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Separate wardrobe of clothes for stepchild?

49 replies

IggertyZiggertyZoom · 28/02/2016 22:06

DSD (nearly 7) comes to us nearly every weekend, and for periods of school holidays. She is lovely, my DS adores her, and all is generally amicable with her DM.

DSD comes with a bag of clothes which are returned (washed) with her. We have PJs, dressing gown, spare underwear and a spare change of clothes here.

However DSD's DM has now suggested we buy DSD's clothes (including coat etc) for when she's at our house. Apparently they get a lot of wear here.

DH is unhappy as he pays exP more than statutory maintenance plus school fees, school uniform, trips, swimming, ballet etc. It leaves him very little to contribute to our home and DS and he is very conscious of this.
He therefore thinks she's BU and has said he'll deduct the cost of buying new clothes from the monthly payments he makes.

I think this will only lead to bad feeling and we should just get some changes of clothes for DSD, but he thinks otherwise. Is DH BU or should I just but out?

OP posts:
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jamtartandcustard · 03/03/2016 13:03

We have a full wardrobe for sdd as we had to as she was being sent over in inappropriate clothing (clothes too small, shoes too small, no coat in winter etc). However now we only have her eowe and holidays as we need enough clothes for a weeks holiday but she only picks out the same outfit during the weekends. So there's 5 outfits that will only get worn once or twice and that's it. Such a waste of money when we are on such a limited income.
End of last we we went away fri-mon and her dm said she would pack a suitcase for her. Arrived at holiday destination to discover suitcase only contained her school uniform for the Monday. That was it. So first day of holiday was spent trying to find an outfit and pj's for the weekend. Won't make that mistake again

NewtoCornland · 08/03/2016 19:53

We have a full wardrobe for DsD, not that we had any choice in the matter. OH's Ex moved far, far away and the first time DsD came to stay with us for 1/2 term she came in just the clothes she stood in, not even a coat and it was near the end of October Confused There was no warning from Ex and there was a lot of panic buying at 3pm on a Sunday! If she had just communicated that DsD would be needing clothes OH wouldn't have minded communication is not their strong point

My only issue is that we have to buy a new entire wardrobe twice a year, as she grows at the rate of knots, and by the time she has grown out of things it's only been worn on a couple of occasions because we now only see her in the holidays.....the amount of hardly worn clothing I take to the charity shop is ridiculous [I took a load down yesterday funnily enough and the lady in the shop commented on it!]

Cabrinha · 12/03/2016 09:22

I did laugh at the Boden/Joules comment - she's taking the piss there!
But I do think it's really sad that this situation ever occurred. Of course she should have a wardrobe at her dad's house, that he should already have bought without even thinking about maintenance Confused

trollopolis · 12/03/2016 09:35

This strep dad is however paying considerably more than maintenance.

And the comment about the mother buying the stuff does make her look rather rapacious.

As he is paying above minimum maintenance, and school fees, clubs and trips, there is scope for him to scale back and still be providing generous support. It won't help things, so I wouldn't do it, but I really would fantasise about telling the ex "Of course we'll provide clothes for her to wear here, and sorry it didn't occur to me before. And no of course a I don't expect you to shop for them, I'll see to all that with DD we'll have fun. But I won't be able to fund clothes she doesn't wear here, so you'll have to cover school uniform from on. Of course I'll keep covering all the other school bills I pick up at the moment."

Chasingsquirrels · 12/03/2016 09:44

It would be sensible for the clothing to follow the contact arrangements, so with a holiday only contact arrangement it makes sense for the child to take their own clothes, but with a shared care arrangement the child should have clothes at both houses.

However, this won't always work due to one, or both, of the adults involve.

My kids are 1 school week night plus half all weekends and school holidays with their dad.

They have, pjs, toothbrushes, cuddly toys etc at both houses. These stay at the house where they were brought.

They also have underwear and clothes at each house, these get worn by the child and end up wherever they are that night regardless of who brought them - they belong to child the not the parent.

They have more school uniform here as they go to school from here more, we try and sort things so they don't accumulate uniform there (if they go on a Friday night they get changed before they go) but sometimes it happens and we swap it back.

All their coats and shoes are here, and 99% of the time have been purchased by me, they take what they need when they go there - be it just the shoes and coat they are wearing or more if they will need them for whatever reason.

