I have been with my DH for about 11 years. We met when my son was 2 an his son was also 2 (whom he had at weekends). We then had a son together as well. Our boys are 13, 13 and 9 now and we all live together and its a noisy but happy household. We have a successful business, a large house, lots of land, the boys are at independent schools, lots of animals, holidays etc. This is not to brag, just a bit of background. Our business is only 5 years old and before that we had no money and struggled to get by. But we have struck it lucky though our determination and sheer hard work.
Just over 2 years ago my step-son's mother decided that she had had enough of parenting and suggested to him that he live with us instead. He readily agreed - as terrible as it sounds he rather fancied the life of his brothers and what they had, which is fair enough. His mother lived in a council flat and spent what little she had on herself not him (she has been bankrupt twice as she has a chronic spending addiction). He was known to SS (for neglect) and was barely sent to school by her. He looked at the fun he had with us and thought how nice it would be to have that full time. We were also overjoyed, as my DH had been waiting for this day for all these years and I have always treated him exactly the same as my other sons, we are a family of 5 and always have been. Step-son was obviously sad to leave his mum, but genuinely thought that he would see her every other weekend etc.
What none of us knew then was that my step sons mother would basically clear off straight away over 150 miles, to live with a man she has met 2 months previously online. So since she has gone she has seen him a total of 6 times, 4 the first year and only twice last year. :-(
She calls him maybe once a month, but they have nothing to say and she just says how she has no money to see him. She doesn't ask about his life, schooling, sports etc. She is on FB however and he was able to see the partying she does every weekend, her platinum blonde hair with never any dark roots, her gel nails, her new clothes every week. Until he confronted her and she blocked him. He is angry at her and sad at the same time, totally gets that she has been a rubbish mum for his whole life (without us having to say much).
TBH I don't give a monkeys about her lifestyle, as my step-son has been so stable with us - in terms of schooling, his health, etc, But I worry for his future as a man. Surely this kind of maternal abandonment will have detrimental effects on him? Does it lead to a man with attachment and commitment phobias? Or a more needy man wanting to settle down and have a family very young? He is not much of a talker about how he feels, we tend to talk when he and I are alone in the car and not making eye contact. Should I be thinking about counselling for him? Or just leaving him to grow up whilst we take care of everything for him and ignore the lack of his mother issue? (My DH has lots of involvement, but I am the primary carer for all 3 boys).
Does anyone else step-parent a child who has had little or no contact with their mum? Especially older children like my step-son. Sorry its been really long, I could tell you 11 years worth of stuff but we would be here for days!