this is ao silly but it annoys me...

[Neverenuff]

This is so silly and I know I need to grow up but I can t help that it annoys me. I was sitting next to my do for ages tonight then I got up for like 20 seconds to let the dog out and and dps son jumps to my seat cuddles in to his dad with no intention of moving. I'm annoyed because dp thinks this was cute. I find it rude. I feel dp should have said you'll need to move once 'never' comes back.

I know it's silly. Its what kids do. There was just no need and it just makes me feel a bit pushed out I suppose. Oh well shower and early night for me. I can't be bothered trying to explain to dp for the hundredth time that I feel his son is rude towards me and makes me feel unwelcome.

[Neverenuff]

I'm glad some of you see my point. I don't think it's entirely unreasonable to expect my seatstill to be there when I nip away for less than a minute. If I was awaydoing something else then fair play.

Anyway it happened last night. It has annoyed me. But given that it was petty and I know it was, I've managed to get over it. It's not a big deal. And I just wanted to get it off my chest that it annoyed me.

[swingofthings]

OP, what are you making a big deal of it when you could make it a very lightweight matter? Just next time you get ready to watch a film, just ask where everyone wants to seat and then say that you'd be grateful if you could keep your seat until the end of the film. Add a big smile on your face and you turn a tense moment into a relaxed family-like one.

[shutupandshop]

You knew he had dcs. Hth.

[cappy123]

Yeah I think you're getting a rough ride, never. Different people have their own view on whether you're right to be annoyed depending on how they feel / would feel. And empathy can be touch and go on here, thick skin often required.

If I hadn't done quite a bit of research on step families, before marrying my 'childed' (?) hubby, I might have reacted similarly to you. And DSD used to forego jumping in my seat and simply force herself between us. And we all live together, so wasn't a weekend thing. She was 11 when we met and 16 now.

We've moved on from this issue and usually all get on quite well, but there are still struggles - we're going through a tough time right now. Tbh, DSD is often easier to get on with than DH whose major guilt / worry / withdrawal at the mo is impacting us all.

I also get the sacrifice element too when you're physically, emotionally, financially etc giving of yourself to your partner and child, often doing far more than the other parent. I'm not going to deny that there can be jealousy in step families. We're human. My DH has admitted that he feels left out of our (DSD and my) close chats. And I often wonder how DSD's mum feels (I go to the school plays, set up the work experience, go on the holidays etc...). I sometimes find it hard if DH is graceful to DSD but critical of me.

But...despite emphasizing with you on this one, I do think you might need to grieve and accept the sofa saga. As with loads of step issues, learn not to take it personally - you'll probably be better off for it. The kids didn't ask you to be in their dad's life, and as a stepchild myself, I can relate to that.

My friend, whenever she her hubby and his kids go out to a restaurant or anywhere requiring choosing seats, she pops to the loo first so when she comes back they've decided where to sit and she can settle herself wherever. I love that and have borrowed it. Actually this week I arrived first at a restaurant we booked and sat in the 'single' position (3 places set on a table for 4). But when DH and DSD arrived he moved the cutlery and sat next to me. So as I say we're beyond this now. If anything we're struggling to get DSD out of her bedroom to join us as a family.

Hope that helps in some way.x

[Grapeeatingweirdo]

I think OP is getting a pasting here when she doesn't deserve one. Not once does she express resentment towards the boy, but merely thinks that she should be awarded a little bit of respect. It's her home, her dear FFS.

Surely it's obvious that something like this, innocuous as it is, can chip away over time.

You're (the posters against the OP) going on about the SM needing to be the one that does all of the staying away, adapting and whatever but the DP also needs to make sure that the kids know OP should be respected.

Not ignored, not losing her seat when she gets up and not expected to put up with rudeness in her own home because she dared to go out with a guy with kids. Honestly, some of these posts make my blood boil.

Where on earth is the DP in all of this? Why isn't he hoofing DSS out of the OP's seat (nicely)? Little things like this show the kid that they can treat someone disrespectfully. In my experience, this will only grow if unchecked.

It's not just a seat, it's basic respect and manners and it sounds like the DSS could stand to learn some. From his father, I hasten to add. It's understandable that he wants to be with his dad and the OP has said that she does try and facilitate this as much as possible: she sounds like a nice person.

Common sense really does go out of the window when it comes to step kids.

[Bananasinpyjamas1]

Cappy that is very wise!

[HomeMeasurements]

I don't think it's fair the hard time you're getting on here. Understand the need to vent.

But SC issues aside I have to say I find needing to have a certain seat or finding it a problem to sit in another seat pretty odd tbh.

[DustyBustle]

Step mum of over 15 years, seriously I would have picked up my drink and sat elsewhere without appearing to bat an eyelid.

I had everything and everyone against me (including some of the auto-opinions against SMs on here and in RL) but the 'don't give them ANYTHING to hate you for' attitude worked for me. In the end anyway.

[NickiFury]

You sound lovely cappy

[ProfGrammaticus]

I'm not projecting. I have no axe to grind here. The kids come first.

[cappy123]

Of course I meant 'empathizing' not 'emphasizing' (predictive texting)!

[daftgeranium]

The kid is making it into a competition. I had this with SD and she became ridiculous over it. She would stake out space next to her father on the sofa like her life depended on it. It's just insecurity.

The way to deal with it is to make sure that your OH has some time on his own with his son, and there should also be some times when you are all together. This will help everyone to relax.

I don't like your OH's attitude though. He should be taking some responsibility here to show his kids that they don't always rule the roost and sometimes it's OK if you two sit together as well, it's not a competition.

