AIBU

[EllieJayJay]

To ask that people who are not step parents to not comment on the step parent forum.

This should be a place for step-parents to openly discuss their issues and concerns

Hard to do that when parents who have exes for whatever reason come here with their "other woman" mentality

I think the majority of ladies here are good mums and want some help

I love your posts Bannanas and thank you for the cake X

My dear wigster, I'm so sorry to hear this no child should ever have to deal with this. All I can say if you need to talk you can PM me

I will say this I was very disgruntled when I posted my original post and did not word it correctly. I don't want to exclude anybody who has a step parent "thing" going on in their life

I just want people to NOT judge on their own experiences

Just be kind

I was a SD, I am am SS, also a SM and SGM, so I feel qualified to say what I think on this board! Sometimes I get shot down for certain comments, but that's OK because everyone's entitled to their opinion...and I'm strong enough to handle it!

What I don't like is, when obviously distressed/vulnerable people post asking for advise, and they get mean responses....if you can't be constructive and helpful, don't post!!!

Wdigin some people aren't capable of posting constructive and helpful responses. Some people are basically just arseholes who think they know best and enjoy an opportunity to project their issues.
It's amazing how much a person will listen to you if you aren't a nasty, judgemental twat :)

*Stepparenting

Cheerio

Maybe - I'm sorry you have had a bad experience, actually I did too with my mums second husband - I'm not expecting people to jump up and down saying "good job" I don't want banners or ballons i get things wrong, like everyone else I'm not perfect. I do not have an issue with people who disagree with me I have an issue with people who use their bad experiences to make others feel worse than they already do.

I've seen certain people do that a lot on this board and it's unacceptable in my opinion.

Widigin - wonderfully put, I have said quite a lot I didn't write my original post perfectly and I wasn't trying actually to exclude anybody who had hands on experience i was just horrified actually at how nasty this board could be towards women who were asking for help.

Get back in here

cantwait (Elle drifts off thinking about warm weather and how much she wants a holiday no needs a holiday I digress)

if we don't stick together the nasty ones will take over...

I'm not sure if my thread is one of the ones you're referring to - it's on AIBU so maybe not. A couple of people PM'd me to suggest the step parenting area might be more supportive as I was getting a lot of negativity on there (partly my fault for reacting angrily). Maybe not though

I'd like to see more thought through opinions, whether agreeing with post or not. I'd like to broaden my mind. What I don't like is when I've posted and I have to literally walk on eggshells just be because I'm an SM, no other reason. It just makes me so depressed! As I find things stacked up against my role enough!

I find this board incredibly helpful for the most part. The strong thoughtful wise women who've walked this path before me have certainly broadened my mind, as you say bananas.

There are always going to be bastards with too much bitterness to see beyond their own experiences but as PPs have said, you learn to ignore them!

I initially found MN due to searching for stuff on step parenting and it's been a lifeline. It wasn't down to particular problems I was having, more a realisation that I couldn't possibly know what I was doing and it was madness not to take advantage of the advice and insight that must be out there.

My DP's ex and I have no relationship at all, which suits everyone fine as she and DP keeps comms to a minimum so sometimes hearing the thoughts and experiences of mums whose DC have SMs is helpful.

I am a SM, have a SM and have a close friend who's a SM. I've read a couple of excellent books on the subject that I'd recommend to anyone. But for the day-to-day stuff, you lot are the most help and even when I'm lurking rather than contributing, knowing other people are in a similar situation is priceless.

OP please don't be put off posting. We all need this community.

Agree Anne and thanks for raising this issue Ellie as it is thought provoking in a good way!

Being a step parent, because there is very little guidance or a blueprint, we need advice and support more than most!

I could talk to most people about being a single parent, about being a step chld, about parenting, about relationships very easily. However step parent issues were a minefield! I found other step parents would instantly gravitate to me as if they couldn't wait to talk honestly for once. There really is a need to bounce off ideas and fustrations!

I just want people to NOT judge on their own experiences
But that's what people do. How can you judge anything but from your own experience? And of course, it goes both ways, many judgement placed on DH and exes, which are also very stereotypical, and made from personal experience.

