help: DSS4 hurting DS3 all the time

[chocoraisin]

I am feeling pretty hopeless at the moment. This particular issue is driving a big wedge between me and DP (fiancee).

We have 4DC. Mine are DS1 (nearly 6) and DS2 (nearly 4). His are DSD (nearly 9) and DSS (will be 5 in Sept).

The issue is that DSS is hurting my youngest DS, all the time. The past weekend DSS has: pushed DS off a children's picnic table, elbowed him in the face, kicked out at him just because he walked past him, yelled at him because DSS fell over in the garden and tried to kick him because he blamed him (DS was nowhere near him) and screamed at him and tried to punch him because DS accidentally scooted into the back of him on a walk. He wasn't hurt.

The last one in particular really upset me, because I had watched DSS attempt to scoot into DS deliberately several times. Occasionally hitting DS who just got back on his scooter and carried on. They were about 50m ahead of us on a pedestrian pathway, so without running to them or taking the scooters off them, I was too late to intervene (it was a walk with lots of other parents/children). When DS accidentally hit DSS (and it was definitely an accident, caused by DSS trying to push in front of DS to be the fastest). He screamed and hit out so intensely that by the time I ran up to them, DS was shaking with fear and burst into tears. He couldn't even look at DSS afterwards.

DP did nothing about it. He doesn't seem to want to see it. He spoke to his sons preschool yesterday and concluded that he doesn't do this to other children, so his son is 'not a violent or vicious boy' and it's just a phase.

Well, he is a violent and vicious boy when it comes to my DS. And I know damn well we would be having a different conversation if one of his ex's step children was hitting DSS every single time they were together. Or if one of my boys were hurting DSS every time he came here.

I'm losing all respect for him, and feel less and less like I want to talk about it.

The weekend before last, I was stood in the doorway of our front room when DSS calmly climbed up onto the sofa arm purely so he could hit my DS with a closed fist on the crown of his head, as hard as he could - DS was just watching TV. So my perspective now is very much that it's deliberate, calculated and not a little boy who gets wound up and lashes out. He's targeting DS deliberately. DSS also bites, and has bitten my older son this weekend. This also isn't dealt with.

We're on the edge right now of splitting up. I'm angry and sad that he would let his 4yo set the terms of our relationship rather than parenting him.

WWYD? As most of you experienced step parents know, it's not as simple as walk away. We've been together since the children were 1 - 6 years old, we're getting married next year (if we make it).

Thanks for reading this far. I could say so much more but it's long already.

the thing is, I do see that DSS has issues with the set up and I care a lot about helping him with that. Not at the expense of DS though. That's where it comes down to DP doing the parenting surely? I can't do it by myself.

Thank you for all the advice and support, it really helps to talk about it. Any suggestions still welcome!!

If your relationship with your fiancé is important to you, then you must sit him down and explain exactly how you feel about the whole set up. You have to make him understand that, his DS hitting and hurting yours, is simply not acceptable! Tell him that you understand all the pressures everyone is under, but the situation is becoming dangerous!
I think he has to be made aware that, if he is unable to work with you to resolve this problem, then you cannot be with him (and his DC) because your son deserves, and must have, your complete protection, and if that means splitting up....then so be it!

Personally I think you are at a major crossroads with this situation and requires a clear statement of intent. In your shoes this would be my position:

This situation is unacceptable and in order to move forward action must be taken. I (you) will not compromise the safety of my child and DSS is clearly in distress internally and needs support.

Any failure to address the situation seriously and establish a long term solution is unacceptable and will require the removal of my children from the situation.

Not to put the emotional pressure on you but given that your ex has already started asking questions about his son's safety, if the situation isn't addressed it could cause further questions to be asked about the suitability of your son being in your home if he is being physically assaulted.

No more unproductive conversations or evading by your DP. You must get to the bottom of this.

Your DS is being seriously abused by the DSS, and it's going to have long term repercussions if the behaviour doesn't stop very soon.
Your DP needs to buck up his ideas pdq before your DS gets badly hurt.
Poor DS, I really feel for him....

I think people need think carefully about using words like "abuse" and "bullying". While I definitely agree, your son seems to be the target of DSS aggressive behaviour, saying he is being abused and is going to come to serious physical harm is going a bit far.

We have to remember these boys are 3 & 4, and if you look at boys of the same age in other families or a child care setting you would see very similar behaviour there.

Op, I think you need to ask yourself if your DP is seeing this as "normal" sibling behaviour and therefore isn't addressing the behaviour of his DS with the seriousness you feel it requires? It sounds like for you it has gone beyond that point, does your DP know you are considering splitting up over this issue? If he doesn't, it's definitely worth having that conversation. You need to allow him that opportunity to rectify the situation, when he knows what is at stake.

This little boy is being punched /hit repeatedly in the head, and being pushed towards roads.

I would say that he is very much at risk of serious harm actually.

Any physical violence which is ongoing, even if it is by another child, is abusive and bullying.

It's true OP, your DP needs to wake up sharp to how serious this is, and get his out of just seeing young boys tussling. Your Ex is right to ask questions.

I'd even write it down, or get your Ex and you to speak together. Ask your DP what he would do if his son was being hit at his Exes house by a step sibling. Give him a serious talk, and then take action.

Also, I have young boys and I never let them get away with hitting or pushing, ever. Particularly to the head. A friends kid was made unconscious by a boy pushing him. They are learning how to control themselves sure, so that means we can't just leave them without supervision, but ongoing hitting, I'd be separating them and disciplining the other. I wouldn't let them be together if I were you until the DSS stops.

I hate to say it, but i would discipline if my DP wouldn't. For a 5 year old, a good telling off from you in angry "mummy" voice, and sending to his room should do the trick, and if you haven't done it before may shock him into second thoughts next time. If your DP doesn't like it then tell him he should do his job and discipline his own kid! If he cannot parent and wont allow you to put a stop to it then you really need to consider leaving to stop your poor little boy being victimised in his own home, which is one place he should feel safe. I have told off other peoples children for hitting mine at soft play ect, you should be able to do so in your own home!

Thanks for all the different advice and perspectives. DP and I are struggling in general right now, think I'm going to leave the thread for now. Being a family with such different parts is so much harder than either of us imagined it would be. I know many of you can relate. It's time for RL support/help if we're going to get through it :(

Good luck Chocorasin I hope you can resolve things to everyone's satisfaction!