has not found a job/place to live/ responsibility by next March....you'll be moving in on your own!
Have you thought of sending for some literature on working abroad, on a cruise ship, or holiday camp....does she have ank skills at all?