I personally think that the whole point of forums is exactly this, getting views from people who experience similar circumstances, but from a totally different perspective. Surely it is about learning how the same experience can be perceived for someone else.

I am not a SP (although was once upon a time for a short time), but I've been a SD for many years where unfortunately the experience of being so was a very negative one. I am also married to a man who became a SD with no experience of being a dad himself. I know that it is sometimes hard for him and I find reading the challenges that SMs face here helps me understands how he feels and sometimes react better.

I think that in most circumstances, step-parents, parents, children and even the wider family do mean well and genuinely think they are doing their best in the given situations. The problem is that most are too often focused on their own perspective and trying to justify it rather than trying to understand better the perspective of the others.

My own experience (for what it's worth!) is that resolutions to issues come much easier trying to understand why others say and do the things they do, rather than trying to impose my views on them. I have also learnt that time can make things much better. When my kids SM first came into their life, I had a very poor opinion of her and her of me. In time, we have learnt to be open minded about each other, and even though we don't communicate at all, we have built a mutual form of respect of each other, ie. I do think she is a very fair SM and I know she thinks I am a good mum.

I lurk here and do at times post.

I am not a step parent.. However the board is not called Step Parents.. it is called

Step Parenting..

I AM a step daugther. My father has been married 4 times since my mother left him my mother lived with my stepdad (who was the OM) for 39 years until she died last year..

So actually yes I DO think that I at times have something relevant to add to this board. Even if it is not what people may want to hear. However I have the ability to see it from a step childs view.. Because I am one.

Hence I lurk and post on the " step parenting" board..

I'm a step child too. As well as a step mum. And an ex and used to be a single parent too. It would be interesting to get a few more step children's views, any I've read in the past year came from a wide range of perspectives, good and bad, in between, all interesting views.

However I have seen a lot of mean posts that always are negative to or about an SM and the majority seem to come from Exes who have their own axe to grind. These don't generally come from step kids.

What i have noticed over the past years, are more SMs responding and actually telling the OP - they are wrong and what they are doing is cruel, or to keep at it - this is right.

Case in point in the last few weeks of SM changing well established communication patterns. V good, not nasty, sensible discussion, with different views, bananas - suggesting one thing and others suggesting other things.

Where SM wants to buy SCs cheaper school uniform than their half sibs, when it is their year to buy unform. Rightly got told to suck it up!!!!

I dislike the quite nasty picky comments about how the Ex parents badly - over small things - not abandonment in your case. Eg strict bed times, money etc.There is an assumption sometimes that the issue is because of the EX - with little back up information - that is actually known.

Mostly I have learnt how little things get blown out of all proportion very quickly and stuff that one lets sail by in your own kids becomes the biggest blow up with a SC, sometimes I laugh.
I think we expect an awful lot of SCs, to accept a situation, live with different rules, see less of one parent than they would like, like, treat with respect the new parent, miss out on stuff because of what ever issue, stick to a timetable of contact that does not actually consider their stability and is for the parents not the child, change clothes, toys etc. That is not a reason to pander to them but sometimes - the intransigence of the adult, steps, own parents etc is more childish than the children themselves.

Like I said, I have learnt alot

OP you are being unreasonable. You're clearly the 'other woman' who still feels insecure and has a bee in her bonnet about her husband ex wife.

I know what you mean OP, and SMs really get a hard time on here (and quite often in RL). Thoughtful comments from skids, exes and interested observers are useful but often posters have a particular axe to grind and are pretty vicious. That happens all over mumsnet of course, but I think SMs need the support of an online community more than most because they are often quite isolated. I have loads of supportive friends but not one of them have skids and they really don't understand the particular difficulties of the relationship. I'd say the same was true of other types of parents - adoptive, lone, large family, kids with special needs - but they don't tend to attract the vitriol that step-parents do.

Sparklycat I can't work out if you're being sarcastic or serious in that post. It just seems a bit... presumptuous?

Ceecee I agree, there stresses of being a step parent can be intense and most of us really need to talk honestly somewhere. And if people comment who have never experienced being a step parent, then at least to have read the original post and tried to respond to the individual.