Most sports gear, camping gear etc lives here - but goes where it is needed when it is needed.

In the holidays, summer particularly as they spend longer periods in each house, we will ask the other parent to drop off some clothes with them - it really doesn't make sense for them to have 2 sets of clothing to cover a two week period in both houses, when they are likely to grow out of them before the next time they are needed.

BUT it only works because both adults make it work, and even so I get pissed off that I buy x, y or z and only see them wear it once before they are grown out of it, and I'm sure their dad feels the same. But I know they are wearing it, just not here - and they are the child's clothes, not mine.

RomiiRoo · 12/03/2016 21:12

I've always packed and unpacked for DD when she has stayed at her dad's. There is no fixed contact schedule; there is no bed for her (her youngest half-sister co-sleeps with her mum and dad when DD visits), and I get token maintenance. Asking them to buy clothes for DD when she is there would be utterly unreasonable.

I also have DS and his dad has more than enough money to buy spare clothes. Nope, still waiting for that one - he sends stuff back ruined by mud or ripped with out offering to replace.

None of which is relevant, but just to say I think your solution sounds more than reasonable, OP.

Clueless16 · 21/03/2016 13:27

Sadly I think this is a common problem for us weekenders.
We tried to keep a separate lot here but most of the stuff we buy gets ursurped and they turn up in small old clothes again (presumably so we buy more?!!)
In the end we decided to just keep a few of what we wash every weekend and send new ones back as well. Yes it rankles but we decided if we made a fuss only the kids would suffer. Probably wrong but!!...

Wdigin2this · 21/03/2016 16:14

Call me old fashioned, (which I probably am) but if I were sending my child to their DF and DSM's home each week, it would be a point of pride for me that they arrived in a decent set of, well fitting and weather appropriate clothing, together with a bag containing toiletries, plenty of underwear and nightwear, outfits for each day they were staying....plus a posh outfit 'just in case

Wdigin2this · 21/03/2016 16:16

PS: Even more for my own pride and the DC comfort, every item would have been freshly laundered and perfectly ironed! Is that just me?

OutToGetYou · 21/03/2016 18:24

Having the second wardrobe is a good idea in many ways, mainly that there are two homes but also as you don't need to worry about them not bringing something.

Dp's ex also buys dss all designer gear. From us he gets clothes from Tesco. Or Primark. He grows so quickly - he's now in 30" waist, 34" leg trousers and the waists are too big.

RomiiStartsAnew · 21/03/2016 20:52

wdigin, yes, this is what I do, minus the posh outfit - but believe me, working FT, getting no maintenance from DDs dad and minimal from DS's dad, also them not being there every week, there comes a point where I think - after over a decade of this - surely this is not ALL my responsibility!
Of course, this not the point of the OP, where they seem to be more than accepting their share of responsibility.

Scootering · 21/03/2016 22:02

Haha at Boden/Joules

Hopefully she'll chose some dire cheap trash and you can dress her in some of it each time you send her back so that you can 'launder' the Joules combo that she arrived in....

Wdigin2this · 21/03/2016 23:13

I see your point Romi!

PaleBlueDottie · 22/03/2016 12:29

My dsc have two homes. And in each home have everything they need. Handover is generally done in pyjamas, so what they go in they come back in.

Slightly different as the dsc are week at mums and week at dads. All 3 have separate school uniforms, school bags, coats, shoes, clothes and undies, sports kits, footie boots - you name it, there is a duplicate of everything - even iPads/Xbox etc.

No money changes hands between DP & his EW at all, on our weeks we pay all school fees, lunch monies etc - whatever they may need in that week, and the next week it is the responsibility of the other parent. EW does seem more materialistic, and has made comments about our financial setup in the past, but we simply cannot afford to buy them the newest pair of trainers every other month. (especially when they are only worn for 2 weeks of the month)

At first it did annoy me slightly that EW was claiming all CB & CT and DP wasn't receiving any contribution, but over the years we have managed to budget better and ensure the kids get what they need.

The main thing is that the kids know where they are and where their belongings are. Nothing worse than having to pack a bag for them each week and then unpack/wash it all when it gets back.

