Newbie first post :)

[KelleBelle]

Hi :)

I'm Kelly. Mum of 2 DD (9 and 12) and 2 DSC (13 and 14)

DP and I got together about 20 months ago after he had a really messy divorce during which his kids witnessed some really volatile behaviour from their step-mum with lots of spiteful behaviour aimed at his son.

I've known DP all my life. We grew up next door to each other... he even taught me to ride a bike when I was about 5.... We never really expected to end up together but it happened and it's all felt so natural.

I raised my girls very differently to what he was accustomed to. Both of my girls were home schooled and we were very very close, as I'd been on my own with them for 7 years. We had a few teething problems with my kids having a degree of separation anxiety at the beginning..... realistically I was with my girls 24/7, and they weren't used to sharing me.

My girls are happy, I have no doubt but I sometimes struggle with the fact I've changed everything that they have known yet at times DP seems to come across as quite harsh on them in comparison to his. This is excused because we only have his one night a week plus weekends.

His have tested us over the last few months.... his daughter sending and receiving saucy snapchat messages that we caught her receiving and his son stealing ecigs, liquids and even chargers from our home to sell because he wanted the money for trainers. We have dealt with it and I believe learnt from it and I hope we have grown stronger as a family for what we have been through. There was little discipline for these incidents as their mum thought it wasn't necessary. My main concern is feeling I need to rebuild trust in DSS now.

My DD12 had surgery in February which left her unable to walk. She couldn't even sit comfortably in a wheelchair as she lost the ability to bend her legs and this went on for several weeks, yet I felt that the words of encouragement moved quickly on to impatience but I can see that the situation was frustrating as there was no physical reason for her inability to walk.

I think I just need to feel like I'm not the only person out there trying to build a strong blended family.... and I need to learn how to handle the challenges calmly and fairly when they come.

I look forwards to speaking to you :)

I'm not sure if the earlier responses were from sm's.Sadly the step parenting board can be less supportive than other parenting threads on MN and it often feels SMs are open game.Take a variety of views but ignore the unpleasant comments.I hope it hasn't put you off posting here.

I am a SM (for over 15 years) and it is without doubt the hardest parenting job you can have, it's way, way tougher than single parenting.Before you become a SM you assume that you can make it work, especially if you are caring, kind and patient.Why wouldn't it?? The reality is very different however for reasons you are just exploring.Differences in parenting styles, finances, nrp disney parenting and relationships with ex's are just a few areas.

I guess 20 months is just about the time when you can feel so overwhelmed.Been there so know the feeling.

Your situation is already challenging as you have had health concerns for your children which will make you more protective.

The change for your dcs is significant (I'm sure positive in some ways ) so other posters are looking to see if your children have 'acted out' as a result.This is a possibility.

Similarly your dsc are at a difficult stage and have gone through 2 failed marriages.My DSC are in this situation with their mum and I know the emotional fallout it has caused.Dsd is in her 2nd round of counselling at 18 and has just managed to talk about her mother's marriages and divorces.I think the impact of your partners choices should be acknowledged.His children have gone through a lot of upset - 3 relationships (with step siblings) by the time they are 10 or 11?It's far from ideal and any of their negative behaviour has to be looked at in this context.

It feels like your partner has rushed from one relationship to another, ideally he should have been single (dating but not living together) until his children were more settled.

You sound like a lovely, thoughtful person but be cautious of trying to make your blended family 'better'.From the outside the issues are very significant and you could be in danger of emotional burnout.

How long were you in a relationship before your partner moved in with your children? And how much time has he spent as an adult single?

Having had lots of teens, I would think the stealing by DSS is not 'usual' teen behaviour and more likely acting out by a boy who has had more emotional upset than most adults have in a lifetime.I would suggest that the children access counselling, sooner rather than later.

Hi

We have only recently taken the step.of moving in on a full time basis. He bought a house in Sept and we helped him to rip it apart which took a couple of months. It was important to me that the decision to make it permanent was made by the kids as much as me.

We all looked around the house together.... Kids did what kids do and put dibs on rooms. (We stayed over at his rented place occasionally before he bought) so we didn't push anything. He took my DD2 who is autistic paint shopping and made sure she helped to decorate what she had chosen as her room.

We felt it was a natural step and I don't think anyone felt rushed. I'd been on my own for years so I'd put a lot of thought and preparation into it.

The kids have known me for a long time.... my mum lives next door to his mum and my house was over the road. And no before the forum police appear, I wasn't the other woman lol.

What is nrp Disney parenting? I've read it a few times but not sure what it is.

X

I'd ignore the nasty comments too, they didn't seem to have grasped what you were saying and were maybe just a quick reaction to what is, on the outside looking in, a tough situation for you all. Many different needs here.

I have a child of special needs too, and having to provide much care at home. It must have been really, really difficult for you to have to contend with your DP not understanding your child's autism. Have you also tried posting on the special needs children board here? It may help.

Disney parenting is when a parent, usually a Dad, totally indulges his children often out of guilt. Although it sounds as if your DP is fairly authoritarian?

I wonder, and this is a tough question, you've been on your own for a long while with some huge issues with your children, I've got to hand it to you, really very difficult for you. Has the chance of the relationship meant that you are compromising more to your DP than he is to you? I could be wrong.

There are quite different dynamics too, with your DP and your parenting, that is really tough to bring together too. It sounds as if you are doing a lot of the bridging of the gaps here.

I really don't assume to know from reading this your situation, but it just does seem overwhelming and a lot on your shoulders. If you are managing to try and stay and stop of all the complicated issues here you are doing an amazing job. I just hope it doesn't break you, trying to do too much at once.

Thank you for your replies.

I am overwhelmed..... hence spending the last few hours at a & e hooked up to an ecg being drained of my blood. My anxiety is at an all time high. I can't get like this cos I simply can't allow my kids to see me like this. I can usually keep a lid on my nerves but I think the tablet the doctor started me on last week just isn't suiting me.

I think DP was quite a Disney dad before I came along. Because of how home life was with 2nd wife he tended to use his weekends to be solely with his kids... bowling, cinema, butlins etc so they didn't have to go home and face an atmosphere. He did feel guilty and I would have done too. He was blinded by love with 2nd wife and unfortunately that sometimes happens.

I think when we got together he learnt to appreciate the simpler things. I've never had money to lavish on my girls but who says a day out needs to cost a bomb? We can make fun anywhere and for just a few pounds. My kids are pretty sensible with money but I think that's because mine have been raised at the opposite end of the spectrum to his..... that's not me slating his kids before anyone jumps on me..... so to have days out for all of us, we had to start being sensible and planning. Even an evening in with no tech and a film and popcorn was appreciated.

We are very different admittedly but I think we've kind of met in the middle...

X