Completely at the end of my tether! Fed up and never want to be a SM every again!

[Bananasinpyjamas1]

Apologies for the exclamation marks and frustration!

I went to counseling - took me 3 years to get DP there - yesterday. I just want to leave. My experience of being a SM has been totally demoralizing.

I have two children, one with DP, and yet every single thing seems like a battle. He still hasn't divorce, citing 'tax' reasons, (he's sorted finances/kids in a legal separation agreement). I haven't asked for much in 6 years.

Voicing that I wanted one step child to not be mean to my son resulted in her never coming to my house when I'm there. Wanting DP to divorce was another.

I don't think I'm unreasonable in these things. I just seem to be the scapegoat for everybody. I thought that we were getting somewhere!

Bananas I echo others, I hope he realises a few important things while you have time apart, and isn't too stubborn to admit it to himself and to you.

Glad you are standing up for yourself and your right to a good relationship and your own importance in the equation.

I really don't agree with the majority view that the SM is always second in line.

I found a good US forum the other day that was much more feisty that the step parenting board on here. Might be interesting reading? www.steptalk.org/.

Although, if he wouldn't even take it when you showed hi the stepmonster book, not sure how much reading is going to help you. It's him that needs to change his views of the situation, not you. But I hope you realise that you are absolutely right and justified in wanting more and better treatment for yourself and your DCs.

Majority view on other threads/ general view that SM is always second I mean, not on here. Lots of lovely support on here.

Sorry for multiple posts, it's early!

Op

How about you step off this crazy roller coaster?

Today, how about you put yourself first for once?

Your life really doesn't have to be this way, you don't need to compromise your own happiness to placate a ex, you don't need lies about tax/divorce

What you need is what you aren't getting - so make a change today, you are looking at the line but seem afraid to cross it, don't be just cross that line and see where it takes you - I guarantee it will take you somewhere nicer than where you are now.

Bloody woman dumping her kids on you unannounced! You are not an effing nanny, you deserve respect!

I

Quitelikely, what a fantastically inspirational post.

X

Bananas, so sorry I can't remember, but has your dp's ex remarried? If so, even though it would be against the children's wishes, your dp could not deny the unjustness of your situation.

There must be times when things are ok, when it feels easier to minimise the issue of marriage, but it's completely not, because its a massive symbol of commitment. My dh is the worst Disney of all, terrified of all his children; yet he still married me (which probably explains his guilt). I'm in a completely different position as his wife than his partner. For all you know, your dp's children have directly threatened to cut him off if he married you and you need to get to the truth. Might it be worth privately voicing this possibility to the councilor and letting him/her extract the truth from your dp? Because then she/he will be able to bring it into the open and discuss it properly.

Agree 100% with QuiteLikely!

I can't tell you how appreciated all of your posts are, thanks!

My DP is off for a couple of weeks, but I have taken myself off for one night before he goes - just to get away myself from the kids and escape. It's really nice just to pamper myself for once.

Hormonal you are so right, marriage is a massive symbol of commitment.

Maybe you are right, DP could be holding back from making such a big statement to his girls - it would mean publicly that

• yes he is happy with me and yes we are a couple and I am here to stay.

One of my problems was DP only half backing me up, sometimes siding with his daughters to the extent I didn't feel like an equal partner at all. He seemed to have 'loyalty' issues, with his elder daughter/ExW. I didn't ask for many changes, but I did put my foot down about unexpected kids turning up, often when it was just me in the house, (sent by his ExW), and I did ask his eldest not to ignore us. Yet DP seemed to dither about these at the time, he backed me up, and then got complacent a few months later. It was a weary cycle.

His Ex did carry on treating him as a husband, for a long time, which caused stress, but she did also ask for a divorce last year - she has a long term bf.

Quite likey Yes! Many thanks! Needed to hear those words. I am ignoring everyone today and tomorrow. I would very much like to go back to a peaceful home life where I don't feel continually cornered.

KelleBelle - thank you.

Once - yes it's time to stop being second best to anyone. Will check that forum!

Hey bananas Sorry to hear you've been having a 💩 time. Sending you

I hope things get better for you mate.

Thanks Bristol and Late (would love cake, chocolate and flowers!).

It's actually quite a relief to step back completely from being a SM and just focus on my own life and kids for a change.

I'm not sure how any of us do it tbh. Although I think moving in with four teenage step daughters, and an ex wife who still regarded DP as her husband to boss around, was probably asking for trouble!

Bananas I really hope things improve soon for you...however they pan out!

How are you doing bananas? I hope your night away was a good break and that your DP being away is giving you the space you need. If not to make plans, then to have a well deserved break from it all!

Where's he seeing his DC while he's away from home? And how are your DC doing with the temporary change?

You know we're all rooting for you, to have the life you need and want and deserve, where you and your boys can be happy and hopeful. As wdigin says, however that's possible.

Bananas I was in a similar place to you last week. I was seriously contemplating leaving. Moving out for a happier life. I deserve to be happy! So do you! Life is too short to always be defending yourself or battling.
Every time I tried to talk to DH about how I was feeling it would become about his feelings and his children. I would get defensive, he would get defensive and He just could not hear me. So I took my DM's advice and I wrote him a long email about how I am feeling. It seemed to get through a bit and then we argued again about an issue regarding DSD that we always argue about, so I wrote him another email. I used quotes from step parenting books. I told him some hard truths and the advice I would have given my younger self when I first met him.
It seemed to work, he seems to have thought about how I feel and we're trying to do a few things differently.
Could you try writing to him? So you can get down on 'paper' exactly how you feel without him interrupting you?
I really hope the two of you can work it out if that's what you want and will make you happy. But you do not have to sacrifice your happiness for a family you did not create, a family with problems and issues that were created long before you meet DP.