Wdigin2this · 22/03/2016 19:32

Slightly off thread, but having read Paleblue's post, I wonder is the system of alternate weeks for the DC, common? It's just that I would have thought it a bit more disruptive for them than EW or EOW....not that I've experienced either!

Bananasinpyjamas1 · 22/03/2016 21:37

I'd agree with wdigin, sorry to go off thread. I'm probably a bit stuck in my view, but worry about the lack of a base in 50/50. But I know lots of people seem to like it.

PaleBlueDottie · 23/03/2016 10:15

I don't see how having equal time on a weekly basis with each parent can be disruptive?

The base is with each parent surely? If it was deemed that a full time base was neccessary then which parent gets the short straw and is only limited to weekend? Especially when both parents have played an active role until now?Why deprive the child of experiencing all of their lives with each parent?

When the boys grow up they will remember that both mum & dad were around to do homework/school runs/after school clubs/early nights/later nights - just an all round life?

For example, my daughter (5) stays at her dads one night every weekend - so in her mind dad is funtime - he takes no repsonsibility for schools/doctors/homework/getting her to bed at a decent hour - for dd, going to her dads is just fun! Which of course is nice and she should be enjoying herself, but I know that she gets upset when she doesn't see dad in the week due to his work, in fact this morning she was tearful because he wasn't able to attend parents evening.

50/50 ensures that both children and parents get the best of both. This works for us and the children are no worse off.

It is DP however who feels worse off because he has to go a whole week without seeing his children, but he also understands that mum feels the same way. This way just seems fairer to everyone IMO

PaleBlueDottie · 23/03/2016 10:21

EOW & EW results in just a place the dc visit. Not a home. (IMO)

That is why OP, it is important (regardless of when contact/access is) to ensure that the dsc have their own things around them, so I would say Yes - a separate wardrobe and things of their own are essential.

Having said that, with each new thing bought - we always give the option, do you want to keep this at dads or take to mums. The last thing the dsc need is to see grabbiness between the parents - if they own something then it's up to them where they decide to place it.

MyKingdomForBrie · 23/03/2016 10:29

We did this for my DSDs (with my ex) because it was so much less hassle than having to wash and re pack before the end of each weekend/holiday. Mostly from tesco/primark I have to admit but they didn't seem to care. Also meant I didn't have to worry about messing anything up when we got muddy etc!

RomiiStartsAnew · 23/03/2016 11:22

To join the derailment (sorry), contact should be decided in the interests of the child, and a lot of the time, the existing care situation comes into it, as well as circumstances.

So, what works for one child and family could be disaster for another.

There are also practical things - DD does not even have a bed at her dad's, let alone clothes etc. Her dad left for OW when she was a baby; he did not see her properly for years. He chose the short straw of not seeing her grow up. I can't even get EOW in place for her, and believe me, I have tried. Now I just accept things as they come as regards her seeing him, she is almost old enough to sort it herself.

DS dad put his work and professional life first and still does, and DS also has additional needs and cannot cope with change. EOW has been a massive achievement to get to.

DSD lives overseas; she visits her dad in the holidays - my xH - and also comes to visit me and DD (her stepsister) too.

Etc. The DC all get on and enjoy seeing each other, they are doing well. So my reaction these days is whatever works in whatever way at a particular time for DC (individually and collectively); otherwise it is too exhausting and stressful. Also, it is not like the DC chose it.

To return to the point, for a while DSD could wear DDs clothes, but they are different sizes now. But I lend stuff if needs be.

Wdigin2this · 23/03/2016 23:07

Fair enough, different horses for different courses!

ClaudoftheRings · 24/03/2016 07:50

Of course not all NRP Dads opt out of the practical things. My DH does school, clubs, homework, parents' evenings, doctors, dentists etc too. Just not every single day of the week.

TheOnlyColditz · 01/04/2016 14:14

He's BU, it doesn't cost much for a couple of pairs of joggers or jeans and a jumper. It's ridiculous for a child to have to pack an overnight bag to stay with her dad. My stepkids have their own stuff here, I'm not messing about with suitcases every fortnight.

truthwithin · 03/04/2016 23:06

Jeez Iggerty wear and tear. I would suggest DP puts money towards the yearly clothes buying, not a monthly stipend.

Or Dp has a budget and takes DD shopping.

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