Adult step-daughter being very, er "Challenging"

[Mariannedreams1]

My stepdaughter (my partner and I are not married but we are committed, so I'm saying SD even though we're not married yet...) was 18 when we got together and is now nearly 22. She lives with us (despite having a good job) and it's very stressful, but it's a long story....is it OK to post here? I don't have any friends with older step-children, and I don't have any children, so sometimes I find it hard to find the level of patience needed, and I feel very alone too. I'll try to keep it to less than a page of A4!

It is not a popular view on step parenting threads but you are aware that nowadays, many adult 'children' return to their parent's home following university? It is particularly the case if the young person hasn't found work - they may have little connection with the university town/city once their friends are gone so 'home' is where it's at until they get themselves together. Most parents (certainly most in my experience) welcome this and it would be particularly welcomed in middle class homes where money hasn't been a problem (which is the kind of home you are suggesting your DSD is from) and there is space for the 'child' to return. It is less to do with being owed a home in an expensive area (which is what you seem to be saying) and more to do with not really knowing where else to go. Sure, she could try a flat share or something else, but why do that if home is generally happy and you are able to save money whilst working on the next part of your life?

I suspect none of this would have been a problem for mum and dad but it is a problem for dad and step mum. It is particularly an issue that she has lost her family home (which is your fault whichever way she looks at it). She will resent you - and you can't blame her for that - and the perverse side of her will probably enjoy knowing she's in the way of her dad's relationship. Furthermore, she's lost her mum to a far away, not particularly easy to get to, part of the country and assuming they got on even averagely, that will be a massive blow to her. She may be in adult, but she is a very young adult and most young adults have their parents around to support them - if not financially, at least emotionally: in your DSD's case, mum is at a distance and dad is preoccupied with someone else and she's supposed to be feel grateful for the roof over her head in a house that isn't hers and that reminds her constantly of the family she has lost.

It pretty much sucks to be your DSD, I suspect. And now her dad wants her out. Of course she's going to kick off.

Just be kind. And just because you've got what you want from life, remember that you have a young girl who is grieving her lost life and many of the things she was able to identify with and rely on.

Widgin2this - thank you. It is so helpful to know that I am not alone - I know I am imperfect (many other posters) but I suspect it's kindness that will help me through rather than being made to feel even more wretched.

Everyone -

Things are calmer now. SD is living with boyfriend's family and has a flatshare lined up. She isn't speaking to me, but she needs to work things through, I think. Lots of support from family friends. All looking a bit brighter. And I'm going to ring the Stepfamily Association.

Thank you!