Try not to let it turn into a big thing, you will feel pushed out if it gets out of proportion.

[Neverenuff]

I've not even mentioned it to dp. If he doesn't see anything wrong then he will think I'm having g a go at dss. I can't really win either way. But it's done now and it's been an ok weekend. I'm just going to try and enjoy what's left of it. Xx

[Wdigin2this]

I don't think you should be so critised either. I have this with teen DSGC, who grabs my DH's arm when we're out walking, and throws that superior look at me, it is irritating, but I find it easier to just laugh it off........with gritted teeth!

[Wdigin2this]

*critisised

[Bananasinpyjamas1]

I too understand the irritation, although I think its OK for step kids to be given leeway, esp at the start of a relationship, and if they are younger. I usually left room for my DSDs to sit with their Dad if they wanted. But there often is competition and kids have to start giving a little too. If I were you I'd let it go 80% of the time but start to remind kids you are not invisible the rest of the time.

I had one DSD who never left me and DP alone, she lived with us full time. The minute I walked out the door she'd act like DPs wife, take charge of her half sibling etc. It died down and then when she was 19 we all went away and she was totally ignoring me, but stuck to DP like glue! The other DSCs were fine, but that one will always be in competition with me!

[HormonalHeap]

Op I had this with my dss when he was about 11, but he chose to escalated it into a power struggle. I was by the pool on holiday and dh was on his way to join me. Ss gets a bed the other end of pool, and texts dh to join him, thereby asking him to choose. My then dp scuttled to ds. What should have happened in my opinion, was for dp to tell his son Hormonal had saved them both beds, he'll meet him there. My anger was directed at dp for being so pathetic and enabling his rude behaviour instead of being firm.

[NickiFury]

I think if you allow yourself to be drawn in to competition with 11 year olds then you only really have yourself to blame. I think if you weren't already bubbling with anger and resentment and wishing you were on a cozy couples holiday alone then this kind of thing wouldn't bother you. And yes I have experienced similar and no I wouldn't enter into a relationship with a man with children again. Mainly because my kids will always come first and I don't want to have to accommodate other children. I've been called selfish for that but I don't agree. I know my limits and prefer not to be in relationships where i feel resentment towards children.

[Lovesmemore]

NickiFury I find you priceless. You have slated the OP and then gone on to say you don't want to accommodate other children! The OP obviously cares about her DSS which it sounds like more than you did.

OP I have 'my seat' in our house. I don't mind if my DH and DSC want to cuddle up but they can do that on the other sofa. If I got up to let the dog out and anyone sat there I'd tell them to hop it. DH has 'his seat' too though so it would seem we're equally pathetic according to some posters on this thread.

[HormonalHeap]

As I said Nicki, my resentment was directed at my dp, not his son. I wasn't in fact bubbling with any anger prior to that or wishing I was on a couples only holiday as my own children were with us too. He's now my dh but sadly his lack of ability then to show his kids clear boundaries all that time ago made things worse for him and them; we live very happily with my kids, but sadly for dh, they live with their mother.

[NickiFury]

I haven't slated anyone. You just don't like direct opinions. But you're not alone in that on this board. And yes I won't have relationships with people with children because I know myself and that I need to put my own children first. It's a responsible choice to make. As for my previous relationship, he couldn't hack the challenging behaviour that came with my children having autism and so we ended things. I liked his child and was sad to not get to see him again. So your assumptions are very misplaced.

[Bananasinpyjamas1]

Hormonal - same here, the kids live at their mums now - not setting boundaries or discipline for fear of alienating his kids didn't work. I wish they'd have been more compassionate to their Dad. Sad.

[TheDowagerCuntess]

NickiFury I find you priceless. You have slated the OP and then gone on to say you don't want to accommodate other children! The OP obviously cares about her DSS which it sounds like more than you did.

Sorry, I disagree with this.

As I said upthread, I don't think I could ever be in a relationship with a man who had children, as I seriously doubt I have the wherewithal to put up with the completely normal and understandable behaviour often displayed by children who have no choice but to accept step-parents into their young lives. And who do not have the emotional tools to deal with it.

I would prefer to opt out.

There are plenty of (near-saintly) people who do a remarkable job of being step-parents, and who do have the patience and understanding to slowly build a relationship with their step-children, and who know there will be countless set-backs.

You either are that person, or you're not.

And if you're getting narked because a child nipped in and took your seat after you'd been ensconced there next to their Dad 'for a long time', then maybe you need to think about whether you're cut out for it.

There's nothing wrong with not being - well, there is, if you just carry on resenting the situation, and souring the relationship over time.

Again, I know this was an off-piste rant, but venting and then carrying on, having swept it under the carpet, probably only means it's going to come up again and again. Cue more venting, deep breaths, carpet-sweeping, and repeat.

[cappy123]

TheDowager - oh if only things were that black and white. As long as you're in a relationship at close quarters with anybody, there's gonna be stuff that you have to deal with whether you're cut out for it or not!

[Wdigin2this]

I made damn sure I never considered a man who had young DC, for the same reasons as Dowager....I knew I couldn't cope with children who weren't mine, living with me! But even so, you still don't know how things wil turn out! None of our children have lived with us, but one of his has stil managed to drive me crazy, by constantly expecting her DF to more or less pay her way in life!
As Cappy says there's always stuff you have to deal with! I knew she was a 'proper princess' in the early days, but I always assumed she'd grow out of it.....I should have known better!