MIL going above DP's head

[Ilovenannyplum]

DP says no to teenage (15) DSD's current demand which are getting bigger every week
She won't come round because she can't leave her friend, her friends parents are not around today so she can't get in her house, so the friend must also come to DSS's birthday dinner tonight.

DP says no, come and spend time with your family, your friend can't come on this occasion, lots of whinging from DSD and now MIL is off to pick both of them up and bring them here.

She was supposed to come round last night and didn't because she went out with friends, she asked for money £25 and we said no (because she's had about £100 from us the past few weeks and her brothers have had nothing) of course, MIL gave her the money

Just annoys me that we say no and MIL doesn't listen and gives into DSD. I know she's a teenager and will start to have her own life but we can't always give into her and I would like to think, DP being her father should get the final say and that's it.
And also, we've got enough going on here without having another kid thrown into the mix that I don't want to be responsible for!

Anyway, vent over

She knows it's non negotiable, it always has been. We go out for birthdays together, no exception. That's just how family is, she knows when her brothers birthday is and she knows this was the weekend we were celebrating. It really wasn't sprung on her last minute.
And trust me, if anyone missed her birthday celebration, there would be trouble!

Clearly the friends parents were home and she was just trying her luck!

We don't use money to bribe her to come here? In fact that has the opposite effect, we give her the money she has asked for and then she's off for the whole weekend.
If we didn't give it to her, she'd be here at home because she couldn't afford to go out....

Mylaws

I don't think we're going to agree on this are we, I'm just being completely picked apart

He should have thr final day.

If I said no to my dd and my dm turned round and said oh here you good you can have it I'd really not be impressed. You aren't supposed to undermine your dcs parenting.

There is nothing wrong with expecting people to attend family birthdays. We have 17 & 15 here and they are still happy to be involved in celebratory meals.

I think it's quite sad that some people don't. However we are in the middle of nowhere so tricky to get out for an evening.

I agree that MIL is over-ruling DH and he needs to have a word.

Well this is my feelings, at no point did anybody verbally say to her, "I am your father, I get the final say" but ultimately until she's older, he does and nobody looking at you MIL should go above his head

We wouldn't have left her friend outside on her own if they were telling the truth but she was 100% trying it on, we can't really justify the cost of an additional meal especially when it's not even DSS birthday.
(The friend did came along to DSD birthday a few months ago)

We try and accommodate what DSS asks for but on some occasions, this obviously being one of them, we have to say no. What time we spend together is so small that we want to enjoy it family only sometimes and birthdays are one of those times.

I got my DSS & my DSD mixed up in the last post

I would pay for the friend, yes
I wouldn't have a problem with the DSD not going either

My apology, indeed, it is very different it was her brother's birthday. What did she tell MIL to get her to feel sorry for her then?

I agree, totally inappropriate in these circumstances.

Sheeesh, OP, you are getting a load of hassle for no good reason on here.

You were/are not being unreasonable. And as you say, if people opted out of her birthday at the last minute she wouldn't like it. Perhaps remind her of this.

Agree with PP that your DH needs to have a word with his mother. Yes, spoil (all) the grandchildren but not when it undermines parenting - especially for separated parents.

You sound more patient than I would be in the circs. OP.

Thanks Meridian, clearly I should just let the 15 year old do whatever she likes and we should all bow down and pander to her every whim

My teenage children came with us to family meals and celebrations without a single quibble. They enjoyed eating out or a good home cooked meal and weirdly seemed to tolerate their parents quite well. Not all teenagers think their parents are aliens.

I don't understand why teens get a special pass on MN simply for being teens. My DBRO is 15 and still comes to family occasions without moaning. Like fireside not all teens want to be out all the time. When I was a teen I loved spending time with my mum. Still do.

Manipulation and a smug 'get one over on the parents' isn't a good thing for any teen to learn, of a MIL to encourage. Unless you are an especially suffocating and oppressive set of parents, then occasionally teens just have to suck it up, and if it is for a sibling, then they should show a bit of consideration.