Findingpeace that's great advice. I have done this in the past and I had been really helpful. One, it takes away the emotion/potential for argument to get in the way of real truths and feelings, and two, it helps you feel better that you've put it all down.

Bananas maybe your DP would read it and maybe he wouldn't, given that he took it badly when you tried to show him book passages, but maybe it's worth a try and you can frame it with love and a plea to please read and think it through. Might be easier also while you are having time apart. He might take a calmer more co side red approach.

Findingpeace - so sorry to hear that you are having it tough too. It is so tempting to just want to run away from it all and have a peaceful life again. I don't blame you. You seem to love your DH very much but have a lot of stress on you both.

It is so true - my DP also just gets so defensive about his kids that he 'can't hear me'. The last time was when his daughter moved out to her mums and he wouldn't even let me talk about it with him. Although he talked about it with her. That was pretty gutting! Totally excluded. None of it was my fault yet I was blamed without any chance to even defend myself. So tired of having to defend myself anyway. Both DP and his daughter have subsequently said it wasn't about me but it was a bit late by that point, damage done.

I tried to email back then, the first time I'd actually been a bit truthful about how hard it was for me being a step parent. My DP did say it sounded quite hard but didn't really take it in. I like the idea of using quotes from books. I think that is a good idea to do it again, especially as we are going to counselling. Thanks, good advice!

Once more - yes good idea to write things down. The counsellor was saying the same things as I've said, over and over again to my DP who does have complete blocks about a lot of things, and it would be a good opportunity to write down something that we could discuss with her there. He tends to go off on one and just doens't listen to me - but she calls him to account and he has to.

Anne thanks so much, very kind and much appreciate!

wdigin also thanks very much!

It is good to just have a bit of time out at the moment. So much energy can go into being a step mum, that it is pretty exhausting. And unlike your own kids you don't get much back. It's caused a big hole in our relationship, and the irony is that I don't think his kids or his ExW have any idea about any damage that has been caused, and are all basically fine in their own lives. It's like being wrecked by a storm! (OK, maybe a bit dramatic!)

Hi Bananas just thought I'd say hello, and ask how things are!

Thanks wdigin for your kind thoughts!

It is the nearest I feel to ending this relationship. I'm trying to keep an open mind, but it's just been such a rocky road. It is the drain that all the 'baggage' (sorry about that word) has put on me as a step mum. DP has just been way too torn in the past by any bad feelings that have come our (my) way from his kids and previous wife.

It is sad. We have a child together who may well lose out. I totally underestimated how much of a target I would become for his first families woes. I really didn't see that one coming! Even now, the calm after the storm, I think our relationship is a little in tatters because of it.

Oh that's such a shame Bananas I do understand how draining it can be, and I'm thankful that I've never had the visiting thing....I admire all you SM's who do!

And by the way, being wrecked in a storm is probably a very good analogy!

Wrecked in a storm - and feeling like I do not have a lifeboat!

So much is dependent on our DPs being able to provide a good partnership to weather the storm that step families can bring. And unfortunately mine seems to be a part of the problem!

He's still not budging on the divorce and tbh it's the least he can do to - most of the more successful posts here have found some stability with their partners, if not the wider family. I'm not going to accept anything less now and would be prepared to face the future as a single parent. Again!

On the up side, have had a great week with my own family and nieces and nephews. We all got together for a long weekend. Everyone gets along so well, and there are no undercurrents, no resentments, no lurking exes and I am not the target for any ill feelings. Even though I am the only one not married, or there with my partner, it really didn't matter.

It was a complete tonic and me and my children had a wonderful time. [happy]

Glad you had some happy family time

You're right, your DP should be and needs to be your advocate. If not, there's no point you being together is there! In your lives, tours needs to be the primary relationship. Everything else should hang off that. That doesn't diminish relationships with your DCs of course. Just means that yours is the union and the reason you are all together. If that's not solid, what's the point?!

Stand firm. You'll either end up with the relationship you want and deserve. Or you'll be rid of something that makes you miserable

Thanks once - I think all the children deserve that too, including steps. Everyone feels the insecurity of a wobbly relationship.

Bananas so glad to hear you've had some quality down time. I imagine, since you got back, you're thinking...'Why can't life be like that all the time!'

I agree, the very least he can do to show his commitment to your relationship, is to sort out his divorce, and I think I'd be making that a stipulation for continuing together. Normally, I say to everyone, don't give ultimatums...but in this case I suppose it's the only answer. But, be prepared, what you threaten you absolutely must carry through, so make all preparations re: leaving the house, and ensure you have somewhere (even temporarily) to go, before you start that conversation!

But, seriously, I hope it doesn't come to that!

Thanks wdigin - DP being half way or 'conflicted' is half of the problem. I know that it must be hard, if your children make you feel that your relationship is a problem for them, but unless there is good cause - it just ends up in a confused mess.

DP could lose me and already the respect of his children by just doing what they want all the time.

Again and again I read posts from people in a similar position, and it seems to have a common theme - the NEW relationship is only half entered into by one party, where kids are put before the relationship, or indulged, or the Ex has not let go for some reason.