WWYD - increasing contact?

[DrunkenFlamingo]

First post in step-parenting, just looking for some general thoughts and advice if possible. Its a sensitive one so please be gentle.

Background - I've been in a relationship with my partner for 18 months, been living together for 12 months. He has two children, a daughter aged 10 and a son aged 12. He has very limited contact with his children (not his choice) that is Thursday 3:30pm to Sunday at 10am twice a month. Effectively 6 nights and two full days per month.

I don't have any children.

The kids are fine, quite well behaved and likeable but they have been brought up by their mother as Jehovah Witnesses and there are some things about their behaviour that I find difficult to cope with. They utterly adore their Father and I have strived to look after them well when they are with us, joining in and encouraging family activities, cooking family dinners, going on holiday together etc.

My partner has left the JWs and that was the ultimate cause of his divorce. He wants to have greater access to the children and is currently applying to the court to have 50/50 access to his children, i.e. from Friday to Friday. So two full weeks a month.

In my opinion, the religion is stifling the children. They are not allowed to play with their friends from school, they are not allowed to have Christmas, birthdays, Easter or celebrate mothers day or fathers day or other similar events when at home with their mother. They go to 3 meetings per week (all day Sunday and two after school) and on Saturdays they go out on ministry work - knocking on doors etc. They are not allowed to join scouts or guides or go to any sports clubs or similar. They are made to watch lots of the programmes on jw.org - a lot of which are quite frightening/upsetting in my opinion.

Outside of their contact time they are not allowed to see or speak to their father - the mother forbids it. The youngest daughter recently tried to call her Dad to have a quick chat on the phone and her mother gave her a big telling off for it. The son has expressed he wants to see his Dad more and his mother said he sees him enough. When its time for the children to leave us on a Sunday they are visibly upset about having to go home so soon.

I support my partner in this and I would certainly like to see the children have more of a normal upbringing, I'm just not sure if I can cope with a 50/50 arrangement. I like the time I have with my partner just as adults and I sometimes find the time around the children stressful.

WWYD?

Firstly, the 50/50 residency idea. A) I doubt whether the mother will allow this because she knows you and the children's father will not be expecting them to live by JW's rules....and so her control will be undermined. B) do you really understand what it will be like to have children in the home for whole weeks/fortnights at a stretch? You'll probably have to do more of the child care, cooking, cleaning after them etc, and your house will be upside down due to general kiddie mess, for longer stretches of time!
Secondly, the religious aspect...how will you manage that? Will you observe and include them in all the usual stuff, Christmas, Easter, birthdays and activities? If so, how will they square this with what they go back to at their mum's? It could all get unpleasantly messy, ie: will they have to go to prayer meetings perhaps on days where you have them and want to take them to the cinema, out for meals, to meet extended family....and all the other myriad stuff in day to day family life?
I really feel for you because, if you go for the 50/50 and get it, your life will completely change, in some ways you really won't appreciate, plus your bound to hit difficulties and problems over the religious aspect.
I'd think very hard about what you personally will get out of this change, and whether it's what you want out of life for the next 15 years or so!

This is a really sore subject for me. Me ex took me to court to try and get 50:50 and lost. This was partly due to the court not wanting to change the status quo and partly due to ex having inadequate accommodation and no financial means of supporting the children.

The stress of having this court case hanging over us was incredibly stressful alongside being a single parent at the time. The thought of my children's lives being completely thrown into disarray was unbearable. The notion of the father having equal right to his children is a very simplistic way of looking at it.

My working relationship with my ex has been destroyed as a result of the court case. We have separate parents evenings and there is no contact away from the contact schedule.

The fact is that in your case the children have a certain way of life that your dp doesn't like. He is entitled to that opinion and he is entitled to treat the children differently when he has them but doing what he is doing is just going to cause a lot of conflict with the ex and a lot of emotional conflict and resentment in the children. From what I know about JW it is quite strict but they also tend to be quite strong communities and I imagine the mother will have a lot of support with the children from the community which is beneficial to the children. I think your dp may have to accept their way of life - just treat them different on their weekends.

I'm assuming they have already tried mediation. The phone call situation is really unfair - they have a right to phone their father. He should avoid allowing the children to play the parents off each other though.

all the usual sm problems + jw painting you as a witch. read the ops in this thread and multiply by 100. RUN AWAY.

I would certainly like to see the children have more of a normal upbringing
What I think is that this has nothing at all to do with you? You are not a follower of their religion, that is fine, but it is not for you to judge it. The reality is that these children were conceived with the understanding that this is the religion they would be raised into. The fact that their dad has changed his views is not the mother's fault and he should respect that ultimately, his kids will be raised in that religion.

Religion is a very sensitive matter so two parents with disagreeing views is never going to be easy, however, ultimately, your OH has to respect the fact that as it stands, it is their religion and so do you. Starting to mess their heads about by trying to confuse them that this religion is wrong will do much more damage than whatever you think adhering to it is doing to them. They will have a choice to step out of it like your OH did, but that should be with their free mind rather than them being coerced in doing so.

JW is a cult. A made up, screwed up cult.

I've sat with a few 'escapees' of it whilst they wept and recounted their fucked up childhood.

So it's not just a religion as some PP have said. It's a damaging machine.